Rosie O’Donnell will be returning to television, but kept far, far away from Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

She’s going to do a live variety show on NBC.

And not only will the show be live, but Rosie will be giving out prizes to the show’s at-home audience … live. Producers are hoping this combination will be a successful way to battle the DVRs of the world, and that people will be more inclined to tune in when it actually airs. Frankly, I sincerely doubt this approach will make so much as a dent. But maybe I’m overestimating my fellow Americans. I usually do.

They’re also hoping it’ll help them battle cable television, which is taking up an increasingly large chunk of television viewership.

“This will reinvent the idea of what a variety show is for 2008,” NBC vice president alternative Craig Plestis said. “There’s very few performers willing to put themselves out there live. It makes it more TiVo-proof, and it’s something none of the cable networks can do.”

Fox is planning to launch their own variety show, starring Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, set to air in winter or spring. NBC’s hoping for a first-mover advantage; they’ll be starting Rosie’s run in late November.

Both shows sound like total snoozefests to me, but, then again, I’m totally not their target demo.

It’s rare that we see Rosie O’Donnell wearing makeup for an off-camera appearance, but she got herself all done up for Comedy Central’s autism fundraiser on Sunday night in NYC.

She’s still not a hottie or anything, but it’s a huge improvement.

Okay: What is wrong with Rosie O’Donnell’s face?

Is this some sort of disease?

Or did she just break out with adult-onset freckles?

You have to truly love someone to stay with them when their face looks like that. Although I guess we could have said that about Rosie even before the weird freckle thing.

And check out her hands! Was she in a bar fight?

Anyway, here’s Rosie and wife Kelli at the Sherie Renee Scott benefit concert in NYC.

What. The fuck. Is on. Her forehead?

She looks like a damn Cardassian.

Yeah, that’s right. I just made a Star Trek call. What’re you gonna do about it?

Despite their much-publicized feud last year, it appears The Donald is willing to go to any lengths to ensure the upcoming celebrity season of The Apprentice doesn’t bomb, including offering arch-nemesis Rosie O’Donnell a spot on the show.

Trump reportedly offered Rosie a whopping $2 million for 12 days of work on the show. The offer came through producer Mark Burnett’s office.

“I wouldn’t do it for $200 million,” Rosie responded.

Give it up, Trump. No one cares about The Apprentice anymore, and throwing a bunch of incompetent D-list celebrities into the mix isn’t going to help. If we want to see how celebrities approach a marketing and sales task, we can check out the latest videos on TMZ.com. No need to tune into NBC to watch them do the exact same thing, except with nauseating levels of product placement and your little gems of “wisdom” tossed in.

There are people in life that don’t have the wherewithal to just shut the fuck up. You know these people. They were the ones doing kegstands while everyone else was packing up the party. Every once in a great while one of these abrasive personalities slips through the cracks and makes it big, where they then have a forum to chime in with the power of the media behind them.

Well, here is enough to make me beg that The Price is Right doesn’t go Rosie.

At the Cyndi Lauper True Colors tour:

“I got to tell you, I’ve been hanging around with those heteros for a full year and it’s not fun,” she said. “Turn around one minute and they’ll stab you in the back with a high heel. They will.”

What the hell? If I said “I’ve been hanging around with these homos for a year and it’s sucked,” how would that go for me? It would go poorly, because it is very very stupid. Now, they may in fact be back stabbers (BwaBwa in particular would eat your children to get an interview) but categorizing them as “heteros” has nothing to do with anything. It’s brushing all “heteros” with the same broad stroke which is the one thing everyone who’s ever been discriminated against hates. Also, I’ve heard the Hasselbeck chick goes both ways.

Bob Barker, who recently filmed his last episode of the show, is supporting Rosie as an replacement.

“I believe they’re going to have a meeting with Rosie,” said Barker on Friday night. “She knows the show. There’s no doubt in my mind she could do the show. Now, whether they want a lady host, I don’t know. I’ve never heard that discussed. As far as I know, they’ve only auditioned men. She told me she loved ‘The Price Is Right’ and wanted to host it one day.”

I really don’t see how this could work. Instead of “Remember, get your pets spayed and neutered” we’d have “Remember, pull U.S. troops out of Iraq,” and I don’t think that would go over well with the large conservative portion of the show’s fanbase. I would, however, love to see Bob Barker do The View.