I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this.

Seriously, I’ve been sitting on these pictures all morning like, “I really don’t want to run these. Please let something happen. I really don’t want to have to run these.” But nothing has happened, guys, so I’m sorry.

Here’s Paris and Nicky tooling around Japan. They’re promoting some line of handbags and, tragically, helping to choose the new Miss Japan. Which is totally appropriate, because if anyone’s in a position to select the woman who best represents the culture and background of Japan, it’s someone who thinks a kamikaze is a shot they serve at Les Deux.

In fact, I am so annoyed with this whole story that I almost didn’t notice that Paris is dressed like a 5-year-old on Easter. I mean, there’s fashion-forward, and then there’s pink fucking tights, Paris.

And I like how all the pictures from this event are taken from, like, two feet off the ground, looking up. Are the Japanese really that short?

Okay, I’ll stop now. Back to hunting for stories.

Paris and Nicky Hilton arrive at Narita airport. They’re in Japan to promote Samantha Thavasa handbags.

At least they’re out of the States! They’re your problem now, Asia!!!

Do I even need to spell out this joke?

They’re both skeletons!

A rapidly disappearing Nicky Hilton hit up the Halloween party circuit with boyfriend David Katzenberg.

She looks like Nicole Richie did right before she got really, really bad.

Eat, Nicky! You’re supposed to be the sane Hilton!

WireImage caught some shots of Nicky backstage before the Chick show at LA Fashion Week on Sunday.

Once again, Mommy Hilton and Daddy Hilton were there, but Paris was a no-show. She’ll probably take shit for it again, but I actually think Paris is avoiding Nicky’s shows in order to let the shows be about Nicky.

It looks like a really cute line, to be honest. Girly, flirty, cutesy. I dig it.

Also: has anyone else noticed that Nicky’s lost a ton of weight lately? Her legs are little sticks now.

Nicky Hilton’s fashion line, Nicholai, had its Fashion Week debut on Sunday, but big sis Paris Hilton was absent, choosing instead to attend the VMAs.

Both of Nicky’s parents were there, along with David Katzenberg, Russell Simmons, Bijou Phillips, Jenna Jameson and Brandon Davis, but Paris was nowhere to be seen.

Was Paris just being selfish?

Perhaps she decided to attend the VMAs so that Nicky’s show could be about Nicky, and not about Paris, as anything she comes within 10 miles of tends to be. Maybe — just maybe — Paris was thinking of someone else.

I know Beet did her best to frighten everyone that we’d all be without Friday entertainment. But we won’t. Because Spiteful Lars is on the case, and I plan on posting like a dervish. I’m talking hot blogging action here, stuff you won’t find on all those other blogs. So let’s start you off with the first story of the day:

Kathy Hilton and daughter Nicky are still reeling from their visits to Paris in jail, they tell PEOPLE.

Smell that? Yep, it’s Paris news, people. And here you thought it was Sulfur mixed with Poo.

“It’s tough. It is,” said Kathy, who saw her daughter on Tuesday. “It’s just one hour a week: 30 minutes on Sunday and 30 minutes on Tuesday. We talk through glass.”

The Sunday/Tuesday thing throws me and makes me think that the jail system doesn’t understand there are seven days in a week. Guys, how about a little Sunday/Wednesday schedule? That way Paris won’t have to go four straight days without some “through glass” loving.

“And this one” – gesturing to Nicky – “left in hysterics,” Kathy added. “Nicky tried to keep the brave face but – I never see Nicky cry.”

Clearly she’s never seen The Notebook with one Ryan Gosling. It’s a horrible movie but girls seem to cry in it. C’mon, Nick, get in touch with that old sensitive side. Nicky added:

“It’s sad. It’s like right out of the movies,” she said. “The glass partition, the orange jumpsuit. Everything.”

So we’ve established that you at least see movies. It’s under “N” in the drama section. Fetch, girl, fetch. Also, please note that the above photo was taken after this traumatic experience. Ahem.

“What’s annoying is all these people are going on television saying that she was drinking and driving,” said Nicky. “She’s not in jail for DUI. That’s a big misconception. She’s in jail for driving on a suspended license, just like the D.A.’s wife was. … She got a $186 fine.”

Well.. I don’t know about that. Isn’t the root of all this the DUI? So if she hadn’t gotten that her license wouldn’t have been suspended ergo she’d still be strolling around Sunset Ave looking for johns? It’s like the butterfly effect theory in action. To take this back even further I blame her being born. You’ve got to admit she wouldn’t be in jail if she didn’t exist in the first place.

“There are no appeals – as Paris said. But the point is that I hope this will shine a light on everybody (in those jails). That’s the positive,” said Kathy. The jails, she said, “need financial help, and it’s very sad to see what’s going on in there.”

You have a billion dollars. Be a buddy and build the Paris Hilton L.A. County Jail. It will be hot!

PS- I won’t be using any “more” jump buttons today because I need to break at least one posting rule while Evil Beet is away.

PPS - Feel free to drunk dial me Beet’s friends, I’m great on the phone. It’s real life that sinks me.

Teri Hatcher had a lunch date with George Bush, Sr. I’m not sure which of them I feel more sorry for. [Faded Youth]

Lance and Reichen had a love that could have lasted a lifetime … if it weren’t for some dude from Real World: Denver. [ICYDK]

Mischa and Cisco had a love that could have lasted a lifetime … if it weren’t for that picture of his gigantic testicles that made the Internet rounds. [Cele|bitchy]

Breaking: Angelina Jolie is thin. [The Bosh]

Yeah, okay, so Tori Spelling’s like 20 months pregnant, but is that really any excuse to look like Kirstie Alley? [The Blog You Love to Hate]

Blah blah blah … Ryan O’Neal … blah blah son drunk … blah blah blah pregnant girlfriend battered … blah blah blah … Gloria Allred? Jesus. [TMZ]

Will Nicky Hilton face actual consequences for her participation in her sister’s bigoted video projects? Maybe. You know who won’t face actual consequences? Paris. Ever. [MollyGood]