I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t own rosary beads.  I don’t observe religious holidays and I inwardly groan when I get a wedding invite and realize that it means I’ll have to sit through an entire mass.  How.Ev.Er.  I believe that God exists and he does answer prayers.  Today, I have proof.

Today, Oprah is expected to announce that she’s ending her show.  After 25 interminably fucking long years, it will finally be over in 2011.  This has been like suffering through the world’s longest colonoscopy.

I was rejoicing about this good news on Facebook when a few people tried to take the shine off my elation by pointing out that O will just be moving her show to her long-awaited — and I’d like to personally meet the people who are waiting for this — Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).  Yeah, I don’t care about that.  As long as I keep out of the high 200’s when I’m channel surfing, I should be okay in avoiding her.

Can you even imagine what this new OWN is going to be like?  If you suffer from depression, low self-esteem, have suicidal tendencies or are just having a bad day, STAY AWAY FROM OPRAH’S NEW NETWORK!  Because Oprah is awesome.  And almighty.  And living her highest and most purposeful life.  We simple commoners cannot possibly understand such complex concepts that are discussed on O as evidenced by Oprah constantly taking the words of her guests, chewing them up and serving them pureed style to her apparently idiotic audience (”Do you get that, people?  What she’s saying is that her husband cheated on her, but she’s choosing to move on.”)

Personally, I’m glad that O is waddling off into the sunset.  I hope she finds tons, and I do mean tons, of success at her new network.  Anything to keep her off the main stations where I could accidentally come in contact with her when I’m desperately searching for Full House reruns.

Oprah doesn’t like sharing her magazine cover.  It’s not one of her favorite things.  She’s only ever shared with Michelle Obama before this December’s issue.  After Ellen Degeneres’ aggressive campaigning, she appears with Big O on not one, but two covers.

I love Ellen, even if I don’t understand her love of all things O.  You know what else I don’t love?  Oprah’s constant yammering about living her authentic self.  Just how many whacks of Photoshop’s warp brush tool do you think O’s saddlebags were treated to?  Even in discussing the shoot, Oprah said “When Ellen arrived at the photo shoot for our cover, I didn’t have to ask her how she was doing: it showed on her face.  She radiated the kind of peace and satisfaction that comes only when you’re living at your highest potential.”  I wish I could get five minutes with Oprah to ask if she’s living at her highest potential or is she just edited to appear that way.

A flight attendant who worked on Oprah’s private jet is now suing her, claiming that she was fired over false allegations. Corrine Gehrls, says that two of Oprah’s other flight attendants, Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus (Bumpus happens to be Gayle King’s daughter and Oprah’s goddaughter), accused her of having sex with the pilot while all the passengers (including Oprah and King) were passed out on board after ingesting sleeping pills.

Both the pilot and Gehrls passed polygraph tests regarding the situation, but were not rehired, which seems slightly unfair to them. What would be fair? The 75,000 dollars she’s seeking from Gooch, Bumpus and Harpo Inc, Oprah’s production company.

Frankly, it sounds like Gayle’s daughter is trying to pull some weight due to a personal grudge and I wouldn’t be surprised if she made the whole thing up because she was sure it would infuriate Oprah enough to make her can both employees. What’s unfortunate is that two people, who have proven their innocence through a freakin’ lie detector test, that their names are personally and professionally marred by this accusation and that Oprah can’t see the light here, so to speak.

I caught a brief article through the AP about a flick featuring Mariah Carey as a social worker. It’s called Precious, and it’s produced by Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey, and the director’s first choice for Mariah’s role was Helen Mirren. When she dropped out, Lee Daniels called on Mariah — who is 25 years younger than Helen — to play the role. He trusted Mariah’s acting skills, but he didn’t want a diva showing up on set to play a humble role. “If you come with a strip of makeup on,” he told her, “I will have a backup (actress).”

The article went on to say that Mariah’s performance in the film — which hits theaters November 6 — has garnered high praise from critics. I was VERY curious to see exactly how Mariah had slipped into a role imagined for Helen Freakin’ Mirren, so I checked out the trailer on YouTube. It’s above. I have to admit, not only does Mariah seem to be doing a great job, but the whole movie looks absolutely brilliant and touching and very human, and I can’t wait to see it. A far cry from Glitter, Mariah. (Although I still think of that Eminem diss track every time I hear your name these days.)

Have I mentioned how glad I am that Whitney Houston is back on the scene?  Sure, her voice is shot, but hopefully with vocal training it can be restored.  Other than the iconic voice, — and yes, Whitney Houston has earned the term “iconic”.  Are you listening, Mischa? — the singer is also just brutally straightforward.  That’s why, I’m really hopeful that there’s some truth to The National Enquirer article that claims Houston called Oprah out for being a liar.

Insiders say bad blood has been simmering between the superstars for years over Whitney’s struggle with drugs – and their secret feud exploded off camera when the pop diva angrily blasted Oprah as a liar!

“Whitney knew Oprah’s show could help her clean up her tarnished image after years of drug use and her troubled marriage to Bobby Brown – and Oprah knew the interview could help her sagging TV ratings,” says an insider.

“But Whitney felt Oprah needed her more than she needed Oprah. Whitney was contacted by various media outlets vying for the ‘big get’ interview with her during her comeback campaign.”

Whitney, 46, had her pick of the litter, but chose Oprah because she wanted to appeal to her viewers and knew that if Oprah pushed her too far during the interview

she was going to push back and expose some of Oprah’s own secrets!

“Whitney will never forget that when she was down and out, Oprah wanted NOTHING to do with her,” an insider told The ENQUIRER.

And THAT pissed-off Whitney to no end . . .

The online article doesn’t get into the specifics that led to the outburst — gotta save something for the print edition! — but I definitely felt that Whitney was a little snippy with Oprah during that interview last week.

Oprah’s ratings continue to slip despite high-profile interviews such as Houston’s and today’s sit-down with Mackenzie Phillips.  She’s getting rid of that live Friday format in an effort to shake things up.  Getting rid of the panel discussions means that she canned Mark Conseulos, thus removing my one last reason for watching.

Monday on Oprah, Jon Hamm — I’m sure his last name got Oprah all excited and January Jones of Mad Men will have the pleasure of beiing guests of Saint Potatohead.  Of course, O will have the set decorated just like the 1960’s show and The Jersey Boys are the musical guests, because she’s all authentic like that.

Have you ever noticed that Oprah likes to make everything about Oprah?  They’ll be playing a game of guessing what Oprah’s Favorite Things would have been if it existed in the ’60s.  Any guesses?  Feel free to add to my list:

Fondue

Skippy Peanut Butter with Bacon Bits (yes, that magic did exist)

Fondue

That’s all I’ve got.

Yeah, you read that right. $1 trillion-with-a-T. Here’s the story:

In an intellectual property case filed July 31 with the US District Court in Washington, D.C. author Damon Lloyd Goffe of the Bronx, New York is suing the talk show titan and her production company Harpo, Inc for damages he claims to be worth $1 trillion.

In the legal papers, Goffe says that “in April 2008 Oprah confessed to seizing original works of authorship” and published on the internet the first draft of his work “A Tome of Poetry” under another title “Pieces of My Soul.”

The claimant says the website in question is no longer live.

The suit also alleges Oprah sold over 650 million editions of the work online for $20 a copy which “calculates for 1.2 trillion dollars!”

Look, I don’t know whether Oprah stole this work or not, but I have a great deal of trouble believing even Oprah sold 650 million editions of anything for any amount of money, let alone $20. For comparison’s sake, just over 300 million people are currently living in the U.S. So this implies that Oprah got over twice the U.S. to buy an online book for $20. Even pre-recession, that’s insane and would never happen. I’d be surprised if the Bible sold more than 650 million copies last year. Stupid lawsuit, moving on now.

I realize that if you didn’t see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, that headline is lost on you, so I’ve prepared an alternative.  How about, “Oprah’s Ratings Crash Faster Than Lizzie Grubman’s SUV Into A Crowd of Pedestrians” ?  The moral of the story:  The American people have smartened up and aren’t watching Oprah.  And I thank you for that.

The week ending July 5th was the worst in ratings since 1983, the debut year of The Oprah Winfrey Show.  It isn’t a totally fair comparison since it was a holiday week, Michael Jackson had just died, and Wimbledon was on.  So, it was a bad week for ratings in general, but the show has been on a steady decline since October of 2008.  

What could be causing this loss of viewership?  Perhaps people are sick of her inability to find truthful authors.  Or maybe her audience has reached their limit in watching her hypocritcal advice-doling sessions whilst her own weight spirals out of control due to her “wacky thyroid.”  Want to know why I think people are tuning out?  I’ll speak for myself:  Because when I watch television, I don’t want to be lectured if I don’t follow Suze Orman’s financial plan, admonished if I don’t get enough Omega-3 like Dr. Oz tells me I should, or criticized if I think The Secret is nothing but common sense bound into a book.  I don’t want to feel less than worthy if I don’t support every gasp of air that Barack Obama takes and — I know I’m crossing a line here — I’m not so impressed with Oprah’s Book Club picks.  Oprah doesn’t feel good, and if I’m going to dedicate 42 minutes to television I want to walk away feeling positive about the experience.

In a move that proves money doesn’t necessarily equate to power, Angelina Jolie has bumped Oprah Can Someone Please Pass The Mashed? Winfrey out of the number one slot on Forbes’ Celebrity Top 100 Most Powerful list. 

Rankings are based not just on income but also on visibility.  In other words, Oprah needs to be in Playboy this year if she expects to waddle her way back to the top.  I’m not sure how serious a Top 100 Anything list can be considered when Jennifer Love Hewitt makes the cut, but it’s still wildly amusing to think of Oprah doing a centerfold spread. 

After Angie and O, Madonna, Beyonce, Tiger Woods, Bruce Springsteen, Stephen Spielberg, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Kobe Bryant filled out the top ten.

To view the entire list, click here.

Heh. Check out this clip from Oprah’s commencement address at Duke University. “It’s great to have a nice home. It’s great to have nice homes! It’s great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara,” she told the students. “It’s great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you.”

But she also emphasizes that her greatest joy in life is being able to help others.

That, and the private jet.

Hey, Oprah, I have a thought: Maybe you could buy me a private jet? That way you’d be helping others and I’d have a private jet. And every couple of months, between trips to the Cayman Islands, I would use my private jet to go pick up Lindsay Lohan from a bar and drop her off at rehab. And then I would pick up Paris Hilton from her house and drop her off in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. See how many people would be helped?

No, Oprah did not go into her local Kentucky Fried Chicken and rip tables and booths in half with her bare hands in a fit of extra tasty crispy fried chicken-craving rage… Although I wish she had.

On last Tuesday’s Oprah show, the would-be saint announced a deal she had partnered with KFC to promote. Customers and Oprah devotees could download a coupon and bring it into KFC for a free two piece meal of their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken (a product whose slogan should be “Kentucky GRILLED Chicken? What’s the Point?”).

The promotion was originally supposed to run through May 19th, but it seems like the chicken pluckers underestimated the Oprah effect. Similar to the butterfly effect, the Oprah effect mandates that if Oprah flaps her underarm fat in a field in Africa, blindly devoted wildebeests American consumers will stampede to buy whatever product she’s currently promoting and a giant thunderstorm will brew inside KFCs all across North America.

The overwhelming response to the promotion–which included long lines and clashes between tired employees and hungry customers– has led KFC to put the free meal deal on temporary hiatus. Customers can bring in their free meal coupon and fill out a form to receive a new coupon in the mail which they can redeem for a free meal and a free Pepsi at a later date. I love the video above because the PR team directed KFC president Roger Eaton to sound really excited and happy when he says “We can’t redeem your free coupon at this time!” Yaaay! I suspect that might not even be the real President of KFC. I think he’s a plant, because the PR people understand that almost anything sounds like a good idea when it’s being said by a happy, excited Aussie.

If you don’t feel like filling out a voucher and waiting for your new free chicken coupon to show up in the mail, you can just go into El Pollo Loco, who is capitalizing on KFC’s gaffe by promising to honor KFC’s coupon for free chicken– on Mother’s Day no less. What better way to thank your mother for squeezing you out of her vagina and selflessly putting up with decades of your crap than by taking her to El Pollo Loco for some free coupon chicken?

Beefy Saint Oprah, friend to absolutely positively everyone in the entire universe as long as they hold her personal belief system, spent a large part of her night hanging with First Lady Michelle Obama last evening at Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World dinner.  I actually find it surprising that the centerpiece survived and wasn’t consumed in the wake of O’s feeding time.  And yes, I am aware that my yet-to-be-written book now has no chance of being Oprah’s Book of the Month Club pick-I’m at peace with it.

Oprah’s minions were there such as Suze Chiclets Orman and Gayle King.  Also, all the wenches from The View appeared amongst the sea of black dresses as well as Claire Danes, Jimmy Fallon and his wife in yet another sleeveless dress, Kate Hudson and two other names that I’ve just been dying to put next to one another:  Billie Jean King and Ann Coulter.