If there are two people on this planet that I’d like to talk about less than Perez Hilton and John Mayer, I don’t know who they are. However, this must be discussed.

Last year, my least favorite non- blogger made the media rounds, letting everyone know that in December, 2006 he (allegedly!) made out with John Mayer. Tongue kissing-five minutes-Perez and John Mayer while Jessica Simpson rubbed Mayer’s crotch. I’m no fan of Perez but I totally believed this story based on the level of detail he provided coupled with my own assessment that John Mayer reminds me of every closeted gay guy I ever dated. Mayer has always denied this incident ever occurred, until now:

“He has to go tell people that I made out with him at a club. I never said anything, but you know what? Damn right I made out with him at a club. You know why? Because I can’t stand a gay guy who acts like he just turned gay yesterday. As soon as a guy is walking around all wild… I will fuck you in the ass to shut you up. You are not wilder than me. Once you judge me I will go ass to mouth with you just to shut you up. First of all, I was thinking about going gay until you turned into their spokesperson.

“I was thinking about going gay. Every man has thought about going gay. It’s usually like.. 2:23 in the morning you wake up. ‘Oh God, interesting!’ We seem to leave out the details, don’t we guys? Guys like fantasies without the details. ‘Oh yeah, I could blow a dude. Might taste like cherries.’ You know that smell at New York Sports Club? The locker room? That’s balls….

“The idea of blowing a guy, that’s not the problem. The problem is like he’d have some other detail that I didn’t think about, like a hangnail or a fucking class ring knocking into my forehead. Class of 98 just hitting me, or given my predilections Class of 72…

“Whatever, have a good time. Like I don’t know this stuff is going to end up somewhere and they’re going to act like it’s a surprise that it got there. I thought about this shit before I came out… who fucking cares. Have a good time.”

John did this stand up routine on the Mayercraft Concert Cruise. I didn’t know such an entity existed, but apparently it boils down to five days on a boat with John Mayer being subjected to John Mayer music and John Mayer confessions. I would throw myself overboard within the first seven hours minutes.

Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

Nearly a year after a judge ordered her to pay $87K in legal fees to Perez Hilton for his legal fees in the defamation lawsuit she filed (and lost) against the blogger, Samantha has ponied up the dough. The payment comes just a day before Samantha was supposed to have to appear in court to explain why she couldn’t come up with the cash. Someone didn’t want the authorities poking into her finances …

I always figured there must have been some crazy bullshit behind this lawsuit in the first place. If you don’t remember, Perez Hilton’s website repeated a claim by Jill Ishkanian’s website that Samantha Ronson was the true owner of the cocaine found in Lindsay Lohan’s car after her drunk driving arrest in May 2007. (Jill Ishkanian, just for fun, is the same chick accused of calling the cops on Heather Locklear just so she could profit from the photos of her arrest. A sweet girl all around.) But Samantha is, by anyone’s judgment, a public figure — even back then — and musings of she and Lindsay’s drug use is clearly a matter of public interest. A judge agreed on all these points. Samantha’s lawyers must have warned her that this case would be damn near impossible to win, at least against Perez (Ronson and Ishkanian later settled out of court). Our Constitution makes it pretty clear that Perez Hilton gets to talk shit about Samantha Ronson. It’s, like, on page four. But she moved forward with the suit anyway. It all seemed odd to me.

Perez Hilton is suing the folks behind a little gossip blog called PerezRevenge.com, claiming they’re infringing on his trademark. (You can read the legal docs here.)

He’s asking the court to force the site to shut down, and for its owners to pay his legal fees.

What a moron.

He’ll never win this case — I mean, either “Perez Hilton” is a public figure or he isn’t — and, in the process, he’s racking up legal fees and attention for the competitor site.

Doesn’t he ever get tired of this shit?

Okay, okay, I know, there’s been a lot of Perez-hating around here lately. But this time it’s coming from Lily Allen, not me.

On her most recent MySpace blog, Lily strikes back about Perez posting the following:

In her blog rant from earlier today, Lily Allen spread a bunch of lies, most of which are easily debunked.

Like this one!

Claims the British trainwreck, “And this is not meant in any way [to be mean] but I’d never heard of Katy Perry before I came here [to L.A.] a few days ago, I didn’t even know she was on Capitol.”

Uhmm, liar!

Sources close to both Lily and Katy tell us that Allen “definitely knows” Perry.

In fact, they’ve even met!

Above is a lovely picture of Katy and Lily together.

Oh, and the folks at Capitol also tell us that Lily is lying. She says, “I think I visited Capitols office in New York once, about a year a half ago.”

Maybe all the pAArtying is affecting her brain? Cuz our peeps at Capitol tell us she’s been there MORE than once in the past year and a half.

Why lie, Lily? Why lie?????

Lily’s response:

I am not a liar Pee pEe , how can I possibly have been to Capitols office in the last year when my visa to get into the states was only granted three weeks ago, there is no Capitol office in LA as far as I know and I certainly haven’t been to New York in the past few days , you should know , you’ve documented my every move since I got here ? And many people ask to have their photos taken with me , I don’t keep a record of peoples names . You wouldn’t understand that though , you can probably remember the names and faces of all seven fans that turned up to your clothing line signing the other day.

I made you a present

now if i’m so irrelevant , stop subscribing to my blog and let me get back to work

I dare you to post this on your site

The “present” was the photo I’ve included above.

Again, folks, Lily’s words, not mine.

Thanks Lucy!

Update: I fixed this so you guys can see the images.

Update 2: Okay, now I’m getting emails from radio and TV stations asking if I can help them score Jonathan for an interview. Loves it.

Look.

Normally the last thing I want to do is give any publicity to either Jonathan Jaxson or Perez Hilton. But this was just too good to pass up. So this is going to be, like, more of an extensive rant than a normal blog post, because I have a lot to say on the matter.

You all know who Perez is, but let me give you some background on Jonathan. He popped up on the celeb blogging scene about a year ago, but he has a long and distinguished history of fame-whoring. He’s been on like 18,000 reality TV shows, each less self-respecting than the last, and is basically willing to do anything to get you to talk about him. I’ve emailed with him a few times, and, frankly, find him to be a nice enough guy, but he has a habit of making up email addresses and sending out disturbing self-promoting emails that kind of make me want to slap him.

Here’s just one example — an email I got on September 5, 2007 from a “Bart Ray.”

Hi,

I am writing you regarding former Hollywood publicist
turned blogger, Jonathan Jaxson and a sex video I just
got hands on of he and Bobby Trendy. It is crazy.
These are some screen shots of the two I have
uncovered that Bobby sent me prior to leaking the
tape.

Whoa. This JJ kid is crazy and beautiful.
(www.jonathanjaxson.com)

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=178467

Bart

You need a login to check out the photos on JUB, so I emailed “Bart” back (knowing full well it was JJ) asking if he could just send along the photos, and he happily obliged. If you guys really care, let me know, and I’m happy to post them, but, at the time, I decided against it, because the photos of “Bobby Trendy” didn’t have his face in them, and the photos of Jonathan didn’t have his penis in them, and the whole thing was just very boring and stupid. But this is just one example of the semi-regular emails I get from Jonathan and his pseudonyms. It’s relentless. In November 2007, I got an email from a “stanleyjason31@yahoo.com” alerting me to a tape of Jonathan masturbating on dudetube or some shit. I did a brief post on that one. The video is down now, but, as I recall, it was really, really dirty — I think it was the tape Perez refers to in these transcripts. Really dirty. Like I get embarrassed just thinking about the possibility of me making a tape like that, even if it were for the sole purpose of burning it immediately afterward. Never, never, never. (You’re welcome, Mom.)

So anyway.

On Thursday morning, this ran in the NY Post:

MARIO Lavandeira – better known as online gossip “Perez Hilton” – encouraged a handsome young blogger to send sex tapes of himself while he was making promises of promotion for the blogger’s own fledgling Web site.

Jonathan Jaxson – a former publicist and founder of gossip site JJ’s Dirt – told Page Six he sent Lavandeira sexually explicit videos of himself with the hope of Lavandeira’s help, which never materialized.

“He would tell me he would give me stories for my blog,” Jaxson, 24, said of Lavandeira, 29. “He used me.”

We’ve obtained pages of lengthy AOL Instant-Messenger chats between Jaxson and “Perez Hilton,” who has risen to fame with his Web site, where he doodles on photos of celebrities accompanied by scathing insults.

The New York Times ran a gushing puff piece on “Perez” Tuesday, reporting he gets 2.8 million visitors a month and is in talks with Warner Music for his own label because he has such a great ear for new music.

In an exchange from Sept. 1, 2007, Lavandeira told Jaxson, “you should totally make a sex tape . . . (but not with me).” Jaxson wrote back, “I will have to make one on here for you tomorrow and e-mail it to you.” Lavandeira responded, “Hot! Do it now!”

The next afternoon, Lavandeira asked Jaxson, “When are you sending me that video you promised?” Jaxson responded, “If you do a phone blog with me for my blog . . . as if I am cold calling you in attempt to get advice for my blog. You can be totally rude. I don’t want others to know we talk.”

The next day, Lavandeira asked again, “Where is that video?”

Jaxson told Page Six he sent Lavandeira videos of himself masturbating and other forms of “sex videos,” but said he only met Lavandeira in person three times – once in Florida and twice in New York.

“I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart . . . but he’s just a [bleep]hole,” Jaxson told us. “We started working together and communicating on how to make my blog bigger. Then it got more personal and intimate.”

Lavendeira had no comment.

On Thursday afternoon, I got this in my email, from — who else? — stanleyjason31@yahoo.com:

Love your blogs. Here is the AIM chats the NY post got ahold of from Perez Hilton & Jonathan Jaxson. They talk major sex in exchange for publicity. You must read!!!

Here you go!!!

Stanley

Amusingly, “Stanley” hasn’t learned the art of the blind CC; the email also went out to the teams at Jezebel, Defamer, Fleshbot, Gawker, the Superficial, DListed, TMZ, Hollyscoop, Jossip, and — my personal favorite — MSNBC.

So, basically, like, here’s the moral: Fame is a disease. And Jonathan Jaxson has a very serious, debilitating case of it. Listen closely, people: if I ever get to the point where I’m sending the goddamn “what would you do to me if you were here?” AIM chats I have with dudes I’m dating to fucking goddamn Jezebel in the hopes that they’ll actually print it just take me outside and shoot my head off. Don’t ask questions. Just kill me. I’m unsalvageable.

But I digress.

The truth is, though, these transcripts really are a must-read. I mean, seriously, guys, there’s a part in there where Perez brags about his 8.5 inch cock (although he claims he hasn’t measured it since high school). It’s fucking genius.

Full transcripts are after the jump. They’re not safe for work; there’s a lot of penis in there, kids. Lotta penis.

(more…)

Remember that little lawsuit where Samantha Ronson sued Perez Hilton for claiming she’d sold unflattering photos of Lindsay Lohan?

Perez won the lawsuit, and now he’s asking SamRo to pay his legal bills.

He’s requested $93,000 in attorneys’ fees to compensate for the bill he racked up defending himself against the defamation suit.

Dayum. Lawyers are expensive. Much more expensive than paying for photos, ahem.