Ed and I had so much fun making a video for you last week that we decided to do it again this week. And every week until you stop calling me a man and Ed a lesbian in the comments section. In other words: WE’RE HERE TO STAY. Kinda. Unless Sasha fires me. Hey, Sasha. Please don’t do that. I have a chihuahua to feed. Love you, gurl. This week we’re talking about Oprah, Mariah and Levi Johnston’s dick (or lack there of).

BTW, if you want more of me or Ed you can find our Twitters here and here.

Now back to the news…

I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t own rosary beads.  I don’t observe religious holidays and I inwardly groan when I get a wedding invite and realize that it means I’ll have to sit through an entire mass.  How.Ev.Er.  I believe that God exists and he does answer prayers.  Today, I have proof.

Today, Oprah is expected to announce that she’s ending her show.  After 25 interminably fucking long years, it will finally be over in 2011.  This has been like suffering through the world’s longest colonoscopy.

I was rejoicing about this good news on Facebook when a few people tried to take the shine off my elation by pointing out that O will just be moving her show to her long-awaited — and I’d like to personally meet the people who are waiting for this — Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).  Yeah, I don’t care about that.  As long as I keep out of the high 200’s when I’m channel surfing, I should be okay in avoiding her.

Can you even imagine what this new OWN is going to be like?  If you suffer from depression, low self-esteem, have suicidal tendencies or are just having a bad day, STAY AWAY FROM OPRAH’S NEW NETWORK!  Because Oprah is awesome.  And almighty.  And living her highest and most purposeful life.  We simple commoners cannot possibly understand such complex concepts that are discussed on O as evidenced by Oprah constantly taking the words of her guests, chewing them up and serving them pureed style to her apparently idiotic audience (”Do you get that, people?  What she’s saying is that her husband cheated on her, but she’s choosing to move on.”)

Personally, I’m glad that O is waddling off into the sunset.  I hope she finds tons, and I do mean tons, of success at her new network.  Anything to keep her off the main stations where I could accidentally come in contact with her when I’m desperately searching for Full House reruns.

First of all, I can’t believe PotatO Head had an icky porn star on her show.  Isn’t O too busy scarfing down boxes of Potato Buds leading her most pure and authentic life to be bothered with chicks who work the pole on film?  Doesn’t she have a like, school to build?

Nope, Oprah has been wallowing with the common folk all month — she had Sarah Palin on last week … uh, highest Oprah ratings in the past two years — and yesterday she had Jenna Jameson (though, who hasn’t had Jenna Jameson at some point?) on the show.  Jenna tried to play it like almost all of her porn movies were filmed with her ex-husband Jay Gardina.  Jameson claims that doing porn with her husband is the reason her movies were so popular — you could “see love.”  She’s conveniently forgotten about the seven years of sex on film that she was involved with prior to meeting him.

Listen, this is a celebrity gossip blog — it’s a casual setting ’round here.  I’m not going to bury you with my own personal commentary on the pros and cons of porn.  But when Slut Barbie says, with a completely straight face, that she wanted to be the best porn star in the world and wanted to do her job with “dignity” I’m gonna laugh.  ’Kay?  There’s just no dignity in being famous for your on-film blow job performances.  Watch the video of that portion of the interview here.

You’d think that if your daughter’s baby daddy was showing his junk for money in Playgirl and shit-talking you on national television while disclosing family secrets, you probably wouldn’t want to sit around a table with him talking about how moist this year’s turkey is, but that Sarah Palin just won’t be put in a mold!

In an interview with Oprah that’s due to air on November 16th, Palin said she’d be more than happy to have Levi Johnston at her Thanksgiving table. “It’s lovely to think that he would ever even consider such a thing… He is a part of the family and you want to bring him in the fold and kind of under your wing. And he needs that, too, Oprah. I think he needs to know that he is loved and he has the most beautiful child and this can all work out for good.”

It’s pretty clear that Palin’s not under the impression that this would ever happen, but at least publicly she’s pretending that there’s a chance they have a salvageable relationship. “We don’t have to keep going down this road of controversy and drama all the time. We’re not really into the drama. We don’t really like that. We’re more productive. We have other things to concentrate on.” Yeah, like a potential custody battle, rumors of divorce and making sure your book winds up on the best seller list, Sarah.

Little Jani Schofield may be the smartest seven year old that I’ve ever seen.  She was on yesterday’s Oprah (film only, her parents were in the studio) because she’s a little girl that has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  You know why she’s a headline-maker to me, though?  Because she screamed right in Oprah’s big potato head face.

You know, this child is mentally ill, but that doesn’t make her a Malti-Poo.  And I think she didn’t appreciate Oprah talking to her like she was one.  This clip proves one thing:  Oprah’s condescending demeanor stops for no one.  Schofield just kept screaming, “I don’t want to talk to you!” which is basically my dream come true.  I often fantasize about agreeing to go on Oprah and at the first sign of Oprah giving me a dismissive nod or interrupting me because she just knows what I’m going to say next, I’d yell, “I don’t want to talk to you!  Get away from me!  I wanna be on Tyyyyyyyrrrrraaaaa!”

Anyway, it’s been said that children can see auras and are extremely perceptive about people’s energy.  Do we need more evidence?  Today, I salute you Jani Schofield as well as every voice in your head.  You’re all awesome!

Have I mentioned how glad I am that Whitney Houston is back on the scene?  Sure, her voice is shot, but hopefully with vocal training it can be restored.  Other than the iconic voice, — and yes, Whitney Houston has earned the term “iconic”.  Are you listening, Mischa? — the singer is also just brutally straightforward.  That’s why, I’m really hopeful that there’s some truth to The National Enquirer article that claims Houston called Oprah out for being a liar.

Insiders say bad blood has been simmering between the superstars for years over Whitney’s struggle with drugs – and their secret feud exploded off camera when the pop diva angrily blasted Oprah as a liar!

“Whitney knew Oprah’s show could help her clean up her tarnished image after years of drug use and her troubled marriage to Bobby Brown – and Oprah knew the interview could help her sagging TV ratings,” says an insider.

“But Whitney felt Oprah needed her more than she needed Oprah. Whitney was contacted by various media outlets vying for the ‘big get’ interview with her during her comeback campaign.”

Whitney, 46, had her pick of the litter, but chose Oprah because she wanted to appeal to her viewers and knew that if Oprah pushed her too far during the interview

she was going to push back and expose some of Oprah’s own secrets!

“Whitney will never forget that when she was down and out, Oprah wanted NOTHING to do with her,” an insider told The ENQUIRER.

And THAT pissed-off Whitney to no end . . .

The online article doesn’t get into the specifics that led to the outburst — gotta save something for the print edition! — but I definitely felt that Whitney was a little snippy with Oprah during that interview last week.

Oprah’s ratings continue to slip despite high-profile interviews such as Houston’s and today’s sit-down with Mackenzie Phillips.  She’s getting rid of that live Friday format in an effort to shake things up.  Getting rid of the panel discussions means that she canned Mark Conseulos, thus removing my one last reason for watching.

“My job was to make people, or allow people, to be introduced to Obama, who might not have been, at the time.  I wanted him elected, and I think I did that.”

Oprah Winfrey talking to the Associated Press about how amazing she is.  You realize that we have to give credit for every success of this country to Saint Oprah for the next four years, right?

If you are ever sitting around wondering, “Does Wendie love me?” the answer is a resounding “Yes!”  And, just how much do I love you?  Uh … I watched Oprah today.  For you.  In other words, a lot.

I guess today was the season premiere of Oprah.  What made me throw away the last shred of my sanity was that today was the first of a two-part interview with the incomparable Whitney Houston.  She talked about Bobby Brown — she said he wasn’t abusive other than the time he slapped her and spit on her; it sounds like she was pretty abusive too — and their drug use.  For about seven years — it started around the time of The Bodyguard — they spent their time smoking pot laced with cocaine.  I didn’t even know this was possible, but she gave pretty good instructions on how to do it.  She went to rehab (twice).

The one thing that struck me about the entire interview is how many times she’d refer to Bobby — like, “Oh, he won’t like me saying this,” or “This will make him mad.”  W needs to stop factoring Bobby’s feelings into her choices.

Part two is tomorrow and I’m going to suffer through that too, mostly because I want to know where their daughter was while they were doing all these drugs.

When Houston sang on Good Morning America last week, she blamed her hoarse voice on Oprah.  To be honest though, Whitney’s voice was raspy throughout the entire interview.  I hope too many years of coke joints didn’t ruin her voice for good.

Oprah Winfrey was in New York City yesterday lunching with her strictly platonic friend Gayle — owner of the kneecaps and furtive hand placement as seen in the background — and singer Alicia Keyes.  Alicia wasn’t in any of these photos which makes me wonder if O didn’t swallow her whole.  If you don’t hear of any new AK singles any time soon, you’ll know why.

No, Oprah did not go into her local Kentucky Fried Chicken and rip tables and booths in half with her bare hands in a fit of extra tasty crispy fried chicken-craving rage… Although I wish she had.

On last Tuesday’s Oprah show, the would-be saint announced a deal she had partnered with KFC to promote. Customers and Oprah devotees could download a coupon and bring it into KFC for a free two piece meal of their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken (a product whose slogan should be “Kentucky GRILLED Chicken? What’s the Point?”).

The promotion was originally supposed to run through May 19th, but it seems like the chicken pluckers underestimated the Oprah effect. Similar to the butterfly effect, the Oprah effect mandates that if Oprah flaps her underarm fat in a field in Africa, blindly devoted wildebeests American consumers will stampede to buy whatever product she’s currently promoting and a giant thunderstorm will brew inside KFCs all across North America.

The overwhelming response to the promotion–which included long lines and clashes between tired employees and hungry customers– has led KFC to put the free meal deal on temporary hiatus. Customers can bring in their free meal coupon and fill out a form to receive a new coupon in the mail which they can redeem for a free meal and a free Pepsi at a later date. I love the video above because the PR team directed KFC president Roger Eaton to sound really excited and happy when he says “We can’t redeem your free coupon at this time!” Yaaay! I suspect that might not even be the real President of KFC. I think he’s a plant, because the PR people understand that almost anything sounds like a good idea when it’s being said by a happy, excited Aussie.

If you don’t feel like filling out a voucher and waiting for your new free chicken coupon to show up in the mail, you can just go into El Pollo Loco, who is capitalizing on KFC’s gaffe by promising to honor KFC’s coupon for free chicken– on Mother’s Day no less. What better way to thank your mother for squeezing you out of her vagina and selflessly putting up with decades of your crap than by taking her to El Pollo Loco for some free coupon chicken?

Every once in a while I come across a story that blows out all my circuit breakers.  Today, this event has occurred.

Jenny McCarthy has teamed up with Oprah.  As I take a deep breath and forge ahead, it brings me physical pain to inform you that McCarthy now has a blog on Oprah’s website and is being groomed for her own talk show.  Jenny McCarthy.  Oprah.  It’s a perfect storm of lunacy.

In my hopes that this was all just a vicious rumor I could easily dispel, I headed over to O’s site only to discover “Jenny McCarthy” on the header, nestled in between “Elizabeth Edwards” and “Take Our Recession Poll.”  Currently, Jenny’s blogging about giving up sugar.  Which is something I did as well.  And it’s only a matter of time before she starts blogging about her son Evan’s autism.  That’s something I do also.  It really bothers me to have things in common with Jenny McCarthy.  Like, beyond both of us having ovaries, and I’d be willing to have mine removed if it resulted in this Jenny-O union being dissolved, I don’t want to relate to her on any level.

I think I’ll feel better if I start a list of the things we don’t have in common.  She is one of Oprah’s apostles; there is probably a restraining order on file that prohibits me from coming within a mile of Harpo Studios.  She blogs about her PMS symptoms; I could never be so hateful.  Her chesticles are plastical; mine are fantastical.  Oh, and she can cure autism utilizing a magic recipe of sorghum and rice.  I am completely incapable of curing autism.

The school Oprah built opened today at a cost of around $40 million dollars. It will educate 150 girls aged 12 and 13. The school will not educate any boys, presumably because boys are fine without fancy book learning. The school will also not educate the other 3350 applicants who didn’t make the cut.

“(the school) Built on 21 hectares, the 28-building campus resembles a luxury hotel with state-of-the-art classrooms, computer and science laboratories, a library, a theatre and a wellness centre. Each girl has a two-bedroom suite.” (link to full story here)

I know this is a good deed, and I’m not claiming South Africa would be better off without it. I just wonder if $40m could have been used more effectively to educate a wider range of a population that needs much in the way of infrastructure help.

She’s still better than Rosie and Trump though, so semi-kudos Oprah.