• Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner finally make out in public. Okay, so, now that this happened, can someone please explain to me who Brody Jenner is?
• This Page Six tidbit focuses on how Tom Hanks’ first wife basically made him out to be Satan in pre-divorce legal filings (Really? In divorce proceedings? She had negative things to say? I really hope someone thought to write a whole book about this. Someone did? Oh good.), but I’m more interested in the last paragraph, which implies that Tom jacked the Forrest Gump character from a role his brother Jim played in a soft porn flick two years earlier. In fact, Jim’s IMDB profile says that he was his brother’s “running double” in the film that won Hanks an Oscar. Eeeeenteresting.
• It turns out that whole “six degrees of separation” thing wasn’t really based “scientifically” or on “thorough analysis of research results.” See? I told you. You cannot go from Jonathan Taylor Thomas to Treat Williams in six steps. It just can’t be done.
• Remember when David Gest and Liza Minelli got married, and we all rejoiced, knowing that, no matter what, we were in for years and years of comedic gold? Man, were we ever right. This week, Gest wants their prenup set aside, because Liza is herpetic, alcoholic and abusive. Awesome.
• Dakota Fanning does her very best “Russian hostage chic” for Teen Vogue. Thank goodness the folks at Conde Nast devised a mechanism for getting the Vogue message to even younger women.

Update: Okay, okay. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got this email from one of you. Dave at Maassive would like me to know just how very wrong I am on the JTT->Treat Williams tip. He gets extra points for actually going through Kevin Bacon. Here you go:

Jonathon Taylor Thomas was in Tom & Huck with Brad Renfro
Brad Renfro was in Telling Lies in America with Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon was in Loverboy with Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock was in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous with Treat Williams

Update Update:

You guys just won’t let this go. Okay. Super props to Anna for going through Devon Sawa.

Treat Williams in Hollywood Ending with Woody Allen
Woody Allen in Anything Else with Christina Ricci
Christina Ricci in Now and Then with Devon Sawa
Devon Sawa in Wild America with Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

• Paris Hilton finally gets that elusive DUI. Sorry to those of you who had your money on Lohan. Her spokesperson, Perez Hilton — er, um, Elliot Mintz — says the arrest was “probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued.” During her arrest, Hilton failed to make comments disparaging any particular race or religion, and was released within hours. TMZ has art.
• According to the AP, AmIdol’s Clay Aiken is being considered to be named to the President’s Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday. As if this statement alone isn’t funny enough on so many levels, check out the photo the AP chose to run with the story.

  

• Kristin Cavalleri is whoring around with DJ AM, Nicole Richie’s ex. So you, like, totally don’t care about that whole Brody Jenner thing, right K?
• Lionel Richie lies and says a doctor told him Nicole’s not anorexic. The “doctor” said Nicole’s weight loss was “stress-related” and “due to his divorce from her mother and from all the media attention his daughter gets.” So, you know, anorexia.
• Michelle Tanner really needs to ash that cigarette.

  

• Barbara Walters, E.E. Cummings find Rosie O’Donnell’s blog pretentious, totally unnecessary.
• People reports that “Party of Five’s Jeremy London” got married this weekend. The last time Jeremy London filmed an episode of Party of Five, it was 1997, and you still had a crush on Scott Wolf.
• “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin died this weekend when he was stung by a stingray while filming in Australia. It must be sweeps week.
• Donald Trump: still a raging, misogynistic asshole.
• David Beckham confirms that his wife, Posh Spice, is pregnant again. Hey remember that one time she got trashed at that club in London and there were all those hilarious pictures of it on the Internet? Yeah, that was like 2 weeks ago.
• Nicole Richie’s body has nearly exhausted its “internal organs” supply of sustenance.
• Yeah, I know, you think it’s pretty heartless of me to be making jokes at the expense of Steve Irwin’s recent death and Nicole Richie’s imminent one. And you’re probably right. But you know what? There are more pics of Jessica Alba’s ass. You can’t stay mad at me forever.

…and it is news. Last month, Cavalleri ended her romance with Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner, and since then, Jenner’s been photographed almost daily with Eating Disorder of Malibu Nicole Richie. Cavalleri saves face by courting the photogs in a shirt that says YOU CAN HAVE HIM, which she undoubtedly purchased at Kitson along with her TEAM JOLIE shirt (oh, you would be Team Jolie, wouldn’t you, Kristin? I know you.) According to Us Weekly’s source, Kristin “has had that shirt forever and finally had a reason to wear it.”

Hey Kristin: I have this shirt that says “Asexuality: It’s Not Just for Amoebas Anymore.” If I give you $50, will you put it on and go have lunch at The Ivy?

• Zach Braff thinks this season of Scrubs will be his last. Hey, you know who could step in as Donald Faison’s replacement love interest? Cacee Cobb! [for those of you spelling-challenged googlers out there: fason, casey, cob, kasey, KC, casee, fison, feson, faizon]
• Nicole Richie walks into a bar. Stop the well-endowed singer of the Spores if you’ve heard this one before…
• Need to kick-start a buzz for the eight billionth season of your tiresome island-based reality show? Try racism!
• Tom Cruise officially too stupid for the studio that greenlit Nacho Libre.