I’m watching American Idol tonight, and maybe this is due to my burgeoning Ambien problem, but every time they showed Scott MacIntyre’s face in that dark leather jacket I just thought to myself “They needed this guy for NKOTB.” I mean, look at him! Eyebrows, jawline, vacant stare. He fits right in. Actually, he looks specifically a lot like Joey McIntyre, now that I think about it. And now that I think about it even harder, has anyone actually seen Joey McIntyre lately? In the same place as Scott MacIntyre???

Hmmm.

I’m still a little bit high on Paula’s use of the word “legato,” which is how she referred to Scott’s performance. Hang on a sec, let me get you the exact definition of “legato” as it pertains to vocal performance: “a string of sustained vowels with minimal interruption from consonants.” Ohhhh, Paula. I know now why you like this word. You get a similar definition when you look up the side effects of long-term Xanax abuse.

I’m hearing more information about the rumored “tell-all” that an American Idol ex-employee is writing. Here’s what the tipster is saying:

I was able to get a little more info for you regarding the new Idol employee tell all book. The medication/drug issues of Paula are going to discussed in detail and how she travels around the country during the auditions with at least 2 gallon size ziplock bags full of orange prescription bottles, as well as dozens of loose pills at the bottom of each bag.

Also how the producers of the show place “plants” during the audition process. These people have some sort of deal worked out with the show in which they avoid the audition process that everyone else must go through and instead they are ushered to the front of the line to register to audition for the judges. When they do this they are actually allowed to skip 2-3 rounds of auditions and go directly to the judging. Most of these “plants” are ushered by reps from 19 Management and/or major producers of the show.

And last but not least. The book is going to talk about how contestants are forced by the producers to sing certain songs during the weekly shows. If the producers do not like the way a certain contestant is singing a song or their song choice they will strong arm them into changing it. When they do this the producers usually make them sing an unknown or less popular song that the contestant does not feel comfortable singing and knows little about. The theory behind them doing is this is that they want to control the voting process and have certain contestants eliminated before others based on the voting at home. They feel that if contestants do a terrible job or sing a song that is not really known the public will vote them off.

The last two things are interesting, but really all I want to hear about is Paula’s drug problem. It fascinates me to no end. How have they not fired her?

Oooh, I hope this book does come out! And soon!

You know how Paula Abdul always appears completely whacked out of her mind on American Idol?  It can no longer be blamed on drugs.  Nope, the Paula you are watching this season is like a pile of fine Colombian-pure and unaltered.

In an OK! interview, Paula tells of the surgery she had this past summer that has changed her life:

For the first time in 12 years, I am pain free. I had my 15th surgery to correct my back and neck problems last August and it worked. Finally! I had a new doctor who tried a new procedure and because of that I’m a new woman. I may have to have one more surgery in the spring but after all this, I can handle it.

Not only is she pain-free, she’s (allegedly!) drug-free as well.  And her audience has noticed the difference (?):

Not only am I pain free, but I am pain-medication free. I weaned myself off everything I’d been taking. There were times in the last few years when I was at an American Idol taping and was in so much agony, I’d tell the guys I wasn’t sure I could do it. It’s great to know that viewers can see how much better I am now.

In addition, Paula feels that new judge Kara DioGuardi doesn’t fit in:  “Kara and I have known each other for years and we get along great.  But we tried four judges before and it doesn’t work. It takes up so much time for each of us to give our opinion that it slows down the pace of the show.”

This is the last year of Paula’s contract and she has indicated that she may be moving on.  Translation:  the one and only reason to watch American Idol is about to leave the building.

Albatross judge, Kara, released a statement, as if we’d expect anything else:  “Paula has a right to her opinions, but I was disappointed by her comments, and hurt that she did not address them to me in person.”

She also suggested a sing-off between the two.  Okay.  Not really.

So, the other night Paula Abdul hosted “An Evening With Jimmy Demers” in Hollywood.  Simon Cowell’s ex, Terri Seymour, was there to support.

When I looked at this picture, my initial question was, “Why does Paula Abdul have a man hand growing out of her shoulder?  And why is it cupping Terri’s tit?”  The entire awkward body and limb placement was almost enough to distract me from Paula’s massive camel toe.  Camel toe is too mild a phrase; she has an ass on her snatch.  An ass twat, if you will.  I almost overlooked Paula’s gargantuan ass twat.  I promise you though, I’ll never let that happen again.

This is some scary and very sad stuff!!!

A car with a dead woman inside found parked outside Paula Abdul’s house in Los Angeles on Tuesday night is registered to Paula Goodspeed, a former American Idol contestant and self-described “really big fan” of Abdul.

Police have not confirmed the identity of the woman – an apparent suicide victim – but suggested she was an infatuated fan of Abdul.

The woman’s car featured a license plate “ABL LV” and had a photo of Abdul hanging from the rear view mirror, according to Fox News video taken at the scene. A DMV check of the license showed that the car was registered to Goodspeed, 30.

“This has been ruled an apparent suicide,” said LAPD officer April Harding, “and the coroner’s office is now investigating. The body was found around 6 p.m. Tuesday.”

Apparently Paula’s audition was featured prominently in the show, and she was panned by judged.

I’m trying to find a YouTube clip, but no luck so far.

RIP, Paula Goodspeed.

Update: Here’s the video. Thanks to the commenter who tracked it down.

Paula Abdul just turned 46. Here she is leaving STK in Los Angeles last night (Note: don’t worry, she’s not driving).

To celebrate how about a lovely music video involving Ms. Abdul and a rapping cartoon cat? Ah yes, this takes me back.

Paula Abdul turns the tables on the paparazzi by — gasp! — taking photos of them.

Oh, Paula. Does your wit know no bounds?