We all have our own version of what a perfect world is.  In my edition, every rom-com actress would be put on a boat and shipped out to a far and distant land where every female cast member from The Hills would greet them at the shore.  Oh, and Jon Gosselin and Octomom are married and raise their 22 kids (did I do that math right?) together in the only infrastructure that could house them all — the Staples Center.

Sure, it may sound outlandish.  And the boat would never actually arrive at it’s destination before everyone would jump overboard just to escape Julia Roberts’ braying, but here is where reality is giving me the biggest smile I’ve had since The Beautiful Life got cancelled:  Octomom actually has a crush on Jon Gosselin.  (I almost typed “crust” instead of “crush” and I think either word works.)  Radar even has her admission on film.  Oh, God … please let this happen.  Jon and Nadya Plus 22 doesn’t sound too catchy, but I think with a little bit of imagination, we could come up with something great.  Mass O’ Massengills? Octodouche?

Ah, it’s the commentary we’ve all been waiting for.  Octo-Mom finally speaks out about what a totalfamewhore Kate Gosselin is.  There is nothing so ironic as one clown car uterus criticizing another clown car uterus.  You can see the video here and it’s really worth watching if only to see Octo say “Histreeeeooonic….histreeeeoooonic…..histreeeeooooonic.”  I’m more convinced than ever that Nadya Suleman’s best retort while under attack consists of some version of, “I know you are, but what am I?”

Octo-Mom is looking pretty good these days.  I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it’s true.

Yes, it’s true.  We’ve all been waiting for this, and now the time has come.  The video of Octo-mom giving birth is on the market for some obscene seven-digit figure.  Now, you think a standard birthing video is sick?  Just wait until you see c-section footage with eight babies being yanked out of Nadya Suleman’s octomen.

Now, listen.  If there is some multi-millionaire out there who has the bucks to buy this sin against all that is sane in the world, can you please take the million bucks and buy a house for these kids instead?  Maybe part of the purchase agreement could include an immediate destroying of the video and all copies.

Listen, in random conversation with people, I’ve said that the Octo-Mom is nuts.  Intentionally having more than four fourteen children is a clear cut sign of mental illness.  No psychological evaluation needed.  But now I realize, she’s actually nuts.  In video released on Radar Online, the baby factory goes head to head with her mom, Octo-Gram.

Nadya Suleman appears genuinely astonished at her mother’s perspective and possesses a debate strategy that doesn’t extend beyond screaming “Use them or destroy them,” and “You can’t go back and ring a bell,” over and over again.  Suleman’s mother, Angela, feels that Octo-Mom was irresponsible in choosing to be implanted with six embryos when she had six tax deductions already.

I know some media reports were claiming that Suleman wanted to look like Angelina Jolie, but I think she was aiming for Mickey Rourke.  And succeeded.

Octo-Mom, Nadya Suleman, is about to be homeless.  The three bedroom, one bath house in Whittier California is up for foreclosure.  The owner, Angela Suleman or Octo-Gram, hasn’t made any payments on the home since May of 2008 and currently owes $23,224.98 in back payments. Angela filed for bankruptcy last year after selling another home, valued at $615,000 for $369,000.

Angela’s husband, Ed, is appearing on the February 24th episode of Oprah to tell the story from his perspective.

I’m worried about all these babies.  Where are all these people going to go?  I don’t think they even make cardboard boxes large enough to fit such a massive brood.

They need a television series, product endorsement deal or private donor.  Oprah, goddess of everything that walks the planet, needs to write Octo-Pop a check!

You can have so much fun with hypenated Octo names.

Didn’t baby factory, Nadya Suleman, tell us that she refused to accept welfare?  Yeah, she totally lied.  She gets $490 a month in food stamps.  Even her mouthpiece knows it’s bullshit.  Suleman’s spokesperson, Michael Furtney explained, “In her view these are just payments made for people with legitimate needs and are not, in her view, welfare.  She just believes that there are programs for people with needs and she and her children qualify for some of them.” Yes, such programs for people with needs do exist.  Those programs are called welfare.

So, listen.  I have nothing against welfare programs.  Sometimes people need help; every child needs a meal.  What I do get pissed about is this:  if you can’t afford to feed six kids, why go get implanted with eight more?