“I want to just go down there and get some of those babies. If you got a hook up, please get me a couple of Haitian kids. It’s time. I’m ready. I got two arms, I can handle at least two. I can take a third in a backpack, and one in the front, we could just wrap it in some swaddling cloth… give me four.”

–Queen Latifah, discussing her plans to adopt Haitian children.

After years of struggling with her body image issues, Queen Latifah has come to a place of acceptance regarding her curves.  As she tells it, a chance encounter with a driver changed her perspective:

I was in Utah for the Sundance Film Festival. I was at the airport and the limo driver told me about his 12-year-old daughter, who wanted to be a singer and had a beautiful voice. However, her classmates were teasing her about her body and telling her she was never going to make it.
She saw me perform on TV and I inspired her to sing again. She saw me and my appearance and my success and the great job I did. This was a 12-year-old kid whose dream had been halted by negative comments, but she saw me deliver a knock-out performance and it made her believe she could become successful too.

Well, Queen, it’s awesome that you’ve found a way to accept yourself.  But it prompts me to ask:  Why do you hawk weight-loss products?

Queen Latifah had a birthday bash this past weekend at SIR Studios in Hollywood.  Attendees included Kim Kardashian, Lil’ Kim and Vivica Fox-all of whom brought their twins, or you know, massive chests.  Let’s hope Queen’s friends gave her money as a gift; it sounds like she’s going to need it.

Latifah’s cosmetologist and stylist are both suing her for unpaid salary for work they did for the Cover Girl campaign as well as Queen’s own Curvations intimate apparel line.  The lawsuits total $1M.

And if that’s not enough to properly ding Queen’s wallet, how long will it be until Jenny Craig sues her for breach of contract?  Because I’m still trying to see where she has used their products to help her get to a “healthy weight.”

Oh, and when you see the picture of Patricia Field in the gallery, focus on the fact that she was the stylist for Sex And The City. Just, wow.

Can we issue a warrant for the arrest of Gwyneth Paltrow’s stylist?  Her Grammy ensemble left me dumb and blind for several minutes.

Also behind the scenes at the Grammy Awards, Nicole Kidman’s facial muscles have left the building, Queen Latifah is still working on her healthy weight, Leann Rimes’ husband struck the “Yes, she’s pregnant!” pose,  and Katy Perry’s performance dress completely cancels out all the positive that had been accomplished by her red carpet look.

Whitney appeared at the 2nd Annual BET Honors Show this weekend looking fanfuckingtastic!

And I don’t mean to be insensitive, but wasn’t Queen Latifah announced as the new Jenny Craig spokesmodel, like, over a year ago?  She was all over my television telling me how she was going to eat pre-packaged crap and get to the ever-ambiguous “healthy weight”.  Uh, did she eat all the pre-packaged crap at once?  I only ask because Queen L 2009 looks exactly like Queen L 2008 and Queen L 2007.  Or am I wrong?  I don’t pay too much attention to her body; I spend a lot more time contemplating how much easier her life will be once she comes out of the closet.  And yes, I realize what it says about me that I put anyenergy towards thinking about who Queen Latifah sleeps with. 

Anyway, I’ve got plenty of love for the big girls, but I’m sorry.  Queen hawking weight loss goods is the equivalent of Michelle Duggar doing a Yaz commercial.

Queen Latifah is the newest victim of jewelry theft.  She has been vacationing in Tobago over the holidays with her girlfriend (the article reads “female friend” but isn’t it a forgone conclusion at this point that Queen is gay?) when she discovered $10,000 in rings and bracelets had been taken from her room. 

Now listen, I don’t get to stay in luxury villas.  The Westin is about as exciting as it gets for me.  But even at the Westin, they have a fucking safe.  And if I had $10k in jewelry and was just so relevant that I had to bring it with me, that’s where it would be stored.  I just don’t get it.  Is this not common sense?  

Being burgled turned out to be one of the hottest trends of 2008.

I just had to point this out to anyone who missed it, because I laughed for like an hour over this.

TMZ’s a division of AOL/Time Warner, which has, you know, assets and stuff, so they can’t exactly go around calling people big ole dykes, but they want you to know they know exactly what Queen Latifah’s doing with her free time.

Her heinieness was seen power-walking in faaaaaaaabulous West Hollywood yesterday, with her perky lil’ trainer/galpal.

Her majesty ate up the red carpet yesterday at the preem of “Hairspray” yesterday.

Genius!