O.J. Simpson has filed an appeal of his conviction with the state of Nevada.  He whined that there wasn’t a fair representation of race on his jury, and that there were problems with judicial misconduct and errors in sentencing.

In other news, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman have also filed an appeal, seeking a second chance at their lives.  They claim they were unfairly treated when slashed to death by O.J., left on a doorstep and they also claim that the jury members who let O.J. go in 1995 were all on crack.

Get my point, O.J.?  Armed robbery in a hotel room is the least of the reasons why you are sitting in a cell right now.  Justice is the name of the game –enjoy.

O.J. Simpson’s lady isn’t standing by her man.  Since he started serving his thirty-three year sentence in December, Christie Prody moved from their Miami home to Fargo, North Dakota.  I’m willing to bet that dealing with deadly floods is more appealing than living with a murderer.  I mean, I don’t want to say that shacking up with O.J. Simpson qualifies as hard living, but his girlfriend was only twenty-nine when this picture was taken.  Aged.

According to the Enquirer, when O.J. found out that Prody is now knocked up by some new dude, he freaked his freak.  One of those famous “inside sources” claims that Simpson kept placing collect calls to Christie in which he screamed and generally flipped out, wondering how she could do this to him.

I’m sorry, but Christie Prody needs to go into the Ex-Girlfriend of a Murdering Athlete Protection Program and not come out until O.J.’s severed head is brought to her doorstep.

Do you like my prison lingo?

Do you see how cool I am?

I know phrases like “gen pop” because I grew up in the hood and all my friends were thugs and we periodically enrolled in prison.

No I’m kidding. I don’t know how I know that. I probably heard it in a rap song. Or, like, one of those Discovery Channel shows about prisons that I so adore.

Anyway, OJ Simpson’s not getting anally raped just yet. He’s being held in his own cell and separated from the rest of the evildoers.

“You don’t know who might take a pot shot at Mr. Simpson,” said Suzanne Pardee, a spokeswoman for the Nevada Department of Corrections, who stressed the separation is routine procedure for all new inmates.

Simpson, 61, sentenced Friday to at least nine years for armed robbery and kidnapping, is currently at the medium-security High Desert State Prison, 40 minutes north of Las Vegas.

The ex-football star is undergoing three weeks of medical and psychological testing to determine which of the seven Nevada prisons he’ll be permanently placed.

Wait, let me get this straight: the government spends THREE WEEKS attempting to help convicted felons wind up in the prison that’ll be the best fit for them?

Ummmmm … would it really be so hard to set up a similar system for our nation’s school children?

It would probably save you some of the prison-testing money in the long run, dudes.

And here’s the judge handing him his ass:

FUCK. YES.

Orenthal James Simpson was sentenced today to at least fifteen years in the slammer for his hotel armed robbery after a judge rejected his apology and said, “It was much more than stupidity.”

The 61-year-old football Hall of Famer stood shackled and stone-faced when Judge Jackie Glass quickly rattled off his punishment soon after he made a rambling, five-minute plea for leniency, choking back tears as he told her: “I didn’t want to steal anything from anyone. … I’m sorry, sorry.”

The judge said several times that her sentence in the Las Vegas case had nothing to do with Simpson’s 1994 acquittal in the slaying of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman.

“I’m not here to try and cause any retribution or any payback for anything else,” Glass said.

Simpson was immediately led away to prison after the judge refused to permit him to go free on bail while he appeals.

Outside court, Goldman’s father, Fred Goldman, and sister, Kim, said they were thrilled with the sentence.

“There’s never closure. Ron is always gone. What we have is satisfaction that this monster is where he belongs behind bars,” Fred Goldman said.

Good riddance, OJ.

The Juice is going to the slammer … probably for the rest of his life.

A Nevada judge denied O.J. Simpson’s bid for a new trial on Friday, saying his lawyers’ arguments weren’t strong enough for a new hearing.

Clark County District Judge Jackie Glass also denied requests to release him on bail before his December 5 sentencing.

Rot in prison, jackass.

I know I am just an irreverant wiseass with a laptop but I feel am very serious about this.  I hope and pray that he is the premier ankle grabbing love bitch of his cell block.

The O.J. Simpson sports-memorabilia case has concluded testimony and has been handed over to the jury.

Quote of the week goes to Clark County District Attorney David Roger in his closing arguments: “In the state of Nevada, we are a civilized society.” Thanks for clearing that up, Champ. Because I did some things a couple years ago in the bathroom of rumjungle that left the civility of Nevada a little murky for me. Not, like, O.J.-Simpson-would-be-justified-in-stealing-sports-memorabilia-from-me murky. Just, like, it’s-gonna-hurt-to-pee-tomorrow murky.

Simpson and his co-defendent, Clarence Stewart, face life sentences if convicted.

Oh, please, Lord, I don’t ask for much, and you totally failed on the pony thing, so it would be really awesome if O.J. could go to jail forever for this sort of dumbass shit after being acquitted of double homicide.

Heh, how do you go about finding an unbiased jury for another O.J. Simpson trial?

You don’t, really, unless you’re going to start combing the local elementary schools (actually, I just did the math and realized the high schools would be fine, too, and that makes me feel exceedingly old), but a Las Vegas courtroom settled on twelve men and women to oversee the upcoming Simpson trial. He’s being charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, conspiracy and other charges related to an alleged sports memorabilia heist that OJ’s accused of masterminding last year. Because, ya know, he’s a really good decision-maker and not at all impulsive. The kidnapping charge alone could land him a life sentence in prison.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If O.J. Simpson gets away with a double murder and, nearly fifteen years later, goes to prison for life for trying to steal some sports plaques out of a hotel room, my head will explode. Just explode.

OJ Simpson was dressed for the golf course rather than the slammer as he arrived at McCarran airport in Las Vegas because his bail was revoked. He was removed from the plane once it hit the tarmac and taken off to jail in a black SUV.

He’ll have another bail hearing on January 16.

This guy is such a freakin’ moron.

Image via Splash

Because he should be, that’s why.

Because he’s motherfucking crazy.

OJ was ordered to have no contact (direct, indirect, via third parties, or even via “passenger pigeon” — I’m not kidding, it’s in the court transcript) with his fellow defendants, but he left a message with his bail bondsman, directing him to relay a message to one of them. The message was as follows:

“Hey Miguel, It’s me … I just want, want CJ [co-defendant Clarence Stewart] to know that the whole thing all the time he was tellin’ me that shit, ya know, I hope he was telling me the truth don’t be trying to change the mother fucking shit now, mother fucking assholes I’m tired of this shit. Fed up with mother fuckers changing what they told me, alright?”

So, even though none of that makes any sense, it counts as indirect contact via a third party, and OJ’s going back to jail for violating the court’s orders. Also, I think we’ve finally found someone who cusses with more frequency than I. That’s nice.

Just in time for the porn convention!