Paris wore this bright blue number to a Golden Globes after-party on Sunday night.

What do we think?

Here are some shots of Paris at her much-hyped NYE party in Australia for The Bongo Virus, which appears to be some sort of online social networking tool — one that, I assume, will be reporting a loss for 2008. Maybe this shit is a bigger deal in Australia (anyone who lives there ever heard of it?), but I don’t even want to know what they paid Paris and Nicky Hilton to show up there on New Year’s Eve. Oh, and the party was an “online” party, so you could actually pay to attend the party via the Internet. Dude, if you’re that damn set on drinking at home alone, go to an AA meeting, not an Internet party.

Anyway.

This whole thing just seems so ridiculous to me.

What’s the buzz like in Australia?

“I’m in Australia, I think it’s important to help out, you know, the economy out here, everywhere in the world … And what’s wrong with doing a little shopping? It’s New Year’s, I need a New Year’s dress.”

Humanitarian Paris Hilton, after being chastised for spending $3,844 during a 40-minute shopping spree in Sydney.

And maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been on strong cold medicine for the past week or so, but I kind of agree with her. I mean, we can’t exactly afford to be picky right now about who’s supporting the free world’s economy. At least Paris is out there spending the money she has, whether or not she earned it. If you think $3,844 is a lot of money, consider the $700 billion-with-a-B the U.S. banks were handed months ago by the government — and they’re still refusing to lend!

Ya know what, Paris Hilton? You may not have gone to college, but you’ve done more than your part over the past five years to buoy the economy while thousands of Harvard MBAs were destroying it. Ironic and delicious, my dear.

Oh, Paris. I don’t care whether you’re in Aspen or Los Angeles or Mt. Everest. You’re competing with Lindsay Lohan each and every day of your life, and it simply cannot be done in those boots. Lindsay Lohan is the reigning boots champion of the world. The boots you are wearing are not nearly as cool as the ones Lindsay’s been wearing lately, plus how are we supposed to get a pic of your slipping and eating shit in the snow if you insist on such sturdy footwear? And lastly your name is not written on ANYTHING you are wearing right now. This worries me. What if you have a sudden chlamydia attack and pass out? How will anyone know who you are? We all know you’re not very good at hanging onto your drivers license …

Also I had a thought tonight. The thought is probably more related to the medicine I’m on for my cold than anything else, but wouldn’t it have been funny if Paris Hilton had been named Aspen instead? Like, they’re both two syllables for really expensive places where rich people go. It totally could have happened. Can’t you see her as being an Aspen Hilton? I really can.

I think I may have told this story on this blog before, but one of my best friends in high school had a brother whose middle name is Orson. His first name is Jeff. And his parents took a long time deciding which would be his middle name and which would be his first. And whenever Jeff would get into trouble — with a girl or with alcohol or partying — his parents would be like “THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WE’D NAMED YOU ORSON!”

I don’t know why I shared that story, but I guess what I’m asking is this: Would Paris Hilton still be this obnoxious if her name were Aspen?

With absolutely nothing else going on right now, Hollywood is all abuzz with talk of the $2M in gaudy jewels stolen from Chez Hilton last week, and Paris Hilton is all too happy to warble on about it herself.

“I think whoever did this, definitely has been there before,” she told E! News on Monday, while perusing the racks at the L.A. boutique Intuition. “We have some suspects that I’m thinking of … I would tell them to please return my things, because I know that they’re probably watching E! News right now, to return everything and that’s it. They just have to anonymously have a taxi drop it off in my front gate in a box with my jewelry and everything they won’t get in trouble, but if all this goes on for much longer they’re going to get in more trouble.”

I’m sorry, but does anyone else think this sounds like the bitchy girl at summer camp trying to figure out who used her razor? Because she’s brunette and it had a black hair in it this morning and so she just knows someone used it? And she’s got like a fucking checklist of names and everyone’s huddled around her bottom bunk while she holds court and produces evidence and accuses everyone and makes people cry? And she’s like, “Look, if you just admit it now, I won’t turn you in,” like there’s a fucking summer camp jail and you will be incarcerated the fucking instant she tells the counselor that it’s your leg hair on her razor. And the whole time you’re just sitting there thinking to yourself that she probably started growing pubes this week and didn’t notice. Paris Hilton is totally the bitchy, pubescent summer camp girl who thinks you used her razor.

Okay, okay, for once I actually feel kind of bad for Paris. I remember when I was a kid, when my dad was fresh out of med school and we didn’t have much money, we lived in a pretty crappy part of town, and our house got broken into once every couple of years. I was too young to understand most of it, but my father had given me one of those huge plastic containers that goes on top of water coolers and I had, over the course of several years, filled it with nickels and pennies. I was so proud of it. Then the thieves came and stole my mom’s jewelry — given to her by her grandmother — and my 7-year-old life’s savings. Seriously, those bastards must have carried 30 pounds of fucking nickels out of the house with them. Evil evil people. I was devastated. I cried for days. So I actually kind of feel for Paris when she talks about how she’s sad about having all her shit stolen. It’s not like I needed those nickels, but it still really hurt that someone would steal them.

“I am devastated. I cannot believe someone broke into my home. They took items that had such sentimental value that no one will ever be able to replace,” Hilton told Life & Style Weekly. “I’m just thankful that I wasn’t there when it happened.”

The blonde socialite was out and about in Los Angeles when the robbery occurred. An insider close to Paris reveals to the magazine that “millions of dollars of jewelry was stolen — diamonds, necklaces, rings, watches and family heirlooms from her grandmothers.”

Luckily, Paris caught the thief on security cameras — giving police a lead on who broke in. “Paris has surveillance cameras set up in every room,” said the insider. “The thief was wearing a black hoody and knew exactly where to go, like he’s been there before.”

The insider adds, “Detectives are doing a huge investigation.”

Her mom Kathy’s keeping a positive outlook about it:

She and I were talking about it and really, it is stuff,” Kathy told E! News in an exclusive TV interview Saturday in the living room of her Beverly Hills-area home. “I’m just happy that she’s okay. But you can’t be possessed by your possessions. Those are just things. And I’m happy that she’s okay.”

As to what happened that night, Hilton added, “I think the police are investigating it right now. You’ll probably know before I do.”

To make matters worse for Paris, reports are swirling that the aging heiress is rapidly becoming persona non grata at hot Hollywood events:

The same night she was burgled of $2 million in jewels, she was reportedly reduced to hanging out with only her as-seen-on-TV BFF Brittany Flickinger, only to leave L.A. restaurant Saam just before Christina Aguilera arrived to celebrate her birthday with hubby Jordan Bratman, Nicole Richie, Joel Madden and (Paris’ ex) Benji Madden.

Poor Paris!

I am SO curious to find out who robbed her. If she has all those security cameras, why weren’t the doors locked? How did this guy get in there? Is it possible Paris actually staged this shit to keep herself in the spotlight? Wouldn’t put it past her …

Just a little something to keep in mind as you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to afford a Christmas tree this year.