It’s a fine art, a precise and powerful craft, and one carefully studied by the likes of Nick Carter and now, apparently, Randy Spelling, who’s teaming up with David Weintraub and Sean Stewart (Kimberly’s brother and Rod’s son) to subject us all to another we-are-important-because-our-daddies-were series, this time titled “Sons of Hollywood” and skillfully marketed by the good folks at A&E. Spelling claims he’s the penis that started it all: Paris Hilton’s first lay.

“We were together for like two months. We went to Palm Springs once for the weekend, and we couldn’t check into the hotel under her name because her grandma was looking for her. She was like 15; I was 17. And what do you know, I hear this knock-knock-knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma’s there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course. We broke up like a week later.”

That’s actually a genuinely funny story.

Says his buddy Weintraub: “Randy was Paris’ number one and her number 50 and number 150.”

Honestly, don’t these people have anything better to do with their lives than air their dirty laundry on national television? This is just a goddamn upper-crust Jerry Springer. Randy Spelling, I bet it has been killing you all these years to watch your sister get so much fame and attention and meanwhile you know that you fucked Paris Hilton first and you have no effective means of distributing this information to the masses. Thank God for A&E.

Hidden at the bottom of this article is perhaps the best part, as the “Sons of Hollywood” talk about the rest of the cast of characters in the thirty-mile zone: “Bai Ling was really crazy,” said Randy. “She earnestly told us she is from the moon. She said she comes down from the moon on weekends to change outfits. I think she believes it.”

Meanwhile, Randy Spelling looks freakishly like a member of the Sutherland family. Um, I wonder if his mother has something to tell his late father.