Congrats to Nicole Richie and her uterus, which is currently growing a small penis. (It has a person attached to it, too, but isn’t that all men really are anyway? Penises with bodies attached? Or is that the kind of thinking that results in me being eternally single?)

“Joel bought water-based paint for the nursery and — surprise, surprise — it’s blue,” says a pal of the couple, who adds that Nicole refers to the baby as “he.” “Plus, she recently ordered some plush animals and infant toys from FAO Schwarz, and everything just happens to be blue.”

Ya know, my mom had a thing about baby colors. She didn’t want me to feel like I had to associate my gender with any limitations, color being one of them. So she tried to use neutrals or mixes of color in my room. In fact, the mobile above my cradle was made of tin foil dolls. There was Mrs. Tin Foil and Mr. Tin Foil and baby Tin Foil. Although they didn’t really have gender identifiers, so I suppose they could just as well have been Mr. and Mr. Tin Foil and the Tin Foil baby they had through a surrogate. Thank you, Mom, for the open-mindedness you instilled in me as a child. It basically worked, except now I have this overpowering need to marry a man made of tin foil.

Nicole shows off her growing baby bump after she grabs some Starbucks in LA. I feel like that bump is getting really big really fast! I’d say that the child is gonna be huge, but since it’s the spawn of Nicole and Joel Madden, two of the smallest people in Hollywood, that’s unlikely to be true.

She sure does make a pretty pregnant lady, doesn’t she?

Nicole Richie — who may or may not have been talking shit to Lindsay Lohan last weekend — took her Starbucks to an appointment today in Hollywood.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — everything I hear about Nicole Richie behind the scenes indicates that she’s not exactly the peaceful earth mother she’d like you to think she is. She’s still got it in her to be a crazy, raging, drunken bitch. It may not be this year, and it may not be next, but at some point you’re going to see a complete Nicole Richie breakdown, and probably an accompanying DUI, possibly with charges of assault involved. And then you can say you knew it was coming because you read it on Evil Beet. Just you watch.

Miz Richie has gone from zero to bump-tastic in what feels like just a week or two!

Nicole was looking stunning, and very preggers, alongside beau Joel Madden at the Esprit store opening in Santa Monica.

Mostly I’m confused about the Esprit store opening. Is this the same brand that I used to wear when I was eight years old? It’s still around? Has anyone actually purchased Esprit clothing recently? Where did this brand go for the past decade?

Nicole told reporters at the event that she’s expanding her already-successful fashion line to include apparel, accessories and footwear.

Nicole Richie seems to have found her groove.  Her jewelry line, House of Harlow 1960, sold out before it hit the stores. Now, in addition to manufacturing a human being, she has another project in the works.

Richie told People, “There will be a maternity line, a clothing line, shoes, belts, everything.”

Hold on just one fucking minute.  It’s being reported like she’s doing just a maternity line but the commas in her statement give me hope that she’s also doing a regular clothing line with accessories.  Because if I find out that there’s such a thing as maternity shoes, someone has to be killed for not telling me.

Nicole Richie, Joel Madden, Ben Affleck and others gathered at a private residence to support EcoMom.  EcoMom focuses on things we can do every day to conserve, reuse and recycle.  Which poses a couple of questions:  1)  How many people showed up at this party driving big SUVs?  2)  How much electricity do you think is consumed at a huge mansion used to host “save our resource” themed parties?  3)  Why were there paper napkins on the tables in the background shots?  For some unknown reason, WireImage pulled these pics down almost immediately; you’ll have to take my word on the disposable paper goods.

Oh, and if you’re one of those people that enjoys stalking preggo bellies, there are a couple of pics of Nicole Richie in the gallery that should satisfy.

Nicole Richie was spotted out and about in LA. Since Joel’s pregnancy announcement everybody’s been waiting to see the first outward sign that she’s actually with child. You can’t see much here, because of her dress, and I don’t think that’s accidental. Nicole’s played this game before and she plays it well. She’ll string it out in loose dresses, obscure vests, and large bags for the next few months to stir the feeding frenzy.

I’m happy for her, of course, but I can’t help but think she looks like a demurely smiling skeleton in these pics.