We have a nation of people ignorant enough to think the marriage of a same-sex couple will somehow hurt existing children, who applaud the terrorist murder of a man who performed a medical procedure protected by our country’s laws, who were all-too-easily convinced by an army of mortgage brokers that they could magically buy twice the house they could reasonably afford, and, in the coup de grace, our young women are getting Paris Hilton’s autograph tattoed on their wrists.

From Paris’s Twitter: “So Sweet – One of my fans got the autograph I put on her wrist tattooed. Loves it! :) You Rock Girl”

Um, no. You don’t rock, girl. You are a part of the problem.

Ummmm I think I speak for all of us when I say “WHERE THE HELL IS LINDSAY LOHAN???”

Pictures of the starlet have been exceedingly rare these days. It’s really, really starting to bother me. I look forward every day to the new pics of Lindsay and/or Samantha, and it’s been depressing lately when I check the photo agencies and all they have is pics of Paris and Douche. Seriously, I’m sparing you guys from the worst of it. There are like 500 new pics of these two every single day now. It’s nauseating. They’re currently in NYC promoting Paris’s latest BFF show. Paris filmed Letterman today. I’m sure it was fascinating.

COME BACK LINDSAY!!!!!!

“I don’t really mean everything I say, because I’m not totally that airhead.”  That was Paris Hilton’s unintentionally ironic answer to E!’s question, “You said on the show that you don’t want to get married.  Is that true?”

Yes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:  Season two of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF!  It premieres tomorrow night on MTV and this installment will feature guest appearances by Kathy Griffin and Lil’ Kim as well as stripper pole challenges.

Paris also cooed that Doug is her real-life BFF because he’s talented – he’s a producer on the Dubai version (because it’s very critical that Paris have BFFs in every major country) — and he buys her presents “all the time.”  A hanger-on who buys her stuff with the money he earns from the job he’d never have if he wasn’t sleeping with her.  He sounds like a dream, really.

In their continuing practice of being as offensive as possible, Paris and her boyfriend tried having sex in a bathroom this weekend which resulted in them getting kicked off a yacht.

It all started when Elton John’s husband, David Furnish invited Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt to a party being held on a friend’s yacht.  That act alone shows some serious bad judgment on the part of Furnish but it pales in comparison to the trashtastic duo.  The couple arrived and were immediately inappropriate.  Like every other public appearance they make, they immediately started making out, groping each other and sticking their tongues down each other’s throats.

That just wasn’t enough attention whoring.  They proceeded downstairs to a bathroom where things escalated before they were interrupted.  The captain was informed of what was going on and had them kicked off the still docked ship.  Yes!

In fairness to Paris, she’s a simple thing.  She was on a boat, saw a door that had a sign on it that read “head” and obediently proceeded.  She’s really not to blame.

And now comes the point in the evening where I take a break from playing Punch Out to look at pictures of celebrities in expensive, but not always beautiful clothing.

Several celebs turned out for the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS Dinner held as part of the Cannes Film Festival. I wish I were the kind of person who opts not to say snarky things about celebrities when they’re actually doing something good and magnanimous, if not exactly altruistic. But let’s be realistic here– if I were that kind of person, I wouldn’t be writing for this blog.

While there were some attractive, well-appointed attendees– Claudia Schiffer looked adorable and Robert Pattinson actually managed to look alluring, not creepy– there were just as many couture trainwrecks.

Diane Kruger fell into one of those giant layer cakes that strippers pop out of and liked the feeling of buttercream between her tits so much that she decided to cover it in fabric and wear it to dinner. Zoe Saldana, who plays Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, couldn’t find a suitable dress, so she cut the tops off of several pairs of extra extra large nude pantyhose, draped them around her shoulders, tied them in a knot, and hoped no one would notice.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton showed up wearing something that looked like a tinfoil cupcake wrapper mated with the seashell themed accessories decorating your Aunt Dee-Dee’s bathroom. She then proceeded to spread her legs and lean at awkward, 70 degree angles– either because she was posing for photos or because someone was holding a limbo contest just off camera.

In all seriousness, amfAR is a worthy cause, and I’m glad that these celebs took time out of their busy schedules of partying and wearing fancy dresses to party and wear fancy dresses for a cause. I just question the choice of fancy dresses.

Paris Hilton has lost her mind Blackberry.  According to Daily Mail, Paris spent last night stumbling around Cannes in search of the wayward phone.  She told a DM reporter, “It’s the worst thing that could have happened. It has all my contacts in it and the last thing I want is for it to fall into the wrong hands.”  It’s funny because that’s exactly what I do want to happen.  I can’t wait until its content is sold to the tabloids.  I fully expect many “Your prescription is ready” emails.

Can you imagine how thrilled all her “friends” must be?  In 2005 her Blackberry was hacked and personal information was obtained from tons of celebs that were in Paris’ address book.  I think Paris needs one of those Firefly phones that stores about four numbers — she can’t handle anything more sophisticated.

Speaking of sophisticated, since I ruined everyone’s appetite yesterday with this, click here if you’ve got some masochistic urge to see what Paris and Doug look like when they’re having sex.

Here’s Paris and Doug Reinhardt sucking face around Cannes.  I was thinking of a caption something like “When two douches collide,” but I welcome suggestions.