Prince Harry will not be going to Iraq.

Chief of the General Staff, General Sir Richard Dannatt, said in a statement: “There have been a number of specific threats, some reported, and some not reported, which relate directly to Prince Harry as an individual. These threats place not only him but also those around him a degree of risk that I now deem unacceptable.”

Wowsers, so crazy dudes over there were going to target Prince Harry? It’s almost like they don’t have any appreciation at all for the monarchy. Hey, crazy guys, didn’t you see The Queen?

However, his military career can still go forward, according to Sir Richard. “I’ve asked his commanding officer to develop his future career but I won’t speculate on that,” he said.

Translation:
Dear Prince Harry,
You may ride a desk for as long as you like, but there is no way we’re going to face the furor from having you hurt on our watch. Sorry bud.
Yours,
The Army

It looks like they might. His regiment is due to begin a six-month tour of duty in Iraq within weeks. If deployed, Harry would be the first royal to serve in a war zone since his uncle, Prince Andrew, flew as a helicopter pilot in the Falklands conflict with Argentina in 1982 (remember that?). Although the final decision about what exactly Harry will be doing won’t be made for a few days, the prince had a huge farewell party in London on Friday night, and gave a moving speech:

I’m prepared to do anything they throw at me … Whether I serve on the front line or carry out a desk job in Basra I just want to get out to Iraq and serve my country. I’ll be honoured to serve as best I can — whatever I do. I have to listen to the orders of my commanding officers. Sadly, it’s out of my hands. I’m proud of the men I’ve trained with over the last few months but I have to respect that they need to be safe as well. It’s a great, great feeling to go to Iraq. I don’t know what to expect. I’m nervous, excited and apprehensive …and I’m really looking forward to it. I just want to get out there and do it.

It is wonderful that he wants to serve his country, but, as Harry himself alludes to in his speech, his presence endangers the other troops. According the News of the World:

Terror leader Abu Mujtaba, commander of a 50-strong unit of Iraqi insurgents, has chillingly piled on the pressure. He said: “One of our aims is to capture Harry. We have people inside the British bases to inform us on when he will arrive.

“We have a special unit that would work to track him down. Not only us, but every person who hates the British and the Americans will try to get him — all the mujahideens, al-Qaeda and the Iranians will try.

“For me he is just a British soldier and he should be killed if he comes to Iraq. But let’s be realistic, we can kill hundreds of British soldiers before forcing them to withdraw — but Harry is a bigger catch and we will force the British to come on their knees and talk to us.”

Now, seriously, who is this terrorist leader giving quotes to News of the World? I’m not saying the terrorists aren’t thinking this, but I just can’t believe there’s a terrorist sitting in an office building somewhere with a secretary like, “Um, Mr. Mujtaba, News of the World is on line two. They’re looking for a pull quote on this Prince Harry thing. Shall I put them through once you’re done with Osama?”

The newly single Wills showed up at the party and, while Harry and girlfriend Chelsy Davy left around 1 a.m., Wills closed the place down, apparently being quite the ladies man.

Both the royal family and the U.K. are concerned for Harry’s safety in Iraq. Sigh. This is just like when they drafted Conrad Birdie.

I always thought I was a Prince William girl, but that’s one hell of a stomach on Mr. Harry. I think I do have to stick with Wills, though; Queen Beet has a nice ring to it.

At what point did People magazine get the monopoly on celebrity coming-out stories? Anyway, meet McGay. [Pop on the Pop]

Prince Harry’s new girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, wonders aloud if woolly mammoths are extinct. Their season of Newlyweds is going to rock so hard. [CelebSlam]

The photo shoot theme for this week’s ANTM was “celebrity couples.” Demonstrating the level of taste and subtelty we have come to associate so inextricably with the weekly, hour-long pitch for Tyra Banks’ surely forthcoming magazine, the girl who came out as a lesbian the day before was asked to be — I’m serious — Ellen and Portia di Rossi. [MollyGood]

Nicole Richie prefers to spend her time in restaurants getting laid in the bathroom, mostly because it’s the farthest she can get from the food. [Cele|Bitchy]

Nicky Hilton kicks off publicity for her fashion-centric Miami hotel, Nicky O, with — what else? — full frontal male nudity. There is a joke here to illustrate that nudity has very little to do with fashion, but I am too distracted by penises to think of it. [The Superficial]

Sofia Coppola is expecting a baby girl in December. With any luck, she won’t cast the kid in Lost in Translation 3. [Celebrity Baby Blog]

Paris Hilton avoids the premiere of her new movie, National Lampoon’s Pledge This, because she doesn’t want to be associated with a film that will likely go straight to video. She really could have made that decision much earlier, like when they cast Simon Rex and Randy Spelling. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]