“Lindsay and Paris hate not being on the covers of weeklies.  That’s why Lindsay has been causing so much havoc and pulling these antics. And why Paris had a big blow- up with Doug [Reinhardt].”

An unnamed source discussing Paris’ and Lindsay’s displeasure with the fame whores better known as the Gosselin family.

I don’t know what troubles me the most about this video of Paris Hilton giving all her “fans” the grand tour of her closet — a space so vast that it could easily house about sixty Slumdog Millionaire child actors.

For one thing, I hate when grown women — women with careers and means of their own — get on video and start talking like little girls.  What is with that cutesy babydoll, head tilt thing so many women do?  It’s 2009 ladies!

Secondly, it frightens me that Paris is a self-proclaimed fashion designer and didn’t know that “this…uh…pattern,” is called ” uh…houndstooth.” 

Other than that, the vid is a fairly entertaining view of excess personified.  When a celebrity has a four-drawer tights dresser, it might be time to pare down. 

Oh, and if you can handle the seven “a lot” references that occur in the first couple minutes, it’s pretty priceless to see her talk about her “Oscar of the fragrance world” at 2:47.

… and it’s not Paris.

This post was originally titled “Cristiano Ronaldo Snogs a Skank in Las Vegas.” But the picture is a little grainy, so I can’t actually tell if he’s kissing this girl, or smelling her breath, or about to punch her in the face.

Could he be cheating on Paris? Is it possible to cheat on something that has had more penises in it than the bathroom at an all-boys preparatory school?

Contradicting reports that the douche is devastated and begging Paris to take him back, Doug Reinhardt has released a statement that I’m sure is completely true and is in no way a sad attempt to mollify his painfully damaged douche pride.

“Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris
and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck.” Guess he doesn’t think Ronaldo will be “The One?” And to add to it all, sources close to Doug told us, “Contrary to reports, Paris is begging him to take her back, she made a mistake and loves him 100%.”

100% minus the 70% that has had Ronoldo’s dick implanted in it over the last few days. Because we all know Paris Hilton is 70% vagina. I’m not sure what the other 30% is.

Expect to see more statements like this, followed by outlandish claims about all the chicks he’s supposedly banged, the size of his schlong, and lots and lots of Jager bombs.

This has to be a publicity stunt.  For the past few nights since her tragic breakup, Paris Hilton has been seen in various nightclubshanging out with Cristiano Ronoldo — he’s some hot soccer player — and there have been reports of them heading to Nicky Hilton’s home afterwards.  She cannot already have a new boyfriend.  There must be a 48-hour-waiting period between penises.  It’s a rule.

Here’s Paris with her sister, stumbling around outside MyHouse in Los Angeles last night.

I hope Paris finds “the one.”  You know, the guy that can accept her, genital warts and all.  (I take no credit for that.  Those words came directly out of the mouth of — gasp!– my mother.  You see where I get it from.) 

Oh you guys. It’s been a crappy day. It’s been a crappy week and a crappy couple of months. But, for a brief shining moment in time, my life is happy. Why, you ask? Because Douche Reinhardt finally got his comeuppance — he was unceremoniously dumped by the reigning queen of unceremonious dumping, Paris Hilton.

“In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy,” a rep for Hilton says.

Ummmm whatever. Sources say that Douche is DEVASTATED and begging Paris to take him back. No way, Jose! When will you boys learn? Paris is “so in love” for six months, tops. Then she’s over it. It’s no longer hot. Or huge. Or whatever it is she’s calling it these days. YOU ARE NEVER THE EXCEPTION, BOYS!

Seriously though this happened fast. It was just a couple days ago that Doug was answering questions for Paris on the red carpet. I knew she wouldn’t stand for that for long. NEVER attempt to steal Paris Hilton’s spotlight. She will have her revenge!

So long, Douchie. We won’t miss you. Good luck trying to get Amanda Bynes to take you back … or even The Hills.

WTF? Where does the time go?

It seems like just yesterday Douche Reinhardt was running around town with Amanda Bynes, but in a recent interview with E! he talked about celebrating his six-month anniversary with Paris. Actually, he talked about damn near everything for Paris. You can watch the interview here (it’s not embeddable — come on, E!), and it basically consists of the interviewer trying desperately to get Paris — the actual famous person here — to talk, but she just defers to Douche most of the time. Oh, and then the interviewer asks if Paris is still friends with Kim Kardashian, and Paris shifts around awkwardly as Doug says “no comment.” I’m with Paris on that one. Wendie totally broke our site-wide ban on the dreaded Kim earlier. I’m letting this one slide, Wendie, but next time it happens you’re doing 200 words on why Jenny McCarthy is right about everything.

Also weird? The interview was conducted at the LA premiere of Simon Rex’s new “mockumentary” Rex last night. Uhhhh … does anyone else remember how Paris Hilton and Simon Rex used to suck face all over town whenever one of them was single? Does Douche remember that? Awwwwkward.