I only hate on you because you’ve achieved the life I dream of. I think you know that. At least you can have a sense of humor about it — unlike some celebrities. (Cough — Verne Troyer — cough. I know it’s you sending the hate mail. Your email address changes, but your IP doesn’t, buddy.)

Oh, and on the Verne Troyer front, his ex Ranae Shrider is looking for an assistant. Bedroom videography experience optional.

You may not know her by name, but you know who she is — the other half (two-thirds?) of the Mini-Me sex tape. Ranae Shrider and I have become friends over the Internets, and this weekend in LA I actually had a chance to meet her. What I found was a person completely different from the crazy hanger-on that’s been portrayed in the media. She’s funny, charming, smart, independent, open-hearted and all too willing to laugh at herself. I told my girlfriends later, “You guys, she’s totally someone we’d hang out with.” And it’s true! She’s a very cool girl who I’m happy to call a friend.

After a yummy lunch, Ranae and I sat down to do some vlogging. I asked her the questions I’ve always wanted to ask her: What’s it like having sex with Mini-Me? How big is he down there? What positions work best? How is it, ya know, enjoyable? Ranae totally dished, and all the goods are in the clip above.

However, we talked about WAY more than Verne — Ranae’s been working as an actress in LA since before she even met him, and she also dished about her current projects, her relationship with Hef’s new girlfriends, Ron Jeremy’s take on her relationship with Verne, haters on the Internet, and why I need to get laid. You can watch the full-length interview in the clips below.

My beautiful and talented friend, Ranae Shrider (aka the girl from the Mini-Me sex tape) (aka the girl who sent me my favorite picture in the whole world), is rumored to be getting her own reality TV show.

I don’t know what the hell it could possibly be about, but I looooove this.

Seriously, people, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by a midget. You can quote me on that. Look, you spend a year fucking a midget and he still won’t take you to his damn film premieres? Don’t get mad: Leak a sex tape, get a bunch of great plastic surgery, and get your own TV show. That’s my kind of girl! Ranae says on her Twitter that she “is going to be super famous and the thought of that makes some people sick, oh well, get over it. off to film my show :) be safe loves! xoxo”.

I also think this is an appropriate time to share with you some excerpts from the email I got from Verne Troyer last week:

I think It’s F#$*ing hilarious what she is willing and trying to do. She is doing anything possible to get anyone’s attention. Which is kinda sad. Just think if that never happened what would she be doing? Her claim to fame is supposedly doing a sex tape with someone famous.

She always said she wants to be an actress for the art of it. Look at her. She is doing anything to get attention. Begging anyone who will listen to her to show her nude photo’s.

She will always be know for the chic who did a sex tape with mini me.

I’m sure her mother is so PROUD

I just LOVE that there is still so much drama between them. Neither of them is even close to being over this shit. It’s just too funny. It makes me feel a lot better about any lingering relationship drama in my life.

Apparently Verne has been emailing her mother and her manager and everyone else he can get in contact with to talk shit about her. Ranae says she “is shameless & amused that im STILL the topic of conversation 4 a little man who is supposidly [sic] “totally over me” right little dude, right ;)”

Ohhh geez. Ranae, give us deets about your new show!!! And I WANNA BE ON IT!!! We have so much fun talking shit over the Internet, let’s do it for the cameras!!!

My Fave. Z-lister. Evah, Ranae Shrider, attended the Mardi Gras party at the Playboy mansion, and posted a bunch of pics of Hef with his new girlfriends on her Facebook page. Man, the twins sure do look bored and stoned. And the third girl just looks like she’s been rode hard and put away wet.

I also included some pics of Ranae as a thank you. She’s always had a rockin’ bod, but her new face looks damn good! Thank GOD someone in LA found a decent plastic surgeon.

Um, so, I’m basically unreachable by MySpace these days. I never check those accounts. (My apologies to those of you who have friend requests pending.) So it’s a relief to see that my old MySpace pal — and Verne Troyer’s former bedroom pal — Ranae Shrider has finally joined Facebook and added me as a friend.

Homegirl is NOT READY to settle for fifteen minutes of fame. She is going to STAY IN OUR FACES, beyotch.

Ranae posted a shitload of new photos and re-started her PR machine today by leaving messages on my wall and Wendie’s and probably every other gossip blogger’s on the planet. I have to admit, though, she looks awesome. I’m not sure if she had work done or if she just got a new hair and makeup person, but I do think she looks really good.

I’m sorry, I just can’t be that mean to her. This is the girl who emailed me this photo once upon a time, and I will forever be grateful. There’s just nothing in my life I love more than this photo:

Oh, no, wait, there’s now one I like better:

Whatever. There’s a soft spot in my heart for any girl who’s willing to sell out pictures of her pint-sized ex-lover in a lobster bib to extend her time in the spotlight. That is my kind of woman.

Ya look damn good, sweetie.

In my MySpace friend requests today.

Ranae Shrider, sex tape partner of one Verne Troyer, admiring my work.

Thanks, Ranae. I’m a fan of your work, too. If you were in any way involved in getting that lobster bib on Verne, I think we’re gonna be great friends. Call me, babe.

(Ranae’s MySpace page is here.)

Oh, don’t tease me like this!

Seriously this Mini Me sex tape back-and-forth is like a guy putting it in, taking it out, and being like “You know, I’m just going to stop for now.” IT’S NOT FAIR. I’d rather just fuck Verne Troyer; at least then I wouldn’t know it was in to begin with.

Anyway, in order to prevent his sex tape from being released, Troyer first has to copyright the tape. In order to copyright the tape, he must find a copy. And he’s having some trouble doing that.

[Ranae] Shrider, unsurprisingly, has provided no assistance to her diminutive former better half, with her manager telling the Los Angeles Times she hasn’t seen the tape since selling it to an anonymous man who approached her with a wad of cash outside their once-shared house.

“He just said, ‘Here’s some money,’ ” Shrider’s manager, Holly Bannon, told the paper. “She just wanted to be rid of it, so she said okay.”

Bannon said the transaction, which earned Shrider $5,000, was a simple “cash deal” and that no paperwork was involved.

Ahhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I LOVE this girl.

Troyer’s lawyer got all pissed, responding “Come on! Some guy just pulled up to the curb and gave her five grand? Was it in a paper bag?” That’s a real quote, not something I made up to be funny.

I WANNA SEE THIS TAPE.

RIGHT NOW.

I mean, it kind of makes sense. What else is he going to do? Beat them up?

This time, Verne’s suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape partner, Ranae Shrider, for “intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery.” Verne’s lawyer claims his former housemate “once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor.” His lawyer, in a statement to TMZ, adds that “when you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.”

And you know what he’s suing her for?

$20 million!!!

You know this chick doesn’t have that kind of money. He’s trying to bankrupt her.

And what is his lawyer doing giving exclusive statements and information to TMZ? They were one of the parties named in Troyer’s previous lawsuit (also for $20M). Wanna know what I think? I think the settlement for the previous lawsuit — which resulted in TMZ taking down the footage they had of the sex tape — involved an agreement that Troyer would give TMZ a first look at inside info on any further developments. I mean, they ran this story before the lawsuit was even filed in court. It’s a strange, strange world, kids.

Oh and wanna know what I loooooooooove?

This photo.