Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz kept their baby Bronx alive for an entire year and yesterday they celebrated their glorious achievement by throwing their little boy a Sponge Bob themed birthday party.

You’d think that they’d do something Jungle Book related because the two are so obsessed with the Kipling book-turned Disney Classic that they got their son’s middle name from the main character (Mowgli– ew.), but they went with the Square Pants thing per the babies (kind of) request. “[Bronx] likes Bob and he likes guitar – which he calls ‘itar,’ so we’re going to have a SpongeBob party for him,” Pete told People. I would think that’d mean a Bob Marley themed birthday party, but I guess “special cake” would be lost on a one year old. Or kill him. I’m not suggesting people give their kids cake laced with marijuana, I’m just sayin’.

Perhaps my favorite part of this story is the nearly illiterate Tweets by the Simpson sisters made to commemorate the special day:

From Ashlee: “BX’s 1st bday tomorrow! My angel is going to be a year!! The greatest year of my life :)”

And Jessica: “Happy Birthday to my precious angel on earth!!! Bronx is 1 today!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I can’t believe it has been a year already.”

I’m going to be really sad when I have to write up a post next summer about how that poor baby got napped from Joe and Tina Simpson’s backyard by a coyote.

Last night Pete Wentz got drunk at some Nokia event and made a bet with Cobra Starship dude, Gabriel Saporta. What the bet was is probably going to remain secret, but what we do know is this: Pete Wentz lost and had to tattoo this Gabe dude’s face on his body. Hmmm. I’m sure Ashlee is thrilled that her husband went to a cell phone party and came home with another man’s face tattooed on leg. That must really be the (literally) crazy glue that keeps their whacky union sealed.

Earlier today on his Tumblr, Pete Wentz let us know what’s hip: “jay-z had the death of autotune. this is the death of the emo swoosh.” With those horrid bangs finally gone and this freshly buzzed head, I gotta say that Mr. Wentz is looking kind of cute.

Personally, I welcome the death of “the emo swoosh”, a hair cut that’s been emulated by every 14 year old boy and lesbian for the last five years. Not only was the look tired, but it got to the point where it was hard to look at the greasy locks on your conversation partner and not wonder when the hell the last time they showered was. Perhaps we can also kill the super skinny jeans, plaid shirts and two sizes too small hoodies while we’re already in the fashion graveyard, Pete? Thhhhaaanks.

I have to admit that Pete Wentz isn’t half as fun to write stories about since he stopped talking about his sex life every 20 minutes.  This new, more restrained rocker dude is a real snore.

Pete was out and about last night taking his emaciated looking wife Ashlee for a walk.  Actually, they were headed to the restaurant Angels & Kings — a hot spot that I’ve been wanting to call “Angels & Demons” every single time I’ve tried to write this story.

In a totally random and unrelated vein, the paps also took pics of Cameron Diaz on the same stretch of street.  When did she go from “cute surfer chick” to “lady who attends Botox parties”?

Complete and total adorableness!

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz — who’s lost all her baby weight and THEN SOME — carries little Bronx Mowgli out of a London hotel and onto a tour bus. Ash and Bronx are accompanying Pete Wentz on the Fall Out Boy tour. I guess Ashlee finished filming the Melrose Place pilot that probably won’t get picked up?

At least she has a precious little kiddo!!!

Why is it that whenever “troubled marriage” rumors start floating around, celeb couples feel the need to respond by making out in public?  Because if there is one couple that I never need to see having a tongue wrestling match, it’s Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.  Seeing these pictures gave me a very severe Michael Jackson/Lisa-Marie Presley moment and I don’t appreciate it.

The two nauseated me joined onstage at the MTV Australia awards and sent the unmistakable message:  We.  Are.  Happy.

If you are one of those morbidly curious types, fear not.  Pete, who can never shut his mouth, should be granting an interview any day now letting everyone know how many times they fucked after the awards, who had the most orgasms, and he’ll probably provide a position-by-position summary as well.  We can only hope.

Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz told The Daily Mail he is convinced someone is going to murder him.  He won’t open his door for fear of being taken down by a crazed gunman.  Pete needs a dose of reality.  Because, as a rule, gunmen often don’t announce their arrival by ringing the doorbell.  Of course, this whole murder concept comes from a dude who also said, “If I didn’t have a baby, I’d have a chimp.”  So, you know, grain of salt.

Other scintillating snippets of Pete’s interview:

• I never want to hear Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah again-it was playing when I overdosed in 2005.  It’s a hard song for me to listen to now, because it brings the moment back so vividly. It’s become such a popular song that it’s always on at parties these days, and I have to leave the room.
• While I’ll always be bipolar, I find it easier to deal with now.  I remember being extremely happy at the age of four. I went to visit an aunt in Switzerland and remember feeling ecstatic the entire summer. But now is even better. With marriage and fatherhood, I’ve finally found two fixed points in my life. They’ve taught me patience. They’ve also taught me that I don’t need to feel guilty about being happy. My emotional seasons are less extreme.
• My recurring nightmare is finding that Johnny Depp has joined our band.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy’s work. But imagine being in a band with someone who’s a million times better-looking and charming than yourself. I wouldn’t stand a chance. Same goes for Barack Obama. How could I say no if he wanted to join the band? Maybe he could do some dancing at the side of the stage. That would be cool.

Ashlee left the baby at home and took her new blond extensions and her hubby Pete Wentz to PURE in Las Vegas, where she downed champagne and partied the night away to ring in 2009.

She’s lost a lot of the baby weight, but you can tell she’s still being careful to cover up her arms and her tummy. Which is totally fine by me! It’s such a relief to find a celebrity who’s actually human and doesn’t lose the entirety of her baby weight in twelve days. That shit’s insane anyway.

Where are you going to be ringing in 2009?  I’m happy to tell you that I’ll be snowed in on a gluten-free bread bender.  But people who actually have lives have some big plans.  Check it out:

Jennifer Anistonis in Los Cabos with John Mayer, Courteney Cox and David Arquette.  Well, John Mayer is staying at a villa located in close proximity to where Jen is staying with the Arquettes.  He totally strikes me like one of those “We don’t need a title” types.  Bleah.

Lindsay Lohan is hanging out with Samantha Ronson at her deejaying gig at Mansion in South Beach.  Sam is feeling more rested since last week’s hospitalization now that she stopped eating at airport kiosks.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are hosting a party at PURE Nightclub in Vegas.  Technically, she’s Ashlee Simpson-Wentz but I’m preparing for the future when she drops him and the hyphename.

A longer list of New Year’s Eve celeb whereabouts is here and please, Denise Richards made this list?  Like one person in the universe was wondering what she was up to tonight.

Oh, and I just tried the bread and I gotta tell you:  Gluten-free bread is so disgusting.

Rather than hawk the first photos of their baby to the highest bidder, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz debuted the first photos of Bronx on Pete’s website, Friends or Enemies, with a note encouraging readers to donate to one of several suggested charities (including the Richie Madden Foundation).

Ya know, the more I learn about Pete Wentz, the more I think he’s probably a wicked smart and downright decent dude. Great catch, Ashlee.

Pete Wentz must be insecure.  Because it’s always the insecure ones that feel the need to share every detail of their life with anyone who will listen.  The newest example?  During a SIRIUS radio interview, he revealed that he has tried Ashlee’s breast milk and it’s “soury” and “weird”.  This is news we needed to hear. 

Sidebar:  In the same interview, he also talked about his weight.  “I usually hang out around 135, 134, I go up to about 140, and when I hit 148, I get fat face.”  I don’t understand Pete Wentz because sometimes he’s all  “I’m bi but I don’t actually hook up with dudes because I don’t like penises” and then this summer he was like “Yeah, I am a Fag” on the cover of Out but he’s married and has a kid.  So, not that I care, but his orientation has been a mystery to me.  Thankfully, he’s alleviated any confusion I may have been feeling by using the term “fat face”.

Last week on Howard Stern’s show, he launched his Just So You Know, I’m Really, Really Straight campaign by letting everyone know that though he and Ashlee aren’t back to having sex just yet, he is getting some blow jobs.  ”We have such sexual chemistry.  If we had been on this show last year, we’d probably be doing it in the green room right now.”  And my favorite line of all:  “I hope the kid doesn’t change it.”  Trust me Pete, the kid will change everything.

“It was the single best sexual encounter I’ve ever had. We were in the Soho Grand Hotel, and there was a mirror, and I was like, ‘Oh my God, you’re banging the girl of your dreams and you’re watching it right now.’”

Pete Wentz, talking to Howard Stern about the first time he had sex with his wife/baby mama Ashlee Simpson.

He also commented on their decision not to sell their baby’s pictures. “At this point, it was not the right decision for us to go out and pimp our baby in that way,” he said. “That’s not to say that the world’s not going to see the baby … or fans aren’t going to see the baby, but he’s not a commodity.”

Rock on, Pete. I like this kid more and more these days.