Lindsay Lohan and Paula Abdul were canoodling last night at Richard Branson’s Rock the Kasbah party — oh who even cares where they were? — and seemed quite chatty.  Can you even imagine what a conversation between these two would sound like?

LL:  Hi, Paula.  I’m a really big fan.  I hope to attain your level of tolerance celebrity one day.

PA:  Linds!  Rock on!  You just *unintelligible slur* need to believe in yourself.  Don’t ever forget that!

LL:  I know.  I’m working too hard.  I’m a workaholic and now that I’m a designer, I just find the work so exhausting.  No rest is really making my *sniff* allergies act up.

PA:  Well … uh … you just gotta believe in *unintelligible slur* who you are and who you are is beautiful.  Don’t ever forget that!

Oh, Paula.

Is there anything sadder than this devastatingly un-funny send-up of the popular, successful, funny, sober woman who took your job? It’s just a bit of goodnatured ribbing with really poor timing, right? It doesn’t at all smack of bitterness.

Oh, Paula.

Paula Abdul has defended her decision to leave American Idol, claiming that the motivation to move on had nothing to do with money.  “I had to stand on my principle.  I’m going to miss the experience of watching young talent evolve into a place where they get to take off and soar.  I stand on principle where many people stand on money.  I’m a hard-working artist. I’ve lasted in this business for 23 years. And you can’t do that unless you are good at what you do.”

Let’s translate:  What she means to say is, “I had to stand on my principle.  I’m going to miss the experience of getting high on national television.  I stand on principle where many people, Kara DioGuardi for example, lay on their back.  I’m a hard-drugging artist.  I’ve lasted in this business for 23 years by a miracle of God.  And you can’t do that unless you know where to get the best painkillers.”  

Paula felt that her territory was invaded — there really was no reason to bring on a fourth judge — and she wasn’t willing to abdicate her Queen Quaalude title.  

As for what’s ahead, Paula is shooting a guest role on Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva and hopes to have a slur talk show.

Well it’s not a permanent job, but Paula Abdul has been tapped to emcee VH1’s Divas special on September 17th.  This comes on the heels of her surprising departure from American Idol.  It seems like an odd choice — “diva” is not a noun or adjective I would ever assign to Paula.  Of course, I wouldn’t call Jordin Sparks a diva either and she’s going to be singing.

Somewhere along the way the divas who demand all white furniture in their dressing rooms and Cristal on ice were replaced with some singing Girl Scout troop.  It’s disappointing, really.  What was VH1 thinking?

The news broke on Tuesday night that Paula Abdul won’t be returning to American Idol, and Wednesday the news outlets scrambled to capitalize on her departure. How many angles can you take? Well, Reuters has a piece on how the Idol ratings are going to continue to slip now that Paula’s gone. E! used it to address the issue of women’s compensation in Hollywood and later did a piece on Paula’s upcoming role in Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva. Not to be outdone, the AP has an interview with Simon Lythgoe regarding whether or not Idol can still be good without Paula (after much rambling, he says it can).

Over here on Evil Beet? We just want to know where we can tune in to play “How drunk is Paula”? Lythgoe says he’s considering her for a job on So You Think You Can Dance. That would give me the first reason to start watching that show. Wherever Paula’s live and on drugs, there you will find my television. (And, yes, that’s a 20-year-old picture of Paula above. I found it and I think it’s funny.)

I heard the news last night about Paula not returning to Idol.  I can’t figure out if I’m just in denial, but I just don’t fully believe that Paula isn’t returning.  It would be like removing the one remaining piece of entertainment from that show, and that doesn’t make sense.

Bonnie Fuller — she’s the exec who has worked at such publications as Us Weekly, Star, YM, Cosmo, and Marie Claire — Tweeted last night about Paula’s non-return to American Idol.  According to Fuller, and she helmed Star so we have to take this with a grain of salt, Paula did ink a contract with AI and Abdul’s Twitter boo-hooing (Twhining?) is all a publicity stunt.

So, I think we have to wait and see on this.  It’s entirely possible that Paula will come back in a week with a “We revisited negotiations and are happy to announce … ” Tweet.  Stay tuned.

UPDATE:  Well, that didn’t take long.  Fuller hit Twitter a few minutes ago to say that her sources felt the deal was done but Paula pulled out at the last minute.  Apparently a 30% raise wasn’t enough for Ms. Abdul.

I’m devastated. Just appalled. Apparently Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol because she could not reach a contract agreement with the producers. (Read: They were tired of having to babysit a wasted Paula on live television twice weekly.) I guess we all kind of saw this coming last year, when they brought Kara on board, and later when they were having contract difficulties, but something inside me believed that it would never really happen. I was wrong.

Paula tweeted about this national catastrophe:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all..Cont’d…

I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon.

What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me

I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch Idol without Paula. Half the fun of that show for me is playing the “How high is Paula?” game I invented. Oh Paula. Don’t leave me!