I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

Our favorite heiress has been staying out of trouble lately. Is it possible she’s growing up? She still managed to attract some photogs when she hit up Fred Segal in WeHo on Monday. Although these are WireImage photos — not typical stalkerazzi — which leads me to believe she invited the photogs, rather than was followed by them.

“I think she’s absolutely wonderful. I really like her, genuinely. So, there’s that. Just genuine human-to-human appreciation. But she also has a very unique experience that I’m curious about. It’s an experience she’s been intertwined with for many years. Well beyond the many years I’ve had to experience this sort of celebrity situation. So, you know, we’re sort of helping each other out. We’re sort of mutual mentors. We’re not [dating]. We’re just friends. But there’s always a world of possibility!”

Adrian Grenier, on Paris Hilton, talking to E!’s Kristin Veitch at the Emmys.

WTF is going on here???

Paris Hilton was spotted scaling the gate of her parents’ Bel Air mansion on Sunday night, at 3 a.m., while a friend held her shoes.

Is this a skill she picked up in jail? I mean, we all know that Paris knows how to climb up on a pole, but a gate? There’s just no end to this girl’s talents.

Paris parties it up with 50 Cent at TAO in Las Vegas. Everyone’s there in preparation for the VMAs … including Britney Spears, who was at the same club with BFF Alli Sims. No report of a catfight yet, but no pics of the two of them together. And what the hell is Britney doing out last night? Her big comeback performance at the VMAs is today. Shouldn’t she be resting?? Come on, Brit!!!

Paris hit up Les Deux and Opera on Friday night with a new gal pal.

The next Kim Kardashian, perhaps?

Frankly, I can get behind any chick with a cross around her neck and a cigarette in her hand.

Anyone recognize this knock-out?

The on-going feud between Paris Hilton and Zeta Graff, the ex-girlfriend of Paris Latsis (who is Paris Hilton’s former fiance … are you following all this?) will have to continue outside of a courtroom. Paris decided to settle Graff’s lawsuit against her just as the trial was getting started.

Just a day before jury selection was scheduled to begin in diamond diva Zeta Graff’s much-anticipated defamation suit against the hotel heiress, Paris forked up enough cash to settle the case. Sources pegged the damage at north of $2 million. In the suit, Graff alleged that Hilton planted a story on Page Six two years ago which falsely claimed a jealous Graff - the ex-girlfriend of Paris Latsis - had ripped a necklace off Hilton’s neck and been thrown out of London nightclub Kabaret, while Barry Manilow’s “Copacabana” played mockingly in the background. Graff’s lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said, “Both parties are glad the matter could be resolved without the time and expense of a trial.”

In what is perhaps the funniest part of this whole story, the Page Six article continues with the following: “We at Page Six are just glad the matter was resolved without our editor being forced to recite the lyrics of Manilow’s hit song in court, as he did in a deposition.”

Now there’s a video I hope ends up on YouTube.

Grrr.

I really thought you were better than this, Adrian Grenier.

The man I thought I loved is totally dating Paris Hilton.

They went to the movies yesterday.

I hate this.

Go back to jail, bitch.

Photo credit: Buzz Foto