I read this story about Doug Reinhardt and Paris Hilton potentially having babies and it has left me with so many unanswered questions.  When two douches reproduce, what are their babies called?  Are they mini-Massengills?  Demi-douches?  Douchettes?  Victims?  Do you feed them with a douche bottle?  And, what do the parents use to carry the Pampers and Desitin?  Douche bags?

In Touch just needs to shut the fuck up and not even write these stories if they aren’t going to get the answers to the most obvious of questions that every reader must be asking themselves.  I really consider them to be the most irresponsible of journalists today.

Nicole’s longtime BFF, Paris Hilton, 28, may be joining the mom club now that she’s serious with The Hills’ Doug Reinhardt. “Paris would make a great mom — she’s my Angel Princess. I’d love to have some mini Parises one day,” Doug told In Touch at LA’s MyHouse on March 20. “I’d love to have children, that’s what completes your life,” added Paris. Doug, 23, is also a better fit than her ex Benji Madden. “She thought she could look past his tattoos and piercings, but Paris wants her children to have a clean-cut father,” says an insider. “And they’re crazy about each other.”

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves, don’t they?  Bird brain, birds of a feather, bird flu-those just seem too obvious.  I’m thinking something along the lines of, “Two cage dancers enjoy a day at the beach.”  Or, “Sonny Bono reincarnated as ornithologist.”

Question for you all:  Do you think she has her Paris Hilton purse with her because she’s trying to teach the parrot how to read her name instead of say it?  That would be ambitious.

Paris Hilton is wearing a large “D’ around her neck as she and fellow famewhore Douche Reinhardt parade their “true love” all over Hawaii.

We all know she’s not falling in love with this douchebag.

So what does the “D” stand for, in Paris’s mind?

Paris Hilton and Douche Reinhardt spent yesterday frolicking around Maui sucking face and posing pretty for the cameras.

I’m sure this is true love.

Just like Paris’s love with Benji Madden was the real thing.

So thank goodness her new boyfriend, Douche Reinhardt, got her a baby teacup Pomeranian for her 28th birthday, in addition to a bunch of other shit she’ll just end up dumping on the household help.

“He probably got me more presents than any guy ever,” she said in Las Vegas before a belated birthday celebration Saturday at the Hard Rock Hotel’s Body English. “He’s sweet.”

That’s right, Paris. The older you get, the more men just naturally assume your affections are something to be bought. You’ve grown into that “I’m kind of a whore” vibe so effortlessly.

Anyway, Paris and Doug sucked face all over Vegas this weekend in celebration of P-Dog getting a full year less relevant. Here are some pics from her most recent party, at Body English at the Hard Rock. Ya know what’s funny? Back in the day, a Paris Hilton birthday party would have more A-list celebs in attendance than Paris could count on her labia folds. But this weekend? Pretty much just Paris and The Douche. Que triste!

What else would you call a man willing to risk what could be a fiery case of the herpes and Reverse Wonky-eye-itis* just to be marginally famous?

You can practically see Reinhardt talking himself through this photo session. “Yeah, nice nice. Flex the pecs! FLEX. THE. PECS. God, you’re so hawt right now!” Usually Paris is the one shamelessly giving the camera her ‘O’ face, but Dougie saw a chance and took it!

Looking at these pics, I can’t shake the feeling that Doug’s at an audtion that nobody else knows about.

(* Reverse Wonky-eye-itis is when you try so hard to make eye contact with a wonky-eyed person that your eyes get screwed up. )

Awww, how sweet.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, The Hills star Douche Doug Reinhardt, partied it up in WeHo last night, attending Whitney Port’s birthday party and then sucking face in the car afterward.

These two deserve each other!

Meanwhile, The Hills producer Liz Gateley is confirming that Lauren Conrad is leaving the show after season five, but she says they’re working on ways to continue production without her.

Could Paris and Doug be the new main characters? I really can’t decide if that would be more or less nauseating than Heidi and Spencer.