I’m sorry to start off your Monday Tuesday (it’s been a long weekend) morning in such a jarring fashion, but what was that huge, blinding atrocity seen on Paris Hilton’s unmanicured digit last night in Cannes?  No, I’m not referring to the herpes lesion.  We need to discuss the ring.  Does this mean that Paris and Doug Reinhardt are engaged?  Might Paris actually have found her soulless mate?

It’s clear that Paris’ attention is held by sparkly things — how else could we explain the dress? — so I’d say we’ve got six months before the inevitable and dramatic break up happens.  Though last month when asked about their future, Doug replied ”You never know,” and Paris replied “He’s going to be my husband.”  Maybe she was right.

The director here is Adria Petty, Tom Petty’s daughter. She made a documentary about the “truth” behind the myth of Paris Hilton.

Personally, I’m bored by the “this isn’t what I wanted, I wanted to be Princess Diana, my life is so sad” business. Paris Hilton has a lot to be grateful for and she ought to shut up and be grateful for it. But I’m fascinated by the glimpse of the early childhood videos of her. I hope there’s a lot of that in the actual documentary, which was bought by MTV and should air sometime this year. It’s interesting to watch her mother teach a 10-year-old Paris how to look blankly into the camera. I wonder how much of a behind-the-scenes role her mother played in her fame early on.

Don’t mess with rich people, yo!

Paris Hilton’s been spending an awful lot of time at the Hollywood Hills home of her new boyfriend, Douche Reinhardt. And it’s been a typical Paris scene — loud parties, police getting called, paparazzi everywhere. Doug’s neighbors are SO over this, and they’re offering Doug’s landlord big bucks to give him the boot:

We’ve learned the neighbor (who we have been asked not to ID) has written a letter to the landlord of the place Paris and her BF Doug Reinhardt are living in — offering to pay the landlord $5,000 a month more than he’s getting now … if he gives Paris and Doug the boot.

The neighbor says Hiltie is ruining his life. She’s lived there a grand total of 5 days … already cops have been called twice because of loud parties, screaming and yelling, and vandalism.

The house in the Hollywood Hills had been listed at $22,000 a month. So the neighbor is willing to give the landlord $27,000 a month if Paris goes away.

And get this … we’re told the neighbor complained to Doug yesterday about all the ruckus since Paris moved in. Doug said, “This is what you have to expect because Paris and I are public figures.”

Does anyone else find it wildly amusing that someone would pay $22K a month to RENT a house? I mean, do you know what kind of house you could BUY for that kind of money? Even in LA? And it’s not like Doug’s living in LA temporarily — he knows he’s there for the long haul. So why rent at that price? I don’t care how rich you are, that’s just poor financial decision-making.

Anyway. Paris and Doug aren’t even home right now. They’re in Cannes, living it up and bothering the French neighbors.

Last night was the T-Mobile Sidekick LX launch party.  Does anyone remember when cell phones were car phones that were permanently hardwired into your vehicle?  Or when mobile phones consisted of the one Motorola StarTAC model that was grey with an orange LED display and weighed a lofty four pounds?  Now phones get “launches” complete with concerts to announce their arrival.

Speaking of nostalgia, I was looking at the pictures of who showed up for this shindig and something struck me.  Paris Hilton has touched the life of just about everyone in Hollywood.  Think I’m kidding?  Read on:

Paris was there with Doug Reinhardt.

Amanda Bynes was there.  She used to date Doug.

Kelly Osbourne was there.  She has publicly credited Paris for helping her achieve her first alcohol poisoning.

Ashlee Simpson was there with Pete Wentz.  When Nick Carter was dating Paris, he cheated on her with Ashlee Simpson.

Adrian Grenier was there.  He briefly slept with dated Paris a couple years back.

Kim Kardashian was there.  Paris insulted her former BFF”s ass on a radio station calling it “cottage cheese inside a trash bag.”

DJ AM was there.  He used to be engaged to Nicole Richie-Paris’ other former BFF.

Pink was there with her sorta kinda ex-husband Carey Hart.  Pink has spoken publicly about how she thinks Paris is a loser.  She also featured Hilton in the “Stupid Girls” song and video.

Nicky Hilton was there.  She stayed in the same uterus Paris stayed in when they were gestating.

Anna Faris was there.  Faris rhymes with Paris.

Moral of the day?  All roads (and STDs) lead back to Paris Hilton.

“[I would] definitely try to make peace with the countries we are fighting.  I’d go over to them and throw a party, so they could all get together and get along and stop the war.”

Paris Hilton’s proposed peace plan to end the war as mentioned in Tatler magazine.

Wait.  Wasn’t that the final scene in Footloose?

Did you know that Paris Hilton was a producer on a movie?  Yeah, she didn’t either and now she’s being sued for eight million dollars for failing to do promotion of the film Pledge This.  And if you’ve ever found yourself defending Paris or thinking that the stupidity persona is just an act, read on:

The 28-year-old heiress … was asked by lawyers during a pre-trial hearing in Miami Thursday if she keeps a diary for business meetings. “I just press my name and Google it and see,” she told the court. Asked by lawyers about her calls from the producers, she testified: “With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time. I probably get a new cellphone, like, every two weeks.”

When shown a copy of her cell phone bill, she replied: “I’ve never seen a phone bill of mine in my life.” Asked what her responsibilities as the film’s executive producer, Hilton told the court, “I’m not sure what a producer does, but – I don’t know, help get cool people in the cast?”

Hilton, who also revealed that she earns $11 million a year, claims she adequately honored her deal to promote the film. “Any chance I got, any red carpet, any press, if I was doing something for another product…I would just bring it up, ‘Oh, my new sorority film, it’s going to be sexy, it’s going to be really hot girls,’” she testified. “Like, I really, you know, did my best.”

A lawyer for Hilton added that the investors made unreasonable and last-minute demands for publicity events because the heiress’ schedule is always fully booked. Said attorney Michael Weinstein: “She’s the single busiest person on the planet.” A trial is scheduled to begin in June.

Why does a trial need to be scheduled for June.  Based on the transcript of the deposition, can’t we find Paris guilty of being the dumbest person on the planet and go right to the sentencing phase?  You know, no Chanel or small dogs for thirty days.  Too harsh?

Paris and Douche Reinhardt are having a lover’s getaway on some secret island where the paps can’t find them — but that didn’t stop me from tracking down some pictures of her and Doug sucking face all over the island. We get it, Paris. You guys are in love, and it’s the real thing. Just like it was the real thing with Benji. That relationship was going to last forever. Just like this one is, dear.