Geez, ya know, when I was a little kid and my dad wanted to spend some quality time with me, he’d, like, toss me into the car and let me eat chicken wings at Hooters while he watched the game with his buddies.

Brad Pitt?*

Takes his sons to the Venice Film Festival.

It’s clear that I was not loved as a child.

* Question: Should we start calling him Brad Jolie-Pitt? I think yes.

This is pretty fucking adorable.

Zahara Jolie-Pitt feeds her brother Pax some manner of food on what appears to be a faux camping trip of some sort.

How does Angelina do it? When my sister and I were that age, I wasn’t feeding her anything, except for this one time I put Tabasco sauce on her bread. And then she beat my ass. And we were, like, ages 5 and 3. Everything in Angelina Jolie’s life is just magically wonderful and we all have to live with that.

That girl is totally, like, the most badass two-year-old at the International Preschool in Prague.

It’s just that, you know, most two-year-olds like to wear shirts with kittens on them. Or puppies. Or a rainbow. Or Barney. Or something they can recognize. I really don’t think that Zahara’s in a position yet to appreciate the 1970s-British-heavy-metal coolness of her t-shirt. What do you think Brad tells her when she asks about what’s on her shirt?

And she is sooo adorable. Seriously, does Angelina have, like, a software program to help determine exactly how adorable a baby will be when she becomes a toddler? Or does spending that much time around the most beautiful couple in the world just make anyone hot?

Also, where’s Maddox in all this? Why doesn’t he have to go to school?