Here’s 10 minutes of your life you’re never going to get back. It’s Paris Hilton judging the Miss Turkey pageant.

Around 5:30 she attempts to belly dance. It’s one of the more awkward things I’ve come across this year. It’s like even Paris is like, “Dude, I am in no way qualified to do this. Please. Make it stop.” I mean, I don’t know much about the art of belly dancing, but I’m pretty sure this is a huge affront to it.

Like if America’s Next Top Model traveled to Turkey and they taught the girls to belly dance, and one of the girls did this shit on stage, the end result would undoubtedly be a lengthy lecture by the local expert on how she’s essentially urinated all over the Turkish culture and, were she not here with a CW production crew, would now do jail time.

I am sincerely proud to live in a society where there is no longer any such thing as fifteen minutes of fame.

In today’s media culture, once you’re awarded the fifteen minutes, you can have as many more as you want, and I think that’s fantastic. It makes everything so much more interesting.

Here’s Paris Hilton’s former boy-toy, Pizza Boy Alex Vaggo, leaving S Bar in Hollywood with an unidentified blonde hottie. Can anyone ID this girl? She looks familiar, but I can’t place her. Maybe she just looks like every other girl on the Strip, I dunno. But she’s cute and I like the way she dresses. I should make her famous. Bloggers can do that now, right? (Did everyone catch the MSNBC clip where Perez Hilton takes 100% of the credit for launching Amy Winehouse’s career? Yeah. This girl is my Amy Winehouse. Let’s find out who she is and I will personally see to it that she wins five Grammys next year. Someone have her call me.)

Why are the photo agencies still snapping pictures of this guy? He’s, like, 18 boyfriends ago for Paris.

I don’t know! But I LOVE it!

Congrats to Paris Hilton, who finally made good on her promise to play with orphans in Africa.

Paris visited the Jacaranda Children’s Home in South Africa, where she gave the children autographed head shots of herself in a sexy white bikini.

Really, Paris?

They need food, dear.

Paris Hilton actually landed in South Africa today with Benji Madden and the rest of Good Charlotte.

How long can this charade continue?

After all her nonsense talk about how she was going to go to Africa and help the starving orphans, Paris Hilton will finally be boarding a plane to the far-off continent.

But not to help the orphans.

She’s going on tour with Good Charlotte, starting in South Africa.

Says Benji: “I’d do anything she wanted. I’m a really easy guy to read. Everyone can tell I’m really happy. She’s the most supportive [girlfriend], even as a friend, so supportive of everything I’m doing. And I try to be the same way for her.”

Yeah, dude, you’re pussy-whipped, just like all of Paris’s guys. Paris won’t make it through the whole tour. “I’m just happy to be together, so no matter where we are, we’ll have a great time,” she says, but I guarantee that after a week or so on a tour bus that bitch is gonna catch the first flight back to LA.

Maybe she’ll manage to throw a piece of bread to a starving child while she’s there or something.

Knowing her frenemy Nicole Richie would be sporting her huge post-pregnancy tits at the DCMA store opening in LA, Paris Hilton broke out her Super Ultra Power Bra to attend the same event.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH ha ha ha ha ha.

What a fucking bitch.

Paris did a little press conference tonight for her new reality show, My New BFF, where I guess she’ll be on the hunt for young women who want to be her friend because they care about who she really is deep down inside, and obviously the best pool from which to choose such a person is the group of girls who volunteer to be on her ridiculous reality TV show. If Paris wants a friend who cares about who she really is, she needs to, like, go to Antarctica and befriend a penguin. Because no one else on earth is going to see her as anything but Paris Hilton Incorporated.

And speaking of people who know Paris deep down inside, she’s still tugging around little Benji Madden, and sporting that dumbass ring with his initials on it.

This is a stupid Paris Hilton romance. I like it better when she plucks super-hot nobodies out of obscurity and we can all just marvel at their toolishness and hotness for awhile, until she dumps them. Speaking of which, whatever happened to that Pizza Boy? Isn’t it about time he sells a tell-all? And then reports directly to my bedroom? I think yes.

Why, it’s Paris!

Well-played, my dear.