New Years was rung in with a bang by celebrities from coast to coast. Here are some highlights of how celebrities got wasted, hooked up, and ended up giving us some great stories to kick off 2007!

Britney Spears almost dies at Pure in Vegas…no wait she was just really really “tired”…more on this later. [PerezHilton]

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden made out at Ghostbar in Vegas. You think Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan had a Feud…wait till she checks this out. [Dlisted]

Lindsay Lohan just looked beat in Miami. For not drinking she looks wasted here. [Mollygood]

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss tie the knot in Phuket, Thailand. Even though he is a drug addict and she just got her career back after a cocaine arrest…it seemed like a good idea at the time. [Daily Mail]

Hope you have recovered from your hangovers…

For the record, Abbie Cornish claims she and Ryan Phillippe are “friends and that’s it.” [Just Jared]

In a last-ditch effort to make something good come of Elizabethtown, Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are now officially dating. [A Socialite's Life]

Nicole Richie fires celeb stylist Rachel Zoe, possibly because she’s the only person on the planet who makes Richie look obese in comparison. [Perez Hilton]

Kate Moss’s fiance, Pete Doherty, is arrested for possession of crack cocaine. [Cele|Bitchy]

Carmen Electra is old now, too. And bless the girls at Dirty Laundry, who always link to the full-size photos of celebs, so you can check out every little zit and wrinkle on her aging little face. [Dirty Laundry]

Oh hells no! Britney removes K-Fed from her top 12 on MySpace. That’s what you get for writing mean things about her on shower walls, Kevin. [Faded Youth]

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are turned away from the London world premiere of Casino Royale, after someone very wise determined that perhaps Queen Elizabeth should not share a red carpet with a world-renowned cokehead. [Agent Bedhead]

Madonna confirms that she plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi, in order to “redress the balance” in her family. Madonna says things like “redress” because she’s British. Oh wait. [Dirty Laundry]

Donald Trump is going to be a grandpa. Sadly, it’s not because Lance Armstrong knocked up Ivanka. [The Bosh]

Madame Tussaud’s unveils the new Ashlee Simpson wax likeness. What’s that? Oh, I’m told that’s actually Ashlee Simpson. [Celebrity Smack]

Okay, so, in college, some friends and I determined that Sexual Misadventures with Kimmy Gibbler would be, hands-down, the best band name ever. My reasons for mentioning this now are twofold. First, it’s still true, and someone should get on that. Second, Bob Saget actually makes reference to sex with Kimmy Gibbler in this clip of his stand-up, where he sings “Danny Tanner Is Not Gay” to the tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way.” [BWE]

Are you ready to masturbate to sneakers? Reebok sure hopes so. They’ve hired Scarlett to co-create a line of footwear and apparel and star in the ad campaign. [IDLYITW]

Finally! It’s time for the Reese Witherspoon love interest rumors! Up first: Jake Gyllenhaal. [Hollywood Grind]

Burkegate trudges forward, with new revelations that Grey’s Anatomy star Isaiah Washington has a history of violence and general on-set assholery. [TMZ]

Madonna will appear on Oprah on Wednesday to defend her kinda-sorta-legal adoption of Malawi orphan David Banda, and, probably, to plug her upcoming adoption. [Hollywood Grind]

Studio 60 is taking a one-week break from mildly amusing a viewership rich and liberal enough to know they should love Aaron Sorkin unconditionally, as NBC “quietly” slips a drama about Texas high-school football into the timeslot. What could possibly go wrong? [Defamer]

If there’s anything Kate Moss and Pete Doherty need right now, it’s a goddamn infant in their care. [MollyGood]

For being a billion years old, Sharon Stone still has some really nice nipples. [Yes But No But Yes]

If you thought I’d gotten all my classlessness out of my system with a Sharon Stone nip-shot, you were wrong. Wanna see up Nicole Richie’s skirt? You only get to laugh condescendingly at me until you click the link. [Faded Youth]

Check out Pink’s new video for her next single, “Nobody Knows.” [Perez Hilton]

• Orlando Bloom decides he can’t see Kate Bosworth anymore. No, really, he can’t actually see her anymore.
• It’s official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes found a baby to adopt! Katie Couric kicked off her CBS career with the pics. From the looks of the kid, some 15-year-old prostitute in Cambodia is a real big fan of Scientology these days.
• It’s not that Victoria Beckham is pregnant, it’s just that her husband doesn’t speak Spanish.
• When a lot of rich people have invested a lot of money in you, you don’t have to go to jail for petty things like using heroin and selling cocaine to teenagers in rehab. Isn’t that right, Pete Doherty?
• Jessica Simpson denies she’s dating John Mayer on the View today. So if we could just get a moratorium on all “Is Jessica Simpson’s Body a Wonderland?” headlines for awhile, that’d be great, mmkay?

• If you liked Mean Girls, you’ll love Heathers 2.
• When William H. Macy goes on the record with how much you suck, Lindsay Lohan, you must totally suck.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been lurking around the Yahoo/HBO complex in Santa Monica. They must have found a sitter for their little Suri. And by “sitter” I of course mean “fake sitter,” and by “Suri” I of course mean “PR stunt.”
• Since he can’t marry Kate Moss just yet, Pete Doherty is passing the time by sneaking cocaine to teenagers in rehab.

Clips day continues. You know it’s a slow news day when you’ve tracked down a clip of Christina Aguilera on Letterman to use on your blog. But after the Federlesion horror you endured in my last post, Ms. Xtina rocking out should be a welcome treat. I love this girl and I love this song.

The “news” I found on the floor of the gas station bathroom this afternoon:

• Kate Moss, the inarguable Queen of Good Ideas, took it upon herself to plan a wedding to the King of Better Ideas, Pete Doherty. He didn’t show. Johnny Depp pokes his head out from his swimming pool of gazillion dollar bills and critical acclaim to laugh.
• Osama Bin Laden plays his own sick game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The choices are Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, and novelist Kola Boof. Play amongst yourselves first.
• Jessica Simpson’s new single sucks so hard that she has lowered herself to warring with Kristin Cavalleri at the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, that’s right, the chick from Laguna Beach. Who Stephen Colletti called a slut. Who is 19 years old. And who probably banged her ex-husband. These are stars that won’t stop rising, kids.