Let’s play a little game. Was she:

A) Drunk
B) high on Painkillers
C) high on Anti-Depressants

And who the hell let her on the air? Great job PR team!

Yes. It’s true. Drunkie Paula gave the following quote to Entertainment Weekly:

“Last year, when no one understood what I was saying, and even though I’ve never been drunk in my life, I’m accused of filling my Coca-Cola cup with alcohol. Yeah, that was really fun for me.”

First off, Paula, way to remember to plug Coca-Cola even in the midst of a conversation about your alcoholism. You’re a real pro.

Also, dear, if I were you, I’d cop to the drinking. Because if you’re claiming you gave an interview like this sober, well, you leave the rest of us no choice but to assume you are functionally retarded. Come on, Paula? How about some information, please?

Straight up now, tell me, you don’t really wanna drug yourself forever?

Oh oh oh….

Or you slur your speech ‘cuz you hurt your tongue?

Straight up now, tell me, that you never touch booze or weed, not ever?

Oh oh oh…

Are you really just that dumb?

Paula Paula Paula…you are an woman in her 40s there is no reason to dress like a teenager from the late 90s. If you are trying to look hot in a corset please don’t put bows on it. I really think this woman needs to hire a stylist to make her look like an actual lady. She is trashy without the body to back it up and it is just kind of sad that she just can’t pull it together and wear a normal non-Forever 21 outfit. It is sad when people spend thousands of dollars to look this cheap. I really can’t wait for American Idol this season to see if she’s sobered up a bit..bitch is crazy and that is why I love her.

A day with Paula Abdul is not worth $26,000 to anyone. A day with her Vicodin supply? Now that’s another story. [CelebSlam]

Nicole Richie doesn’t like it when strangers text message her. [Drunken Stepfather]

Scary Spice is carrying Eddie Murphy’s love child. [Juicy-News]

Check out the video from Christina Aguilera’s new single, “Hurt,” which comes complete with a father-daughter separation scene straight out of a Michael Lohan cartoon. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Before they became the alcoholic, abusive, herpetic mess we all took such pure joy in watching them become, Liza Minelli and David Gest filmed a pilot for a reality show. Because God loves you, this footage has surfaced. [Perez Hilton]

Ellen Degeneres invites a hyptonist on her show for a weepy attempt to rid herself of the smoking habit, the cumulative result of which is that now I want a cigarette. [Defamer]

I’ve written several intros to this video and I keep erasing them. It’s easy to poke fun at Paula Abdul’s substance abuse problem. It’s so painfully obvious on AmIdol that I find myself exclaiming “Wow, I think she’s sober tonight” in the rare instance that she appears to be.

You’d think she’d have people around her to do something about this. I mean, even if they can’t keep her from guzzling liquor and vicodin, at least they could keep her off of live television for the night. But the folks at E! caught her on Emmy night, and asked her questions she proceeded to answer using her best impression of an overtired 5-year-old. I’m kind of sad for her, actually. I’ve decided the only reason she can get through tapings of AmIdol is that they film it in the afternoon — clearly, by nightfall, she’s totally incoherent.

The sound and picture quality get better about 15 seconds in.