I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t own rosary beads.  I don’t observe religious holidays and I inwardly groan when I get a wedding invite and realize that it means I’ll have to sit through an entire mass.  How.Ev.Er.  I believe that God exists and he does answer prayers.  Today, I have proof.

Today, Oprah is expected to announce that she’s ending her show.  After 25 interminably fucking long years, it will finally be over in 2011.  This has been like suffering through the world’s longest colonoscopy.

I was rejoicing about this good news on Facebook when a few people tried to take the shine off my elation by pointing out that O will just be moving her show to her long-awaited — and I’d like to personally meet the people who are waiting for this — Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).  Yeah, I don’t care about that.  As long as I keep out of the high 200’s when I’m channel surfing, I should be okay in avoiding her.

Can you even imagine what this new OWN is going to be like?  If you suffer from depression, low self-esteem, have suicidal tendencies or are just having a bad day, STAY AWAY FROM OPRAH’S NEW NETWORK!  Because Oprah is awesome.  And almighty.  And living her highest and most purposeful life.  We simple commoners cannot possibly understand such complex concepts that are discussed on O as evidenced by Oprah constantly taking the words of her guests, chewing them up and serving them pureed style to her apparently idiotic audience (”Do you get that, people?  What she’s saying is that her husband cheated on her, but she’s choosing to move on.”)

Personally, I’m glad that O is waddling off into the sunset.  I hope she finds tons, and I do mean tons, of success at her new network.  Anything to keep her off the main stations where I could accidentally come in contact with her when I’m desperately searching for Full House reruns.

Oprah doesn’t like sharing her magazine cover.  It’s not one of her favorite things.  She’s only ever shared with Michelle Obama before this December’s issue.  After Ellen Degeneres’ aggressive campaigning, she appears with Big O on not one, but two covers.

I love Ellen, even if I don’t understand her love of all things O.  You know what else I don’t love?  Oprah’s constant yammering about living her authentic self.  Just how many whacks of Photoshop’s warp brush tool do you think O’s saddlebags were treated to?  Even in discussing the shoot, Oprah said “When Ellen arrived at the photo shoot for our cover, I didn’t have to ask her how she was doing: it showed on her face.  She radiated the kind of peace and satisfaction that comes only when you’re living at your highest potential.”  I wish I could get five minutes with Oprah to ask if she’s living at her highest potential or is she just edited to appear that way.

A flight attendant who worked on Oprah’s private jet is now suing her, claiming that she was fired over false allegations. Corrine Gehrls, says that two of Oprah’s other flight attendants, Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus (Bumpus happens to be Gayle King’s daughter and Oprah’s goddaughter), accused her of having sex with the pilot while all the passengers (including Oprah and King) were passed out on board after ingesting sleeping pills.

Both the pilot and Gehrls passed polygraph tests regarding the situation, but were not rehired, which seems slightly unfair to them. What would be fair? The 75,000 dollars she’s seeking from Gooch, Bumpus and Harpo Inc, Oprah’s production company.

Frankly, it sounds like Gayle’s daughter is trying to pull some weight due to a personal grudge and I wouldn’t be surprised if she made the whole thing up because she was sure it would infuriate Oprah enough to make her can both employees. What’s unfortunate is that two people, who have proven their innocence through a freakin’ lie detector test, that their names are personally and professionally marred by this accusation and that Oprah can’t see the light here, so to speak.

I caught a brief article through the AP about a flick featuring Mariah Carey as a social worker. It’s called Precious, and it’s produced by Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey, and the director’s first choice for Mariah’s role was Helen Mirren. When she dropped out, Lee Daniels called on Mariah — who is 25 years younger than Helen — to play the role. He trusted Mariah’s acting skills, but he didn’t want a diva showing up on set to play a humble role. “If you come with a strip of makeup on,” he told her, “I will have a backup (actress).”

The article went on to say that Mariah’s performance in the film — which hits theaters November 6 — has garnered high praise from critics. I was VERY curious to see exactly how Mariah had slipped into a role imagined for Helen Freakin’ Mirren, so I checked out the trailer on YouTube. It’s above. I have to admit, not only does Mariah seem to be doing a great job, but the whole movie looks absolutely brilliant and touching and very human, and I can’t wait to see it. A far cry from Glitter, Mariah. (Although I still think of that Eminem diss track every time I hear your name these days.)

Have I mentioned how glad I am that Whitney Houston is back on the scene?  Sure, her voice is shot, but hopefully with vocal training it can be restored.  Other than the iconic voice, — and yes, Whitney Houston has earned the term “iconic”.  Are you listening, Mischa? — the singer is also just brutally straightforward.  That’s why, I’m really hopeful that there’s some truth to The National Enquirer article that claims Houston called Oprah out for being a liar.

Insiders say bad blood has been simmering between the superstars for years over Whitney’s struggle with drugs – and their secret feud exploded off camera when the pop diva angrily blasted Oprah as a liar!

“Whitney knew Oprah’s show could help her clean up her tarnished image after years of drug use and her troubled marriage to Bobby Brown – and Oprah knew the interview could help her sagging TV ratings,” says an insider.

“But Whitney felt Oprah needed her more than she needed Oprah. Whitney was contacted by various media outlets vying for the ‘big get’ interview with her during her comeback campaign.”

Whitney, 46, had her pick of the litter, but chose Oprah because she wanted to appeal to her viewers and knew that if Oprah pushed her too far during the interview

she was going to push back and expose some of Oprah’s own secrets!

“Whitney will never forget that when she was down and out, Oprah wanted NOTHING to do with her,” an insider told The ENQUIRER.

And THAT pissed-off Whitney to no end . . .

The online article doesn’t get into the specifics that led to the outburst — gotta save something for the print edition! — but I definitely felt that Whitney was a little snippy with Oprah during that interview last week.

Oprah’s ratings continue to slip despite high-profile interviews such as Houston’s and today’s sit-down with Mackenzie Phillips.  She’s getting rid of that live Friday format in an effort to shake things up.  Getting rid of the panel discussions means that she canned Mark Conseulos, thus removing my one last reason for watching.

Monday on Oprah, Jon Hamm — I’m sure his last name got Oprah all excited and January Jones of Mad Men will have the pleasure of beiing guests of Saint Potatohead.  Of course, O will have the set decorated just like the 1960’s show and The Jersey Boys are the musical guests, because she’s all authentic like that.

Have you ever noticed that Oprah likes to make everything about Oprah?  They’ll be playing a game of guessing what Oprah’s Favorite Things would have been if it existed in the ’60s.  Any guesses?  Feel free to add to my list:

Fondue

Skippy Peanut Butter with Bacon Bits (yes, that magic did exist)

Fondue

That’s all I’ve got.

Yeah, you read that right. $1 trillion-with-a-T. Here’s the story:

In an intellectual property case filed July 31 with the US District Court in Washington, D.C. author Damon Lloyd Goffe of the Bronx, New York is suing the talk show titan and her production company Harpo, Inc for damages he claims to be worth $1 trillion.

In the legal papers, Goffe says that “in April 2008 Oprah confessed to seizing original works of authorship” and published on the internet the first draft of his work “A Tome of Poetry” under another title “Pieces of My Soul.”

The claimant says the website in question is no longer live.

The suit also alleges Oprah sold over 650 million editions of the work online for $20 a copy which “calculates for 1.2 trillion dollars!”

Look, I don’t know whether Oprah stole this work or not, but I have a great deal of trouble believing even Oprah sold 650 million editions of anything for any amount of money, let alone $20. For comparison’s sake, just over 300 million people are currently living in the U.S. So this implies that Oprah got over twice the U.S. to buy an online book for $20. Even pre-recession, that’s insane and would never happen. I’d be surprised if the Bible sold more than 650 million copies last year. Stupid lawsuit, moving on now.