In today’s episode of the Anna Nicole is Functionally Retarded Show, we learn that Anna previously tried to convince a wealthy paramour, G. Ben Thompson, that he was the father of her newborn girl. The only hitch in the plan? Thompson had a vasectomy years earlier. Has anybody explained to this woman that there are magical science machines that can determine definitively who a child’s father is? [Fametastic]

Isaiah Washington was supposed to appear on Ellen Wednesday to clear up the allegations that he’s a violent, homophobic jackass, but he canceled at the last minute, citing a change in production schedule. Grey’s less controversial star Katherine Heigl was sent in to diffuse the situation instead. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Not to be outdone by TMZ’s scoop on his birth certificate, X17’s crew hid in the bushes outside the Spears-Federline household for an unspecified amount of time, and now they have video of Jayden James Federline. [CelebSlam]

Entourage creator Doug Ellin has a similarly styled show about Wall Street types in the works. Because i-bankers really are like the movie stars of the east coast, just a little more self-centered and detached from reality. [BankersBall]

Not only has Lindsay Lohan heard of Dick Van Dyke, she also doesn’t think he did a very good job with that whole Mary Poppins project. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Pay attention, because I will probably never write these words again, but Paris Hilton actually looks really good in French Vogue. [Teddy and Moo]

Lest you think I have any shame, here are pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man loaf. Don’t worry, he’s wearing pants. He just should have also worn underwear. [A Socialite's Life]

Ever want to know more about the music you hear on television and movies? Drake Lelane’s blog covers the soundtrack of your life (because, if you’re like me, television and movies are your life). Check out what you heard on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy. [thus spake drake]

You can get Paris Hilton for $100,000 plus a private jet or Carmen Electra for the bargain price of $50,000. Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra’s people have been snooping around looking for hot parties for these “stars” to show up at. They are looking for venues in Miami, New York or Los Angeles. I’m not sure what this really includes. Do you get a free lapdance? Will they wow the crowd with their musical talents?

I really would go with Carmen because Paris doesn’t have a very good track record for showing up to events. When they opened Club Paris in Ontario she was 6 hours late to the party. 6 hours late? Carmen seems like more fun anyway. Part of me really hopes that one of them ends up at a New Year’s Eve Bar Mitzvah.

That’s hot.

I can’t hate you anymore. I can no longer despise your desperate and embarrassing pleas for attention and publicity. It takes too much energy. So I’ve decided to embrace you, and all the glorious Paris Hilton shit-talking that comes along with you.

The latest stop on Nick’s “Fuck Paris Hilton/Watch My TV Show” tour is Britain’s News of the World, where Carter states that Paris “was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drugs and drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out.”

He accuses Hilton of smuggling drugs overseas, stating that “if she was going overseas, she’d cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences.”

Continues Carter: “The only thing that made her happy was her own reflection. She spends so much time looking at herself in the mirror telling herself how gorgeous she is.”

Keep it up, Nick. We’re digging it now.

I am one of the many people that is over Paris Hilton. I think she is ugly, bowlegged, and a symbol of everything that is wrong with celebrity. The strange thing is that, as much as people dislike Paris, she won’t go away.

If I was a paparazzi photographer I would ostensibly not take her picture to make her mad. Well, until I realized that a picture of a drunk whoring Paris Hilton could make me enough money to feed a small African nation.

Because Paris won’t go away, many have taken to hating her overtly. I introduce you to the Paris Hilton Hatelisting.

Enjoy.

At what point did People magazine get the monopoly on celebrity coming-out stories? Anyway, meet McGay. [Pop on the Pop]

Prince Harry’s new girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, wonders aloud if woolly mammoths are extinct. Their season of Newlyweds is going to rock so hard. [CelebSlam]

The photo shoot theme for this week’s ANTM was “celebrity couples.” Demonstrating the level of taste and subtelty we have come to associate so inextricably with the weekly, hour-long pitch for Tyra Banks’ surely forthcoming magazine, the girl who came out as a lesbian the day before was asked to be — I’m serious — Ellen and Portia di Rossi. [MollyGood]

Nicole Richie prefers to spend her time in restaurants getting laid in the bathroom, mostly because it’s the farthest she can get from the food. [Cele|Bitchy]

Nicky Hilton kicks off publicity for her fashion-centric Miami hotel, Nicky O, with — what else? — full frontal male nudity. There is a joke here to illustrate that nudity has very little to do with fashion, but I am too distracted by penises to think of it. [The Superficial]

Sofia Coppola is expecting a baby girl in December. With any luck, she won’t cast the kid in Lost in Translation 3. [Celebrity Baby Blog]

Paris Hilton avoids the premiere of her new movie, National Lampoon’s Pledge This, because she doesn’t want to be associated with a film that will likely go straight to video. She really could have made that decision much earlier, like when they cast Simon Rex and Randy Spelling. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

I was poking around TMZ and I found this photo of Paris buying her little dog a mountain worth of tacky dog stuff. It looks like she is actually buying a little dog bag with another dog already in it. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I guess fake dogs are much easier to carry around.

So I remember a while back Paris Hilton used to tote her Chihuahua everywhere. Well, that was until she left it at her grandparent’s house and forgot about it. After that little escapade she also got herself some more little rat dogs (according to reports, Tinkerbell “got too big” to tote around so she needed another accessory), a monkey, and a ferret.

Someone needs to take her Michael Jackson-eque harem of animals away from her pronto. Isn’t she too busy banging Greek shipping heirs to feed them?

Disclaimer: I am the owner of a Maltipoo…yes, like Jessica Simpson. She does own some clothing, yet I still am able to actively hate Paris Hilton.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe get into a little tiff at the Flags of Our Fathers screening in NYC. Ryan claims Reese is embarrassing him, mostly because her jaw is overshadowing his career. [Cityrag]

Victoria Beckham has been offered the hosting gig on Simon Fuller’s new fashion-centric reality show. She may turn it down, since the show films in the U.S., and she knows that if she leaves hubby David’s side for more than a minute, some hottie’s going to steal him away. Like Paris Hilton. Or Tom Cruise. [Hollyscoop]

Rod Stewart thought Paris Hilton was a hot piece of ass. When she was fourteen. [Yeeah!]

Whitney officially kicks the Bobby habit. [People]

It’s not so much that Christina Aguilera’s hubby is smoking a joint, it’s that he’s wearing a bike helmet at the same time. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Catherine Zeta-Jones acts pissed that husband Michael Douglas said Eva Longoria has a great ass, as a part of their joint effort to convince the world he’s managed an erection at any point this decade. [ICYDK]

Matt Damon reaches out to African children without managing to adopt one. [PopSugar]