After her third marriage failed — all together now — MISERABLY, Pamela Anderson tells Ellen Degeneres she is currently not dating anyone.

Her attention, says Anderson, the mother of two boys (Brandon, 11, and Dylan, 10, whose father is Anderson’s ex, Tommy Lee), is devoted to “just kids. That’s taking up a lot of time.”

Especially on her schedule. Says Anderson, “Usually I get in around 3 or 4 in the morning, and I’m up at 6:30 am with my kids making breakfast, 8 a.m. at school, and who washes their face?”

Congratu-fucking-lations, Pamela. Way to go two weeks without dating anyone. Way to focus on your kids for twenty seconds. You sure are getting your life back under control. Getting in at 3 or 4 in the morning every day? That sounds manageable. What the hell are you doing at 3 am, Pamela? Taking a business meeting? Everything sounds very much under control right now. Good for you.

So I ran into an old high-school classmate at a party a couple of months ago. I hadn’t really seen her since high school. She’d married her high-school sweetheart after nearly a decade of dating, but the marriage itself was short-lived; they separated after only two months, and decided to make the split permanent soon after. She’d ended up getting an annulment just weeks before I saw her, and, after downing an entire flask of vodka in one swig (very impressive), she bemoaned the absence of a spot for annulments on the “Marital Status” field of assorted forms. “They have ’single,’ they have ‘divorced,’ they have ‘widow,’” she complained. “Why isn’t there an ‘annulee’ field? I’m not a divorcee, I’m an annulee!” I dunno, maybe you had to be there — or maybe you had to be there with vodka — but we laughed for like 20 minutes about that. Maybe because, in a situation like that, there’s not much else to do but laugh your ass off with the people who knew you before life became so complicated.

Anyway.

Pamela Anderson is tired of being a divorcee and ready to become an annulee. She’s filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Salomon, citing “fraud” as the reason, with no further explanation.

This oughtta be good.

All the make-up in the world cannot hide the fact that Pamela Anderson is getting older.

Stop trying to dress like you’re still 20, Pam!

Ms. Anderson is in Paris, where she’ll be performing for two nights at the Crazy Horse, one of France’s most famous nude reviews. Thank goodness she’ll be nude — that means people won’t have to focus on her face!

“I wish him the best. It’s a can of worms. Big, fat juicy worms, but worms.”

That’s what Pammy had to say about her pending divorce from Rick Salomon.

Someone explain this to me, please.

“Big, fat juicy worms, but worms”???

I’m getting One Night In Paris flashbacks.

From her blog:

1/10/2008
No

No.

Then again, this was the same media she used to deny reports that she and Rick Salomon were divorcing — then she moved forward with the divorce anyway. So take it with a grain of salt.

After filing for divorce and then saying the two were “working things out” and then showing up on NYE solo, Us Weekly is reporting that Pamela Anderson had Rick Salomon personally served with divorce papers on December 28.

Seriously, there’s “unlucky in love” and then there’s “fucking retarded,” and Pam Anderson is firmly on the “fucking retarded” side of that line.

Pam, this is the same guy who tried to stick a champagne bottle up Paris Hilton’s pussy. How’d you think this was gonna end, sweetheart?

You’d think she could have left them with, ya know, their father, or any one of her later husbands, or a babysitter, or a bartender, or something, but no. Pam Anderson left her kids, ages 10 and 11, alone in a hotel room in Las Vegas while she hung out at LAX and PURE.

Now everyone’s all up in arms about this. It sounds like the making of a great kids movie: Home Alone: Las Vegas. I can’t remember my folks ever leaving me and my sister alone at that age, but I tend to think that, with some movies and candy, we would have been just fine.

I’m putting this shit to a vote. What do you guys think?