Here’s a sampler of some songs that you’ll find on Paris Hilton’s newest CD. Who can resist songs with names such as “Platinum Blonde,” “Girl Tax,” and “Jailhouse Baby”?  Clearly an autobiographical project.

Now, I consider myself fairly adept at Internet research, but I can’t find a release date for this gem.  Of course, that could be because I can only handle small doses of Paris Hilton links in general.  I know she was struggling to find a record label who would pick up her sophomore (sophomoric?) effort.  Did this happen?

If you’re anything like me, you wake up every morning lately, scan the news headlines, and ask yourself, “Why isn’t Paris Hilton’s name anywhere on here?” Paris has been laying conspicuously low these days, and now perhaps we know why: She’s reconciled with Douche Reinhardt, and she’s probably a little embarrassed about it. I mean, there were practically parades in the streets when they split — everyone hates that guy — but apparently Paris has had trouble finding another Z-lister to worship at her feet.

“They are definitely happy again,” a source tells Us Weekly.

On Monday, The Douche posted on Twitter: “What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!” The day before that, he wrote: “Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl.”

Oh, Paris. You’re just gonna break the poor guy’s heart again. And, frankly, you’re breaking mine — do we really need this guy in the spotlight again? JON GOSSELIN IS SINGLE. Please, Paris. I’ve never asked you for anything before. I’ve watched you find some way to insert yourself into the media topic du jour for years and years. And yet all I want in the whole world is for you to get involved with the Jon Gosselin story, and instead you head back to Douche, when you could be front-page headlines for weeks if you’d just spend one night hanging on Jon Gosselin. Stop acting so damn grown-up, Paris. It’s not like you.

Oh, man. This is exactly what I was dreading. Pretty much since Paris Jackson was born, I was all like, “Please God, say she wasn’t named after Paris Hilton?”

But no.

Paris spent Wednesday night at the LA premiere of her new MTV documentary, Paris Not France, and had this to say to the reporter from Extra:

“My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13,” Paris explains. “So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she’s such a beautiful little girl and I’m proud we have the same name.”

Oh, and for what it’s worth, the only celebs at this premiere were Paris, Nicky and the Hilton ‘rents. Not sure if that’s ‘cuz no one else was invited or ‘cuz no one else came, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Chief U.S. District Judge Federico Moreno: What does that mean?

Paris Hilton: Paris Hilton’s My New Best Friend Forever

Chief U.S. District Judge Federico Moreno: This will be my best case forever.

Paris Hilton: You’re my best judge forever.

Yes, this is a conversation that actually took place in a courtroom. Paris Hilton was defending herself against an $8 million lawsuit’s claim that she didn’t do her part to promote the 2006 box-office bomb Pledge This! I guess her new show’s title came up, and it confused the judge.

Basically, when you read the whole article about her testimony, it sounds like the judge was flirting with her and she was flirting right back. She wore six-inch stiletto heels to the courtroom and “amused the judge with a little wave on the way to the witness stand.”

Damn. If I were the prosecution, I’d ask for a mistrial.

Paris Hilton appeared in a Miami courtroom yesterday to testify in a civil lawsuit that was filed against her by the investors of the movie Pledge This.  They claim that Paris didn’t do enough to promote the pic — she was the executive producer even though she was unaware of what that meant – and are seeking $8M.

Didn’t the court reporter do a great rendering of our gal Paris?  More actual pics in the gallery of Paris working it in the court’s parking lot.

First off, if you’re not watching My Life on the D-List, you’re missing out on one of the best shows on TV. Kathy Griffin is a comedic genius, just hands-down hilarious. In last night’s episode, she was trying to expand her fan base by getting in with “young Hollywood,” and, to do that, she went shopping with Paris Hilton.

This was all going reasonably well, with Paris being no more obnoxious than the absolute minimum we can expect from her (”Sorry, I just like to pose while I stand”), when Paris decides, with no leading on the part of Kathy, to weigh in on the very pressing issue of blow jobs: “I never do that. My mom always taught me, ‘Only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that.’” Ummmmm, really, Paris? (In case you couldn’t guess, that link is NSFW.)

Later in the show, Kathy asks how tall she is, and she says she’s 5′8″. I know that’s the standard party line for Paris’s height, but I’ve seen the girl in person without heels, and I have a really hard time believing she’s taller than I am (I’m 5′7″ … for reals). In fact, I have a hard time believing she’s taller than about 5′5″. I’ve stood next to Nicky on more than one occasion, and that girl’s exactly five feet tall, on a good day. If you look at pictures of Paris and Nicky next to each other, without shoes on, like this one, it’s pretty hard to believe that she’s that much taller than her sister.

And it brings us back to the time she told Larry King she’d never ever ever done drugs in her life, despite the countless leaked photos of her doing drugs. Why does this girl insist on publicly lying about things that can be easily proven to be lies? What sort of bizarre, narcissistic world does she live in where she can just say whatever and assume the whole world will believe it to be true despite tremendous evidence to the contrary? It is so annoying. Equally as annoying as the assumption that oral sex is for ugly people. Maybe, just maybe, it’s for people who actually care about finding multiple ways to pleasure their partner, because they have some sort of awareness that other people exist and have value. BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU, PARIS?

Priceless little quotes coming out of the AEG party at Club Nokia last night.

From Paris’s mother, Kathy Hilton:

“I think Paris needs to be with someone who is a bit more mature, older and has their own thing.”

And from her aunt, Kyle Richards, who’s definitely more of a famewhore than Kathy:

“The stories out there about our family not approving of their relationship are completely true. Doug was riding Paris’ coattails. The break-up affected me in a good way. It’s definitely time for Paris to move on.”

Oooh, I love it! I’m actually cackling to myself. I am rejoicing in Douche’s pain! Seriously I have had the worst PMS all day and I’ve been so grumpy but suddenly I am happy and all is well in the world again. I hope Kyle decides to extend this particular fifteen minutes a little further by dishing even more dirt about Paris and The Douche.