Angelina Jolie may have barely escaped a supposed third-world plot to kidnap her and extort a ransom while working as a UN Goodwill Ambassador, but she’ll never escape the consequent positive publicity. Poor dear. [The Blemish]

Students at Oprah’s free South African boarding school are faced with the difficult choice between rape and junk food. I know, I know. It seems like a no-brainer. But think about Milk Duds, people. [IBBB]

Thank God Paris Hilton’s nipples are visible in this outfit. It means you don’t have to think too much about the skirt. [Yeeeah]

I am obsessed with this Claire Danes/Patrick Wilson GAP commercial, and now I want to buy Boyfriend Trousers. I am so easily brainwashed by a cute commercial. [popbytes]

Paris Hilton’s record label plans to drop her. Paris Hilton had a record label? Oh, yeah, right. Back when she was a “singer.” [Buzznet]

Sienna Miller is drunk, if you can believe that. [Gossip or Truth]

Awww … Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is making her acting debut in Papa Pitt’s latest film. This is great. She’s not going to turn out like the Olsen twins at all. No way. [Cele|bitchy]

Sweet Jesus, Suri Cruise only has four fingers. Like, seriously, the kid is missing an entire finger. This is what happens, people, when you create a baby from the 20-year-old frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. Four fingers. [POTP]

Antonella Barba’s not planning to return to school right away, in order to “strike while the iron’s hot,” which means I can no longer effectively argue that everything Antonella Barba has ever decided to do is stupid. [Ninja Dude]

More here.

There’s really not much dirt to this story (not yet, at least). Essentially, some dude talked to some California-based employee of Oprah Winfrey’s company and taped conversations in which the employee said mean things about Oprah. Then the bad guy emailed Oprah and was like “Hey, your employee said mean things about you, and I’m going to write a book about it.”

So Oprah’s folks contacted the FBI first, and then contacted the bad guy, and they were like “Okay, dude who taped phone conversations with someone who is not Oprah Winfrey and now hopes to use things said by not-Oprah Winfrey to blackmail Oprah Winfrey, sure, we will totally give you $1.5 million dollars to not write a book about mean things a mid-level employee said about Oprah Winfrey. And we’ll totally also wire you $3000 in earnest money. A full 0.2%!! Yeah, that’s pretty much the standard earnest percentage in blackmail. No, really. We ran this one by our lawyers. Trust us. Meet us tomorrow in a parking lot for the rest. We’ll be wearing red hats. This will go smoothly for all parties.”

So, um, needless to say, the dude was arrested the next day.

Here’s my favorite part of all of this. The bad guy’s name is Keifer Bonvillain. Bonvillain. Isn’t that just the best name ever for a criminal? It’s so … Cruella DeVille. If I ever choose to pursue a life as a career criminal, I’m totally making that my last name. And I’ll wear black berets and bright red lipstick and smoke with a jade cigarette holder and whisper orders in a faux French accent. Omigosh I am soooo ready to rob a bank!!! I would be sooo adorable!!!