Check out Paula Abdul’s pre-game performance of “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.”

Check out the preview for Paula Abdul’s “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.”

“I was pregnant at the time and probably a little moody, but I remember thinking, ‘She’s a disaster! I gotta prop this lady up and get her on TV. [She was] disastrous … in the way she generally appears to be.”

Tina Fey talks to Playboy about trainwreck Paula Abdul’s 2005 hosting gig on SNL.

Well, she doesn’t have it, not in the long-term possession sense, but she’s showing it off at an Emmy gifting suite. Yes, those are actual diamonds encasing the flatiron. Because, you know, that’s necessary. Because it’s not like poor, deserving inner-city kids need things like computers and textbooks and winter jackets. No, no. Somewhere, there is a woman who really needs a diamond-encrusted flatiron.

If I were the people running that gifting suite, I would keep a close eye on Paula with that thing. She might trip over it.

Remember all that talk about Paula Abdul choreographing the upcoming live-action Bratz movie? I know everyone was excited to watch a group of teenage actresses stumble across stages, burst randomly into tears, do the seal clap and trip over chihuahuas, but it looks like we may not be treated to that. Paula was informed that her services were not actually needed.

PAULA Abdul was fired via e-mail from the live-action movie “Bratz,” as a TV camera re corded her tearful reaction. On this week’s episode of “Hey Paula,” Abdul’s self-aggrandizing reality show on Bravo, the loopy “American Idol” judge is shown crying after she receives a message from real “Bratz” producers telling her that her services are no longer wanted. She had claimed she was the film’s choreographer, costume designer and executive producer. The episode shows perma-victim Abdul screaming, “How can they treat me this way?” Our source said, “Paula was not ever really a part of the movie, and she was a night mare to deal with. There was no way that was going to work.” A rep for Lionsgate said, “We love Paula, and we were sorry the partnership wasn’t able to come together.”

Heh. “Perma-victim.” That’s a really good way to describe Paula Abdul on that show.

Whoever is managing this woman needs to be fired again and again and again.

I finally had the opportunity to watch an episode of Hey, Paula, and it is, to summarize, thirty minutes of Paula Abdul wasted. And I do mean for the entire thirty minutes. Seriously, guys, even the Real World kids tend to be sober for some measurable portion of the daytime. Not so with Ms. Abdul. The last time I saw a reality show about someone who was this ridiculously wasted all fucking day, it was called The Anna Nicole Show. And we all know how well that turned out.

Ratings for the show have been dismal, and rightly so. It’s mundane. It’s pathetic. It’s embarrassing. It’s not like watching a train wreck. It’s like watching the five-year-old you’re babysitting crash his Tonka trucks into each other. Over and over again.

But the blame for this extends beyond Paula. Someone pitched this show. Someone agreed to produce it. Bravo agreed to air it. And Paula Abdul herself must have been in at least one or two meetings with these people before any of this happened. So these people knew what they were getting into. It’s not like this woman is witty. It’s not like she’s insightful. It’s not like her day-to-day life is particularly interesting. Her staff obviously hates her, and everyone who has to interact with her does so in approximately the same tone of voice you’d employ with your young Tonka aficionado. So I have to figure that all these people were just betting on her being so fucking retarded all the time that it would make good TV. Paula, my dear, you may want to look for new management, preferably one who can focus on helping you conquer your drug problem rather than exploiting it.

I’ve included a clip of my favorite scene of this episode, in which Paula is touring the lab of a fragrance company producing the perfume to which she’s going to lend her name. She stumbles down the stairs to the lab, then drops a sampler on the floor, bends down to pick it up, and doesn’t see any pressing reason to stand back up again. She then says the word “sexpot” in much the same way I might, had I taken six Vicodin and polished off two tumblers of Scotch before 1 pm.

Not that this should come as a surprise to anyone, but our resident chihuahua-preservation guru had a nervous break-down on a conference call the other day. There is so, so much to say about this article, but I have so, so many other things to do right now, so I’m going to go ahead and let Page Six do my job for me right now. We’ll chat about this in more detail later.

She sobs on the tape: “I’ve never been treated this way and I’ve never seen anybody treated this way. This is just too much to stomach.” Abdul is assured by those hearing her wails, “You will be treated better starting right now.”

“I’ve been going through tremendous amounts of a difficult time,” said Abdul, who recently fibbed to her fans when she said she hurt her nose tripping over her Chihuahua. (We reported the real story last week – that Abdul threw a glass against the wall and a shard of it cut her face.)

Ranting about Bragman [her publicist], who apparently didn’t appreciate her enough, the petite former pop star says: “I do a call-in every week for OK! Magazine on ‘American Idol.’ Because of my brilliant job, they want to do a cover on me. I’m being told by Howard Bragman that I’m too old and no one will ever want to do a cover.

“I’m being tested. All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to be treated fairly and be treated with kindness. And I’ve never in my entire career been treated this way. The people who are supposed to take care of these things do not. I have to clean up after them everywhere they go. And I’m tired of it.”