If you are ever sitting around wondering, “Does Wendie love me?” the answer is a resounding “Yes!”  And, just how much do I love you?  Uh … I watched Oprah today.  For you.  In other words, a lot.

I guess today was the season premiere of Oprah.  What made me throw away the last shred of my sanity was that today was the first of a two-part interview with the incomparable Whitney Houston.  She talked about Bobby Brown — she said he wasn’t abusive other than the time he slapped her and spit on her; it sounds like she was pretty abusive too — and their drug use.  For about seven years — it started around the time of The Bodyguard — they spent their time smoking pot laced with cocaine.  I didn’t even know this was possible, but she gave pretty good instructions on how to do it.  She went to rehab (twice).

The one thing that struck me about the entire interview is how many times she’d refer to Bobby — like, “Oh, he won’t like me saying this,” or “This will make him mad.”  W needs to stop factoring Bobby’s feelings into her choices.

Part two is tomorrow and I’m going to suffer through that too, mostly because I want to know where their daughter was while they were doing all these drugs.

When Houston sang on Good Morning America last week, she blamed her hoarse voice on Oprah.  To be honest though, Whitney’s voice was raspy throughout the entire interview.  I hope too many years of coke joints didn’t ruin her voice for good.

Oprah Winfrey was in New York City yesterday lunching with her strictly platonic friend Gayle — owner of the kneecaps and furtive hand placement as seen in the background — and singer Alicia Keyes.  Alicia wasn’t in any of these photos which makes me wonder if O didn’t swallow her whole.  If you don’t hear of any new AK singles any time soon, you’ll know why.

No, Oprah did not go into her local Kentucky Fried Chicken and rip tables and booths in half with her bare hands in a fit of extra tasty crispy fried chicken-craving rage… Although I wish she had.

On last Tuesday’s Oprah show, the would-be saint announced a deal she had partnered with KFC to promote. Customers and Oprah devotees could download a coupon and bring it into KFC for a free two piece meal of their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken (a product whose slogan should be “Kentucky GRILLED Chicken? What’s the Point?”).

The promotion was originally supposed to run through May 19th, but it seems like the chicken pluckers underestimated the Oprah effect. Similar to the butterfly effect, the Oprah effect mandates that if Oprah flaps her underarm fat in a field in Africa, blindly devoted wildebeests American consumers will stampede to buy whatever product she’s currently promoting and a giant thunderstorm will brew inside KFCs all across North America.

The overwhelming response to the promotion–which included long lines and clashes between tired employees and hungry customers– has led KFC to put the free meal deal on temporary hiatus. Customers can bring in their free meal coupon and fill out a form to receive a new coupon in the mail which they can redeem for a free meal and a free Pepsi at a later date. I love the video above because the PR team directed KFC president Roger Eaton to sound really excited and happy when he says “We can’t redeem your free coupon at this time!” Yaaay! I suspect that might not even be the real President of KFC. I think he’s a plant, because the PR people understand that almost anything sounds like a good idea when it’s being said by a happy, excited Aussie.

If you don’t feel like filling out a voucher and waiting for your new free chicken coupon to show up in the mail, you can just go into El Pollo Loco, who is capitalizing on KFC’s gaffe by promising to honor KFC’s coupon for free chicken– on Mother’s Day no less. What better way to thank your mother for squeezing you out of her vagina and selflessly putting up with decades of your crap than by taking her to El Pollo Loco for some free coupon chicken?

Every once in a while I come across a story that blows out all my circuit breakers.  Today, this event has occurred.

Jenny McCarthy has teamed up with Oprah.  As I take a deep breath and forge ahead, it brings me physical pain to inform you that McCarthy now has a blog on Oprah’s website and is being groomed for her own talk show.  Jenny McCarthy.  Oprah.  It’s a perfect storm of lunacy.

In my hopes that this was all just a vicious rumor I could easily dispel, I headed over to O’s site only to discover “Jenny McCarthy” on the header, nestled in between “Elizabeth Edwards” and “Take Our Recession Poll.”  Currently, Jenny’s blogging about giving up sugar.  Which is something I did as well.  And it’s only a matter of time before she starts blogging about her son Evan’s autism.  That’s something I do also.  It really bothers me to have things in common with Jenny McCarthy.  Like, beyond both of us having ovaries, and I’d be willing to have mine removed if it resulted in this Jenny-O union being dissolved, I don’t want to relate to her on any level.

I think I’ll feel better if I start a list of the things we don’t have in common.  She is one of Oprah’s apostles; there is probably a restraining order on file that prohibits me from coming within a mile of Harpo Studios.  She blogs about her PMS symptoms; I could never be so hateful.  Her chesticles are plastical; mine are fantastical.  Oh, and she can cure autism utilizing a magic recipe of sorghum and rice.  I am completely incapable of curing autism.

That would be an odd name for a school wouldn’t it? So what’s up with the “Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls”?

The school Oprah built opened today at a cost of around $40 million dollars. It will educate 150 girls aged 12 and 13. The school will not educate any boys, presumably because boys are fine without fancy book learning. The school will also not educate the other 3350 applicants who didn’t make the cut.

“(the school) Built on 21 hectares, the 28-building campus resembles a luxury hotel with state-of-the-art classrooms, computer and science laboratories, a library, a theatre and a wellness centre. Each girl has a two-bedroom suite.” (link to full story here)

I know this is a good deed, and I’m not claiming South Africa would be better off without it. I just wonder if $40m could have been used more effectively to educate a wider range of a population that needs much in the way of infrastructure help.

She’s still better than Rosie and Trump though, so semi-kudos Oprah.

That would be an odd name for a school wouldn’t it? So what’s up with the “Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls”?

The school Oprah built opened today at a cost of around $40 million dollars. It will educate 150 girls aged 12 and 13. The school will not educate any boys, presumably because boys are fine without fancy book learning. The school will also not educate the other 3350 applicants who didn’t make the cut.

“(the school) Built on 21 hectares, the 28-building campus resembles a luxury hotel with state-of-the-art classrooms, computer and science laboratories, a library, a theatre and a wellness centre. Each girl has a two-bedroom suite.” (link to full story here)

I know this is a good deed, and I’m not claiming South Africa would be better off without it. I just wonder if $40m could have been used more effectively to educate a wider range of a population that needs much in the way of infrastructure help.

She’s still better than Rosie and Trump though, so semi-kudos Oprah.

Finally someone has put that whore Oprah in her place.

No, only screwing with you, me and Oprah are tight. However, that’s not the case with her and 50 cent. According to the acclaimed (like eight years ago) rapper:

“(She) Started out with black women’s views but has been catering to middle-aged white American women for so long that she’s become one herself.”

The article also notes that 50 cent and other rappers have been critical of Opes for not having rappers on her show.

Personally, if I ever have a show called “The SpitefulLars Show” I’m going to invite whoever the hell I want. If that doesn’t include other people of spite, well tough luck. It’s my show. Cram it. In summation, I think I’ve regrouped from calling her a naughty name to officially rushing to her defense. Go me!

PS- Sorry no shots of Oprah’s vagina.