Oh. My. God.  Guyyyyyyyzzzzz, like, Rachel Zoe literally fired her assistant Taylor last Friday.  Oh, I die!  Miserable Taylor “Everything in the World Hurts Including This Horrible Job, Kindness and Sun on my Skin” Jacobsen — we’ve seen plenty of her carping on The Rachel Zoe Project — sent an e-mail to her contacts that made it sound like she quit as opposed to being like, canned:  ”After four amazing years at Rachel Zoe Corporation, I’m saddened and exhilarated at the same time to announce my departure. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to take the challenging leap to go off and style on my own.”  Oh, what a disaster!

I’m so upset over this news.  No, I’m not kidding, guys.  Like, you don’t even know.  This is bananas!  My earlobes are pulsing and I like, blackout every time I blink and I’m so like … sick about this that I threw up the lima bean I ate for breakfast.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to die … lit. er. ally.

Check out Rachel Zoe at a benefit in LA last night.

Ewwwwww!!!!

I really enjoy her show, and I think she’s so sweet and hilarious, but THIS is just DISGUSTING. You NEED to put on some weight, sweetheart. You look about 80 years old.

Her breasts look like they’ve given up on life.

Are these bangs going to be some new trend?  Because I hate them.  Like, I didn’t care when Jessica Alba got them because she’s mean and deserves ugly hair.  But Selena Gomez is just a cute and innocent kid despite that thing on her head.  Where were her parents when this haircut was happening?  Aren’t there laws to protect minors from this kind of thing? 

Speaking of devastating, I also came across some pictures of Rachel Zoe who was at the 2008 CNN Heroes with Selena event last night.  And I wikied her.  She’s 37 years old?  I will give a free Dr. Pepper to the first person who can prove that she is actually at least eight years older.  Because if I have to live with the fact that she’s only 11 months older than I am, I’m not sure I can go on.  For real.

Also there:  Lucy Liu looking pregnant, Cameron Diaz looking orange, and Ricki Lake looking like she could have made so much more effort.  Dude, you lost like, a hundred pounds.  Wear something flattering.

When I page through all the pictures that were taken at an event, there are lots of snapshots of each celebrity in different poses or scenarios.  Drinking wine, posing on the red carpet, accepting an award.  Meg Ryan’s face, in every single picture, was exactly the same.  No other facial nuance was recorded at any time.  

My trainer the other day was all like, “Hey, are you watching that new Rachel Zoe show? I LOVE her! She cracks me up,” and I was like, “Yes, she’s amusing, but also: everything she touches turns to starving.”

I have to admit, though, I kind of love Rachel as a stylist. You know how I’ve been raving about how freaking amazing Anne Hathaway’s looked on red carpets lately? You know who her new stylist is? Yeah, Rachel Zoe.

So I’ve kind of been obsessively following everything she’s worn to New York and Milan Fashion Weeks, and it just occurred to me that you guys might want to see it, too.

Here’s a bunch of photos of the various outfits Rachel’s sported this past month at fashion week events.

Here’s Lindsay leaving a hair salon in LA today.

You know who she looks like in this picture?

Her former stylist, Rachel Zoe.

And you know what Rachel Zoe looks like?

A 75-year-old raisin.

This is not good, Linds. Not good at all.

Stylist/anorexia posterchild Rachel Zoe wears the Brooklyn Zoo as she leaves the Waverly Inn in NYC.

Image via Splash

I love it when celebrities totally turn the tables and use the media for their own advantage. MySpace has allowed them to issue weird publicity statements without the need of publicists sometimes with positive (see below) and negative (Travis Barker’s weird ranting) results.

Here is one of the most amazing MySpace posts by a celebrity yet! Nicole Richie, welcome to health. Rachel Zoe, go fade away into obscurity and eat a sandwich.

“X-RAY
BLIND ITEM:
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…”

It is down off her blog now because someone probably warned her getting sued by meth face Zoe. Also, poor girl has some spelling issues. Still, in the world of celebrity MySpace posts this is in my top 10.

[source]

When Prison Break first aired, I gave it three hours of my life that I will never get back, then gave up. But Wentworth Miller is still way hot, so check out this interview with him. [Gossip or Truth, more]

If you’re anything like the rest of the country, you’ve been waiting ever so anxiously to hear what a recently divorced Juliette Lewis thinks about former boyfriend Brad Pitt. Thanks goodness she’s finally weighed in. [Agent Bedhead]

The Beyonce/Jay-Z shelf life is nearing its end. Maybe they can time the break-up to coincide with the opening of Dreamgirls. Wouldn’t that be nice? [Rhymes with Snitch]

Stylist Rachel Zoe claims Nicole Richie fired her after she “voiced concerns … about her lifestyle.” [PopSugar]

When asked about Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe takes the high road. No pun intended. [celebrity nation]

And just for the hell of it, really cute pics of Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale and their adorable little critter out shopping. [Dirty Laundry]

In a last-ditch effort to make something good come of Elizabethtown, Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are now officially dating. [A Socialite's Life]

Nicole Richie fires celeb stylist Rachel Zoe, possibly because she’s the only person on the planet who makes Richie look obese in comparison. [Perez Hilton]

Kate Moss’s fiance, Pete Doherty, is arrested for possession of crack cocaine. [Cele|Bitchy]

Carmen Electra is old now, too. And bless the girls at Dirty Laundry, who always link to the full-size photos of celebs, so you can check out every little zit and wrinkle on her aging little face. [Dirty Laundry]