Paris and Benji hit up LA Fashion Week events after spending the day together at a spa in WeHo.

Seriously?

He looks like a Blues Brother.

You know Paris is not having sex with him. I’m sorry, call her a slut all you want, I guaran-fucking-tee you this chick does not go home at the end of the night and spread her legs for this dude. It just doesn’t happen.

Here’s our gal Paris, getting all half-naked for 944, while pointing out all the respectable things she does with her life.

“It makes me angry because people don’t know the real me,” she says. “Yes, I do get paid to go to parties. But when you see me at a party, I’m always working or promoting something. I work with so many organizations, especially Childrens Hospital in Los Angeles and the Make-A-Wish Foundation.”

Yeah, Paris, when you go to parties, you’re always promoting something: yourself.

Did I ever tell you guys about when I used to work for 944? This was before it was a lifestyle mag; it was a porn studio back then. The name of the magazine comes from the address of our original studios: we were at 944 S. Mill in Tempe, Arizona. You know, right next to the tattoo parlor, although I was instructed to tell callers that we were “next to the Dairy Queen.” The Dairy Queen was actually two doors over, but the owners thought that sounded classier than saying we were next to the tattoo parlor; I found this point to be arguable at best.

Anyway, I was doing web development for them, along with a group of 15-year-old boys they’d recruited out of the local high schools. It was one of the more surreal experiences of my life. I’d be sitting in the main offices with these horny teenage boys, and the owners would be leading nude models in and out of the studios. Their goal at the time was to be a “classy” porn studio, so they’d take all these artsy pictures, and then — as the only woman working in the entire place — the pictures were presented to me, so that I could make the final determination as to whether or not they were classy. There was one that I seriously had to stare at for like 30 seconds before I could figure out what it was; it was two nude women, standing stomach to stomach, legs spread. The shot was taken was taken from the ground, between their legs, facing up. I was finally like, “Oh! It’s two vaginas! Pressed together! From the ground!” and they were like “Classy, right?”

Needless to say, I eventually quit. And I never gave any formal notice or even said goodbye. I just got fed up one day, turned to the pimple-faced boy sitting next to me, said “Tell them I quit,” and left. So that was shitty of me and, if you guys are reading this, I’m sorry about that. But about six months later I ran into one of the owners at a Tokyo Express. Rather than berating me, he was like, “Hey, I’m glad I ran into you. We’re turning 944 into a lifestyle magazine. We need some good writers. Do you want a job?” and I politely told him that I’d think about it and then never called him back. In retrospect, it was a remarkably stupid decision.

Anyway.

Here’s Paris. Being classy in that special way that only 944 understands.

“Let me make this as plain as possible – Benji did not leave me for Paris Hilton. Benji and I did not break up badly or anything like that. We both decided, as adults, our relationship had run its course and decided to move on. I feel no animosity towards Benji and Paris at all and am very happy with life at the moment.”

Sophie Monk, to Australia’s Herald Sun.

I give this girl mad props for not pulling a Shanna Moakler and being all like “Paris Hilton needs to take her Valtrex.” You’re a classy broad, Sophie.

So, per usual, I’m having an awful day. When I feel like I’ve finally lived through the worst of the awful days, it seems I learn there’s an even worse one on the horizon. I certainly hope you’re having fun here, God.

But just when I think that absolutely, positively nothing could make me crack a smile today, there’s Paris Hilton. And her frappuccino. And her shaman.

Thank you, Paris. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Okay you know in that Tori Amos song Cornflake Girl where she’s all like “This is not really, this, this, this is not really happeniiiiiing. You bet your life it is!”

Okay every time I see a picture of Paris Hilton and new flame Benji Madden, that little verse goes through my head.

She is such an evil little bitch. (And my soon-to-be new best friend.)

First: Benji broke up with longtime girlfriend Sophie Monk, like, three minutes ago.

Secondly: Benji’s brother, Joel, just had a baby with her frenemy Nicole Richie.

So Paris puts two and two together and thinks: Publicity. Lots more publicity than she’s getting with Simon Rex.

Yeah, that door better be handicapped accessible, Paris. Mentally handicapped accessible.

Oh, God, this is so wonderful!

Paris Hilton is getting yet another reality TV show.

“The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend,” a source tells Usmagazine.com. “Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.”

The untitled project – expected to be picked up by either MTV or VH1 – will be her second foray in reality television. Hilton’s The Simple Life, costarring pal Nicole Richie, aired from 2003 to 2007.

The new show is “going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life,” the source tells Us.

OMG OMG OMG.

Are they holding auditions for this in LA?

Will somebody please find out what it will take for me to be on this show? Seriously? I will sleep with anyone I have to. I need to be on this television show. I am officially calling in every favor ever owed me. Every second-rate field producer I ever banged for coke back in my party-girl days better be on his damn iPhone figuring out what it’s gonna take to get me on this show. I will be Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

Paris is out and about with Simon Rex again, this time at Goa, where she was slipping nipples left and right and smoking what may or may not be a joint.

Oh, Paris.

Aren’t you getting a little old for this nonsense?

Word on the street is that Paris is back to sucking face with the newly divorced Travis Barker.

Now spies say Hilton, wearing a wig, met up with Barker on Wednesday at the Jet nightclub. Rumors are, they shared a pre-Valentine’s Day kiss.

“Shanna is very upset that Paris is back around,” says a pal. “She and Travis are unhappily divorced — they really should be together.”

What ever happened to Simon Rex? Wasn’t Paris riding him for a week or two? I’m so tired of these shenanigans.