I know Beet did her best to frighten everyone that we’d all be without Friday entertainment. But we won’t. Because Spiteful Lars is on the case, and I plan on posting like a dervish. I’m talking hot blogging action here, stuff you won’t find on all those other blogs. So let’s start you off with the first story of the day:

Kathy Hilton and daughter Nicky are still reeling from their visits to Paris in jail, they tell PEOPLE.

Smell that? Yep, it’s Paris news, people. And here you thought it was Sulfur mixed with Poo.

“It’s tough. It is,” said Kathy, who saw her daughter on Tuesday. “It’s just one hour a week: 30 minutes on Sunday and 30 minutes on Tuesday. We talk through glass.”

The Sunday/Tuesday thing throws me and makes me think that the jail system doesn’t understand there are seven days in a week. Guys, how about a little Sunday/Wednesday schedule? That way Paris won’t have to go four straight days without some “through glass” loving.

“And this one” – gesturing to Nicky – “left in hysterics,” Kathy added. “Nicky tried to keep the brave face but – I never see Nicky cry.”

Clearly she’s never seen The Notebook with one Ryan Gosling. It’s a horrible movie but girls seem to cry in it. C’mon, Nick, get in touch with that old sensitive side. Nicky added:

“It’s sad. It’s like right out of the movies,” she said. “The glass partition, the orange jumpsuit. Everything.”

So we’ve established that you at least see movies. It’s under “N” in the drama section. Fetch, girl, fetch. Also, please note that the above photo was taken after this traumatic experience. Ahem.

“What’s annoying is all these people are going on television saying that she was drinking and driving,” said Nicky. “She’s not in jail for DUI. That’s a big misconception. She’s in jail for driving on a suspended license, just like the D.A.’s wife was. … She got a $186 fine.”

Well.. I don’t know about that. Isn’t the root of all this the DUI? So if she hadn’t gotten that her license wouldn’t have been suspended ergo she’d still be strolling around Sunset Ave looking for johns? It’s like the butterfly effect theory in action. To take this back even further I blame her being born. You’ve got to admit she wouldn’t be in jail if she didn’t exist in the first place.

“There are no appeals – as Paris said. But the point is that I hope this will shine a light on everybody (in those jails). That’s the positive,” said Kathy. The jails, she said, “need financial help, and it’s very sad to see what’s going on in there.”

You have a billion dollars. Be a buddy and build the Paris Hilton L.A. County Jail. It will be hot!

PS- I won’t be using any “more” jump buttons today because I need to break at least one posting rule while Evil Beet is away.

PPS – Feel free to drunk dial me Beet’s friends, I’m great on the phone. It’s real life that sinks me.

Teri Hatcher had a lunch date with George Bush, Sr. I’m not sure which of them I feel more sorry for. [Faded Youth]

Lance and Reichen had a love that could have lasted a lifetime … if it weren’t for some dude from Real World: Denver. [ICYDK]

Mischa and Cisco had a love that could have lasted a lifetime … if it weren’t for that picture of his gigantic testicles that made the Internet rounds. [Cele|bitchy]

Breaking: Angelina Jolie is thin. [The Bosh]

Yeah, okay, so Tori Spelling’s like 20 months pregnant, but is that really any excuse to look like Kirstie Alley? [The Blog You Love to Hate]

Blah blah blah … Ryan O’Neal … blah blah son drunk … blah blah blah pregnant girlfriend battered … blah blah blah … Gloria Allred? Jesus. [TMZ]

Will Nicky Hilton face actual consequences for her participation in her sister’s bigoted video projects? Maybe. You know who won’t face actual consequences? Paris. Ever. [MollyGood]

Jennifer Aniston leaves an L.A. club through the back door with none other than Kevin Federline. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! [Celebitchy]

Sharon Stone outrages and offends the population of Norway. “Now you know how we feel,” says the population of America. [Perez Hilton]

Pam Anderson got naked in front of a camera, because that’s how she spends her time when she’s not getting married impulsively. [Agent Bedhead]

Since her 2003 arrest for heroin possession, Nicole Richie has apparently lost an inch of height and five pounds. Also, she’s black now. [Mollygood]

Queen Latifah and her girlfriend, trainer Jeanette Jenkins, are reportedly jogging towards splitsville. But, hey, at least she’s jogging. [Bossip]

Paris and Nicky Hilton having an ass-slappin’ good time in the back of a limo. [Egotastic]

Jennifer Lopez is turning to Scientologist pal Leah Remini for tips on how the religion can help her get knocked up. Does Xenu recommend you have a three-man camera crew from VH1 living in your house throughout the process, Leah? [I'm Not Obsessed]

Look, MTV, when you’ve resorted to The Real World: Denver, you can’t exactly expect viewership to soar. Up next: Road Rules: Presidential Libraries. [Pop on the Pop]

Tony Parker caves. [Celebrity Smack]

It is a distant possibility that Nicky Hilton is not particularly involved in the, you know, actual work behind her new line of boutique hotels. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney’s first (55-hour) husband happily cashes in on her recent media prominence, reveals she had a tummy tuck. “No duh,” say six-year-olds nationwide. [Cele|Bitchy]

Pink wears underwear. Unlike some people. [TMZ]

At what point did People magazine get the monopoly on celebrity coming-out stories? Anyway, meet McGay. [Pop on the Pop]

Prince Harry’s new girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, wonders aloud if woolly mammoths are extinct. Their season of Newlyweds is going to rock so hard. [CelebSlam]

The photo shoot theme for this week’s ANTM was “celebrity couples.” Demonstrating the level of taste and subtelty we have come to associate so inextricably with the weekly, hour-long pitch for Tyra Banks’ surely forthcoming magazine, the girl who came out as a lesbian the day before was asked to be — I’m serious — Ellen and Portia di Rossi. [MollyGood]

Nicole Richie prefers to spend her time in restaurants getting laid in the bathroom, mostly because it’s the farthest she can get from the food. [Cele|Bitchy]

Nicky Hilton kicks off publicity for her fashion-centric Miami hotel, Nicky O, with — what else? — full frontal male nudity. There is a joke here to illustrate that nudity has very little to do with fashion, but I am too distracted by penises to think of it. [The Superficial]

Sofia Coppola is expecting a baby girl in December. With any luck, she won’t cast the kid in Lost in Translation 3. [Celebrity Baby Blog]

Paris Hilton avoids the premiere of her new movie, National Lampoon’s Pledge This, because she doesn’t want to be associated with a film that will likely go straight to video. She really could have made that decision much earlier, like when they cast Simon Rex and Randy Spelling. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]