Tomorrow’s Oprah is going to be some serious must-see TV. Jay Leno taped an interview with her yesterday talking mainly, I would assume, about his recent battle with Conan O’Brien for the seat at The Tonight Show. A snippet has been released online, and it does not make Jay sound good. I’ll touch more on that in a second, but read this first:

Oprah: “Have you talked to Conan in person?”

Jay: “I haven’t talked to him through all this. No. I haven’t.”

Oprah: “Did you want to pick up the phone?”

Jay: “Yeah, but it didn’t seem appropriate.”

Oprah: “Why?”

Jay: “I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know?”

Oprah: “Were any of the things that he said about you hurtful?”

Jay: “No. They were jokes. And that’s okay. I mean — ”

Oprah: “So jokes don’t hurt you.”

Jay: “It’s what we do, you know? You can’t — it’s like being a fighter and say when you got punched in the head, did it hurt? Well, yeah. But you’re a fighter. That’s what you do.”

To me that reads like Jay’s a total puss. To see the level of integrity that we saw from Conan over the last few weeks versus this guy saying that he can’t even pick up the phone and say “Sorry, man. I know this sucks, but I’m kind of doing what I have to do,” is pathetic. It’s not public opinion that the two of them are friends, but that seems to be the most obvious gesture one human who’s fucking over another human could make. Furthermore, his attitude implies that he knows he was wrong in taking back his job after ceremoniously handing it down to the next person in line. In a way, the only thing respectable about Jay Leno right now is that he’s at least willing to go on Oprah and admit what a jellyfish he really is.

Rosie O’Donnell and her ex-wife Kelli didn’t split up that long ago, but thankfully Rosie’s having no problem starting up something new. Rosie went on Oprah this week to talk all about her new relationship with girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders, and it looks like Tracy’s the new Kelli because the two are planning to move in together… and blend families. That’d be a grand total of eleven kids. Rosie says of meeting Tracy for the first time, “So she got out of the car in Miami and I was, like, zoinks, you know, because she’s absolutely gorgeous and, I don’t know, I felt like I knew her right away. It was very odd.”

People was able to get the scoop from Oprah before it airs on Monday and it looks like Rosie is going to open up about her relationship with Kelli quite a bit. “Although we co-parent, we share equal time but we’re never really without them. Some are here. And that’s the way we did it. It’s free-flowing, and we do nights together, too,” Rosie says of her post-divorce parenting with Kelli. For those of you who don’t know, most of Rosie’s kids are adopted (Vivian was carried by Kelli) and her entire parenting career, including how she’s handled her divorce, has been a huge “F you” to those who say that gay couples shouldn’t be able to adopt.

“I didn’t get a call from them or anything. I felt embarrassed, but at the same time I felt stabbed in the back. Ok, Oprah you have so much power and people really listen to what you say. You don’t know anything that went down and you jump to conclusions and start brining people on the set that have no similarities to me other than a domestic dispute. And then compare them to me when she’s around me and knows me. She could have called me and been like, “Chris, let me get you on my show and I’m going to do this kind of segment.”

–Chris Brown steps to Oprah in VIBE Magazine for talking smack about him on her show and not inviting him to speak for himself.

Oh, Chris. You’re going after Oprah? You got dem kinda ballz now?

Ed and I had so much fun making a video for you last week that we decided to do it again this week. And every week until you stop calling me a man and Ed a lesbian in the comments section. In other words: WE’RE HERE TO STAY. Kinda. Unless Sasha fires me. Hey, Sasha. Please don’t do that. I have a chihuahua to feed. Love you, gurl. This week we’re talking about Oprah, Mariah and Levi Johnston’s dick (or lack there of).

BTW, if you want more of me or Ed you can find our Twitters here and here.

Now back to the news…

I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t own rosary beads.  I don’t observe religious holidays and I inwardly groan when I get a wedding invite and realize that it means I’ll have to sit through an entire mass.  How.Ev.Er.  I believe that God exists and he does answer prayers.  Today, I have proof.

Today, Oprah is expected to announce that she’s ending her show.  After 25 interminably fucking long years, it will finally be over in 2011.  This has been like suffering through the world’s longest colonoscopy.

I was rejoicing about this good news on Facebook when a few people tried to take the shine off my elation by pointing out that O will just be moving her show to her long-awaited — and I’d like to personally meet the people who are waiting for this — Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).  Yeah, I don’t care about that.  As long as I keep out of the high 200’s when I’m channel surfing, I should be okay in avoiding her.

Can you even imagine what this new OWN is going to be like?  If you suffer from depression, low self-esteem, have suicidal tendencies or are just having a bad day, STAY AWAY FROM OPRAH’S NEW NETWORK!  Because Oprah is awesome.  And almighty.  And living her highest and most purposeful life.  We simple commoners cannot possibly understand such complex concepts that are discussed on O as evidenced by Oprah constantly taking the words of her guests, chewing them up and serving them pureed style to her apparently idiotic audience (“Do you get that, people?  What she’s saying is that her husband cheated on her, but she’s choosing to move on.”)

Personally, I’m glad that O is waddling off into the sunset.  I hope she finds tons, and I do mean tons, of success at her new network.  Anything to keep her off the main stations where I could accidentally come in contact with her when I’m desperately searching for Full House reruns.

First of all, I can’t believe PotatO Head had an icky porn star on her show.  Isn’t O too busy scarfing down boxes of Potato Buds leading her most pure and authentic life to be bothered with chicks who work the pole on film?  Doesn’t she have a like, school to build?

Nope, Oprah has been wallowing with the common folk all month — she had Sarah Palin on last week … uh, highest Oprah ratings in the past two years — and yesterday she had Jenna Jameson (though, who hasn’t had Jenna Jameson at some point?) on the show.  Jenna tried to play it like almost all of her porn movies were filmed with her ex-husband Jay Gardina.  Jameson claims that doing porn with her husband is the reason her movies were so popular — you could “see love.”  She’s conveniently forgotten about the seven years of sex on film that she was involved with prior to meeting him.

Listen, this is a celebrity gossip blog — it’s a casual setting ’round here.  I’m not going to bury you with my own personal commentary on the pros and cons of porn.  But when Slut Barbie says, with a completely straight face, that she wanted to be the best porn star in the world and wanted to do her job with “dignity” I’m gonna laugh.  ’Kay?  There’s just no dignity in being famous for your on-film blow job performances.  Watch the video of that portion of the interview here.

You’d think that if your daughter’s baby daddy was showing his junk for money in Playgirl and shit-talking you on national television while disclosing family secrets, you probably wouldn’t want to sit around a table with him talking about how moist this year’s turkey is, but that Sarah Palin just won’t be put in a mold!

In an interview with Oprah that’s due to air on November 16th, Palin said she’d be more than happy to have Levi Johnston at her Thanksgiving table. “It’s lovely to think that he would ever even consider such a thing… He is a part of the family and you want to bring him in the fold and kind of under your wing. And he needs that, too, Oprah. I think he needs to know that he is loved and he has the most beautiful child and this can all work out for good.”

It’s pretty clear that Palin’s not under the impression that this would ever happen, but at least publicly she’s pretending that there’s a chance they have a salvageable relationship. “We don’t have to keep going down this road of controversy and drama all the time. We’re not really into the drama. We don’t really like that. We’re more productive. We have other things to concentrate on.” Yeah, like a potential custody battle, rumors of divorce and making sure your book winds up on the best seller list, Sarah.