This weekend, I am living in the past.

Last night, by a strange twist of fate, I ended up at the Happy Days off Broadway musical, where I spent a few hours trying to figure out whether they were making fun of Happy Days or celebrating it, and consequently, trying to decide whether I wanted to stay till the end of the show or just leave and go get blindingly drunk at a nearby bar. I could never decide– I don’t think the cast could either. All I know is  that through two and a half hours of lyrics like “I’ll take you dancing on the moon,” no one jumped a single freaking  shark, and that’s just plain annoying.

Later today, I’ll be going to see a Star Trek movie based on the original series, which is something I haven’t done since 1991.

All this retro craziness began Friday morning when the New Kids on the Block performed “Hangin’ Tough” on the Today Show to a crowd of screaming women and gay men–just like old times. I watched this and had instantaneous post traumatic flashbacks of the first concert I ever went to, which was, of course, a NKOTB concert. I went with my friend Yari, who got so excited when they came on stage that she choked me until I blacked out. We were in the third grade.

I was always a Jon girl, and it’s nice to see that, like Harison Ford in that Tomb scene at the end of Last Crusade, I have chosen wisely. He’s aged well and doesn’t reek of having pickled his liver in pills and booze the way the rest of them have… with the exception of Jordan. Jordan seems like his addictions would trend more towards Botox and oxygen bars.

Oh, and Danny still looks like a monkey.

Well, got to go tease my bangs, put on my new Roos, and head out to Topkapi so I can buy some new slap bracelets.

I’m watching American Idol tonight, and maybe this is due to my burgeoning Ambien problem, but every time they showed Scott MacIntyre’s face in that dark leather jacket I just thought to myself “They needed this guy for NKOTB.” I mean, look at him! Eyebrows, jawline, vacant stare. He fits right in. Actually, he looks specifically a lot like Joey McIntyre, now that I think about it. And now that I think about it even harder, has anyone actually seen Joey McIntyre lately? In the same place as Scott MacIntyre???

Hmmm.

I’m still a little bit high on Paula’s use of the word “legato,” which is how she referred to Scott’s performance. Hang on a sec, let me get you the exact definition of “legato” as it pertains to vocal performance: “a string of sustained vowels with minimal interruption from consonants.” Ohhhh, Paula. I know now why you like this word. You get a similar definition when you look up the side effects of long-term Xanax abuse.