Oh so sad. Brittany Flickinger, who won the first season of Paris Hilton’s stupid BFF show, was kissing random dudes outside Katsuya last night for the paparazzi. Someone must have tipped her off that Jay-Z and Rihanna would be there. I think Paris Hilton’s contractual obligation to be seen with her has ended. Now Brittany’s pursuing the spotlight on her own, with only a really tacky dress to help her out.

I often wonder if the people at RadarOnline are just nuts-because who really lives their life like this- but then I remember it’s Paris and read on.  They are reporting that a huge brawl broke out over…Paris’ rack.  And again, I felt the same feeling I experience multiple times every day and thought to myself, “Wait-didn’t I write this already?”  And I did.

So, yeah, some dude grabbed Paris’ rack, bottle throwing and general melee-like activity ensued while Paris danced on a table to her own song, Stars are Blind.  Why does Paris’ life so frequently sound like a 30 Rock episode?

In an ongoing attempt to keep the Swine flu contained, all parties that had physical contact with Hilton received massive doses of antibiotics as a preventative measure.  Okay, that last part is a lie.

Here’s RadarOnline’s version of how the events unfolded:

In one of the wildest scenes we’ve seen in a long, long time, Paris Hilton and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt were at the center of brawl early Tuesday morning in the club h.wood in Los Angeles.

A little after 1 a.m., while Paris and Doug were dancing a man came up to Paris and grabbed her chest, eyewitnesses told RadarOnline.com. Doug immediately pushed the guy away, but the groper’s pal then threw a beer bottle at Doug’s head. (He missed.)

The club’s promoter grabbed the bottle thrower and put him in a headlock. At the same time, in all the chaos, someone pushed Paris, who fell into a group of people. Those people converged around Paris to keep her safe from the fighting.

Meanwhile, Doug was punching the bottle thrower, who was still in a headlock and they ended up on the floor together. The guy who started it all by grabbing Paris’ chest joined in and was punching Doug.

Pretty good celebrity brawl so far, right? Wait, there’s more!

Frankie Delgado jumped into the action (literally jumping over people), and kicked the fight-starting, boob-grabber in the head. People were screaming in fear. (Ok, ok, that was us. But we heard other people screaming too!)

Club security rushed over but the fight continued even as they tried to break it up. Lotsa fighters got tossed from the club when it was all sorted out.

And in typical bizarre Hollywood fashion, as the fight was going on, the DJ put on “Stars Are Blind.” Yup, that’s the song by Paris. And while her boyfriend was out there trying to kick butt and protect her honor, she got up on a table and started dancing to her own song!

Paris Hilton, in her new set of ads for Guess by Marciano. (More pics from the shoot in the thumbnails.)

Paris Hilton and Douche Reinhardt got straight to texting after they landed at Schipol Airport in Amsterdam today. Don’t worry, he took time out later on to hold her hands for the photogs. I’m not entirely sure what Paris is doing in Amsterdam, but I’m confident that she won’t be smoking weed. After all, Paris Hilton doesn’t do drugs. Ever.

I’ve publicly expressed my theory that Paris Hitlon is a “human” who is slowly but surely turning into a robot– further evidence of which can be found here and here. But I think I might have been a bit off in that accusation. She might be a robot that is slowly but surely turning into a human.

Here, we see Paris at this Friday’s launch of the new JC Penney clothing line I <3 Ronson, sporting her new hand, stolen from the grave of a 60-year-old British man and attached to her metal endoskeleton by an android necromancer. I like how they used a lovely lucite wrist-coupling to cover up the skin-weld marks. Cute!

That JC Penney party has turned out to be a regular goldmine for gossip-worthy snark. Who knew? I’ve never thought that any publicity is good publicity, but I’m actually considering popping into a JC Penney for the first time in years, just to check out this clothing line. I should be very, very ashamed of myself.

Paris Hilton sports some fancy duds for a photo shoot in LA.

I was happy to see the Daily Paris posts go.  And don’t worry, Klipper.  Employing a sophisticated and secret mixture of voodoo, herbs and electro-shock therapy, I’m trying to use mind control on Beet to call a moratorium on Daily Lohan, too.  Though I suspect that won’t happen until Lindsay gets clean-and by “clean” I mean “showered.”  So, you know, never.

But back to the above-pictured one hundred and seven pound waste of space.  Can someone please explain to me what she was doing in this get-up yesterday in Santa Monica?

I’m thinking a cameo in a “Whip It” video remake?  Or perhaps she’s trying to catch Kanye West’s attention.  Maybe she was meeting Doug Reinhardt’s parents for the first time.  Thoughts?