I refuse to believe this is real. I simply refuse.

But now even the Hilton parents are playing along.

Yes, we’re back to Robin Leach’s blog, which you really must check out. It’s a true paragon of Internet design work. And by that I mean he has not done a thing to change the default WordPress theme. Sexy! Seriously, like, if my grandfather decided to create a blog, it would have more bells and whistles than Robin Leach’s. In fact, my grandfather is probably younger than Robin Leach. Okay, look: if my five-year-old cousin decided to create a blog, she’d do a better job at the design than Robin Leach.

But I digress.

“He’s the perfect example of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’,” says Papa Rick Hilton. “He’s polite, well-mannered—even calls me sir! We love him like family already. Benji doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and is a healthy vegan!”

Says Kathy: “He’s changed her life—and I really think she’s genuinely in love for the first time. He’s so good to her and for her. We couldn’t be happier for them. This has honestly become the real thing … Since they’ve been together Paris has changed so much. She’s calmed, stopped running and now has a very real purpose—and it’s beautiful to see two wonderful people so perfect together. It’s a great love match and I have a funny feeling it’s going to go all the way and we’ve already given it our approval!”

Jesus Christ, this can’t be for real. If Paris Fucking Hilton can find true love and I’m still single, I’m just going to adopt eight more cats and give the fuck up on romance. The universe hates me.