Why do famous people get all the hot guys?

This is bullshit.

I’d be that happy, too, if I were sucking face with that dude. Then I wouldn’t have to be all bitter and grumpy and writing mean things about other people for a living.

Anyway.

Poppy Montgomery and her boyfriend, Adam Kaufman, welcomed a son on December 23.

“Poppy and Adam are over the moon,” says her rep.

The couple’s son, Jackson Phillip Kaufman, was born in Los Angeles and weighed 7 lbs., 4 oz. It’s the first child for the pair.

Look, not to be all old-school and conservative, but does anyone fucking get married anymore? I guess it doesn’t matter — everyone divorces anyway — but isn’t it appropriate to go through the motions? Maybe not. Maybe marriage is dead. That would be good, because if marriage is dead I don’t have to feel so bad about being old and unmarried. Maybe I don’t have to be bitter anymore. Eh, fuck it. I’ll stay bitter. Bitter is comfortable. Sorry for the rants, guys, I’m sick today, and I’m on my period, so I’m extra super grumpy. The good side of that is that I’ve given myself permission to consume to entire box of Reeses Whipps I bought at Costco yesterday. Seriously that box was meant for, like, a classroom of children to eat over the course of a month, and I’m going to eat it all today, thereby eliminating any chance that a man as hot as Adam Kaufman would ever want to impregnate me. But whatever. It makes me feel happy.

Anyway.

Congrats to Poppy and Adam!