“Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all?Don’t ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U”

Jessica Simpson’s Tweet to Perez Hilton in response to his blog that Bronx, Jess’ nephew, was celebrating his first birthday.  Perez’s ghost writer Perez wrote:  ”It’s been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it’s all the family is talking about! … Poor lil’ thing doesn’t stand a chance!!!”

What is more ironic?  That Jessica Simpson cares what Perez Hilton dot com has to say about her nephew, or that she thinks Mario Lavanderia himself is actually banging posts out about Jess and her fam?  PH is phucking phfamous now!

Considering that a lot of non-famous people probably dressed up like them last night, it’s interesting to see what celebs chose to be for Halloween. I love that Gwen Stefani wasn’t afraid to don a head to toe Jessie (from Toy Story 2) costume to take her kids out trick-or-treating. Gavin gets negative points for taking himself too seriously and not wearing a costume.

Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis and his son both dressed as Eddie Munster while Christina Aguilera and son Max went out as a pair of skeletons. James Gandolfini and designer Christian Siriano both looked unintentionally creepy– one because he was wearing a Homer Simpson mask with the eyes cut out, the other because… well… you’ll see.

Perez Hilton launches his new website, CocoPerez.com, on Thursday. If you go to the website now, there’s only a blank page and a login. But I’m sorta computer-savvy, and his developers clearly are not, and so I poked around a bit to get a first look at the homepage. The rumors have been that this is going to be a website targeting women around the 26-year-old demographic, using “longer-form” editorial content, but what it looks like to me is PerezHilton.com but focusing on the fashion world. I mean, in some of these posts, he’s still drawing on photos. (I think he’s trying to remain true to the brand, but it doesn’t play well with the “more mature audience” concept. Drop that part, Mario.)

The longer-form editorials appear to consist of a paragraph or so more than his traditional pieces. For instance, he ran this piece about the new Harvard clothing line on his current site. The mock-up for the new site includes that same article, but with the last paragraph expanded to say this:

This is all fine and well, but there is one lingering question: why?? This is from so far left field. We would understand if The New School or RISD or any number of artistic/fashion focused schools launched a line – it would still be unusual but at least a logical progression. But this?? This is just so random. Especially since Harvard isn’t exactly thought of as the apex of fashion. This is like Janet Reno announcing she’s launching a line of lingerie. You just can’t get your head around it because it’s so…bizarre.

Well, at least they’ve got our attention!

Ohhhhhh man. Mario, dude, you’re not cut out for “longer-form” editorial. The more you “write,” the more obvious it becomes that you’re a gossip hound and famewhore, but clearly not a “writer.” This concept doesn’t play to your strengths; rather, it exposes your weaknesses. Tell ya what, buddy: You stick to short-form editorial and the Fidel Castro beat, and I’ll handle being funny and insightful for the both of us. Side note: Want me to manage your IT department, too?

I’m so relieved that Breckin Meyer is speaking out against couples skating.  No one should ever, ever have to endure such an injustice.

“These are vulgar anti-gay slurs that feed a climate of hatred and intolerance toward our community. For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, ‘The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,’ is incredibly dangerous. It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting anti-gay attitudes.”

Rashad Robinson, Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’s senior director of media programs, releasing a statement about Perez Hilton’s run-in with the heat-seeking missile better known as will.i.am. 

GLAAD has also requested that media outlets not identify the “bad words” that Hilton said.  I’m big into owning one’s actions — he said “fag” and “faggot.”

Perez responded through TMZ:

“I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

As many of you know, Perez went on Twitter this morning asking for the Toronto police to report to the hotel he was staying at, because he stated he had been attacked by Black Eyed Pea’s will.i.am.  His exact Tweet was:  “I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.” Does it strike anyone as slightly illogical that the blogger was on his Sidekick sending out messages (and there were a few) to the Twitterverse that he needed someone to call the cops?  My theory is this:  If you can type 140 characters on Twitter, you can dial three numbers — 9-1-1.

Needless to say, Hilton has videotaped a statement where he documents the happenings of the evening.  He refers to w.i.a. as a “heat-seeking missile”, there is lots of crying on the tape, and many “ev-er” and “ne-ver” utterances.  Very.  Dramatic.  I think what I take the most issue with is the fact that, the way Perez describes the series of events, it sounds like will.i.am’s manager hit Perez, not the singer himself.  Oh, and Perez’s video isn’t suitable for work thanks to his curse-laden tantrum near the end.

I also want you to watch will.i.am’s two videotaped statements, viewable here and here.  Isn’t it interesting how factual and calm he seems to be?

I don’t doubt for a moment that Perez Hilton got punched in the face — it was only a matter of time.  Do I think anyone deserves to be physically assaulted?  No.  Do I think Perez Hilton has culpability for escalating a bad situation by screaming at someone calling them a “fag” and a “faggot”?  Yes.  Do I think he owes will.i.am an apology for Tweeting that the rapper assaulted him, when it sounds like it was a Black Eyed Pea employee that did the punching?  Ab.  So.  Lutely.

Just in case you hadn’t noticed them before, she put a big ole star on them and framed them with a… is that a gun holster? What is that?

The Dutchess did her best Tomb Raider impression on the red carpet at this Saturday’s 102.7 KIIS FM Wango Tango event– which does not refer to a Ted Nugent song, but a Summer Concert held in Irvine, CA.

Lady Gaga was also present, but turned the corner from delightfully insane antics to just plain old pyschosis when she started laying wet ones on Perez Hilton. Let’s all hope she soon goes back to talking to her tea cups.

If there are two people on this planet that I’d like to talk about less than Perez Hilton and John Mayer, I don’t know who they are. However, this must be discussed.

Last year, my least favorite non- blogger made the media rounds, letting everyone know that in December, 2006 he (allegedly!) made out with John Mayer. Tongue kissing-five minutes-Perez and John Mayer while Jessica Simpson rubbed Mayer’s crotch. I’m no fan of Perez but I totally believed this story based on the level of detail he provided coupled with my own assessment that John Mayer reminds me of every closeted gay guy I ever dated. Mayer has always denied this incident ever occurred, until now:

“He has to go tell people that I made out with him at a club. I never said anything, but you know what? Damn right I made out with him at a club. You know why? Because I can’t stand a gay guy who acts like he just turned gay yesterday. As soon as a guy is walking around all wild… I will fuck you in the ass to shut you up. You are not wilder than me. Once you judge me I will go ass to mouth with you just to shut you up. First of all, I was thinking about going gay until you turned into their spokesperson.

“I was thinking about going gay. Every man has thought about going gay. It’s usually like.. 2:23 in the morning you wake up. ‘Oh God, interesting!’ We seem to leave out the details, don’t we guys? Guys like fantasies without the details. ‘Oh yeah, I could blow a dude. Might taste like cherries.’ You know that smell at New York Sports Club? The locker room? That’s balls….

“The idea of blowing a guy, that’s not the problem. The problem is like he’d have some other detail that I didn’t think about, like a hangnail or a fucking class ring knocking into my forehead. Class of 98 just hitting me, or given my predilections Class of 72…

“Whatever, have a good time. Like I don’t know this stuff is going to end up somewhere and they’re going to act like it’s a surprise that it got there. I thought about this shit before I came out… who fucking cares. Have a good time.”

John did this stand up routine on the Mayercraft Concert Cruise. I didn’t know such an entity existed, but apparently it boils down to five days on a boat with John Mayer being subjected to John Mayer music and John Mayer confessions. I would throw myself overboard within the first seven hours minutes.

Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

Nearly a year after a judge ordered her to pay $87K in legal fees to Perez Hilton for his legal fees in the defamation lawsuit she filed (and lost) against the blogger, Samantha has ponied up the dough. The payment comes just a day before Samantha was supposed to have to appear in court to explain why she couldn’t come up with the cash. Someone didn’t want the authorities poking into her finances …

I always figured there must have been some crazy bullshit behind this lawsuit in the first place. If you don’t remember, Perez Hilton’s website repeated a claim by Jill Ishkanian’s website that Samantha Ronson was the true owner of the cocaine found in Lindsay Lohan’s car after her drunk driving arrest in May 2007. (Jill Ishkanian, just for fun, is the same chick accused of calling the cops on Heather Locklear just so she could profit from the photos of her arrest. A sweet girl all around.) But Samantha is, by anyone’s judgment, a public figure — even back then — and musings of she and Lindsay’s drug use is clearly a matter of public interest. A judge agreed on all these points. Samantha’s lawyers must have warned her that this case would be damn near impossible to win, at least against Perez (Ronson and Ishkanian later settled out of court). Our Constitution makes it pretty clear that Perez Hilton gets to talk shit about Samantha Ronson. It’s, like, on page four. But she moved forward with the suit anyway. It all seemed odd to me.

Perez Hilton is suing the folks behind a little gossip blog called PerezRevenge.com, claiming they’re infringing on his trademark. (You can read the legal docs here.)

He’s asking the court to force the site to shut down, and for its owners to pay his legal fees.

What a moron.

He’ll never win this case — I mean, either “Perez Hilton” is a public figure or he isn’t — and, in the process, he’s racking up legal fees and attention for the competitor site.

Doesn’t he ever get tired of this shit?

Okay, okay, I know, there’s been a lot of Perez-hating around here lately. But this time it’s coming from Lily Allen, not me.

On her most recent MySpace blog, Lily strikes back about Perez posting the following:

In her blog rant from earlier today, Lily Allen spread a bunch of lies, most of which are easily debunked.

Like this one!

Claims the British trainwreck, “And this is not meant in any way [to be mean] but I’d never heard of Katy Perry before I came here [to L.A.] a few days ago, I didn’t even know she was on Capitol.”

Uhmm, liar!

Sources close to both Lily and Katy tell us that Allen “definitely knows” Perry.

In fact, they’ve even met!

Above is a lovely picture of Katy and Lily together.

Oh, and the folks at Capitol also tell us that Lily is lying. She says, “I think I visited Capitols office in New York once, about a year a half ago.”

Maybe all the pAArtying is affecting her brain? Cuz our peeps at Capitol tell us she’s been there MORE than once in the past year and a half.

Why lie, Lily? Why lie?????

Lily’s response:

I am not a liar Pee pEe , how can I possibly have been to Capitols office in the last year when my visa to get into the states was only granted three weeks ago, there is no Capitol office in LA as far as I know and I certainly haven’t been to New York in the past few days , you should know , you’ve documented my every move since I got here ? And many people ask to have their photos taken with me , I don’t keep a record of peoples names . You wouldn’t understand that though , you can probably remember the names and faces of all seven fans that turned up to your clothing line signing the other day.

I made you a present

now if i’m so irrelevant , stop subscribing to my blog and let me get back to work

I dare you to post this on your site

The “present” was the photo I’ve included above.

Again, folks, Lily’s words, not mine.

Thanks Lucy!