Just tell the cops you were aiming at her new haircut. They’ll understand.

It’s not that I disagree with the sentiment — Do people still club seals these days? Really? Why? — it’s just that, you know, I wouldn’t put it on a sweatshirt. And I don’t like club sandwiches. But I don’t like clubbed seals, either. In fact, I’m only indifferent on the matter of unclubbed seals. So whatever.

But far be it from me to disagree with Rumer Willis. She kinda got fucked when the Golden Globes got canceled — she was Miss Golden Globes this year, which is reason enough to cancel the damn thing, if you ask me — so I’m gonna go easy on her about this.

With actor Aaron Yoo in Brentwood.

At a screening party in LA.

Rumer Willis worms her way into a picture with Hayden Panettiere at the GQ “Men of the Year” party.

How are these two even from the same planet?

Rumer Willis was selected as Miss Golden Globe 2008.

Um … have you actually seen her?

She just keeps getting more heinous.

Maybe they like her because her head looks like a globe. It’s free from that whole “oval” look that normal people have. That must be it.

Rumer Willis and Zoe Kravitz enjoy themselves by standing on some manner of couch at the DKNY Delicious Night Fragrance launch party in NYC. Something tells me they don’t need the help of furniture to be higher than everyone else.

I have great hopes for Zoe Kravitz around these parts. I want to see more of her. She’s everything that was fabulous about her mother at this age.

“Before I started working,” she says. “I would have said, ‘You know, it’s not really fair, because I didn’t choose this.’ But when you decide to be a part of this profession and put yourself out there, then you kind of have to accept what it is.”

She continues to tell the media that fame “is a 24-hour job. It doesn’t matter if you are going out to a restaurant – you have to be aware of what you are doing and how you look and how you are presenting yourself, because most of the time people never get to know you.”

Rumer. Darling.

I hate to break it to you, but I can’t name a single thing you’ve been in. IMDB barely can. You do not have a profession. Your profession is having us talk about you because you’re Bruce Willis’ daughter and Tallulah’s not really old enough yet and we get bored of the same five people around here all the time. We write about you in much the same way we write about Paris Hilton’s shoes; you’re an accessory. That’s all. We’ll tire of you soon enough, don’t worry.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.