Holy smokes!  Can someone please fly to Tokyo where Nicky Hilton is promoting her clothing line and cram about 17 sashimi rolls down her gullet?  I always have a skewed idea of people’s actual weight, but Nicky’s gotta be weighing in at about 105 pounds, no?  Seriously, be a hero, feed a Hilton!

While Paris Hilton’s “true love” relationships seem to have a shelf life of six months, lil’ sis Nicky has been quietly and steadily dating David Katzenberg for nearly two years. Which is, as it turns out, a more effective way to prove that your love is the real thing than wearing a t-shirt that says so.

Nicky and David spent time frolicking on the beach in Malibu together this weekend.

This has to be a publicity stunt.  For the past few nights since her tragic breakup, Paris Hilton has been seen in various nightclubshanging out with Cristiano Ronoldo — he’s some hot soccer player — and there have been reports of them heading to Nicky Hilton’s home afterwards.  She cannot already have a new boyfriend.  There must be a 48-hour-waiting period between penises.  It’s a rule.

Here’s Paris with her sister, stumbling around outside MyHouse in Los Angeles last night.

I hope Paris finds “the one.”  You know, the guy that can accept her, genital warts and all.  (I take no credit for that.  Those words came directly out of the mouth of — gasp!– my mother.  You see where I get it from.) 

Now, when I said she looked like a box of popcorn, obviously I meant the fat-free variety.  The very bony Nicky Hilton attended the 14th Annual Los Angeles Antiques Show opening last night, appearing in desperate need of a calorie.

Nick Lachey was also there with girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo.  Does this put to rest the rumors that she was hanging all over 90210 actor Matt Lanter the night before?  I say “NO!” based on the couple’s body language.  Nothing says “impending breakup” like a jaw clamped shut as tightly as Miley Cyrus’ kneecaps.

“Actress” Shiva Rose was there.  I consider this woman about one step away from a miracle worker.  Not only did she manage to stay married in Hollywood (to Dylan McDermott) for more than a decade before her marriage imploded, she divorced with…wait for it…no lawyers on either side.  Amazing!

Hilary Swank appeared with her agent and boyfriend John Campisi.  I’m sorry, but he looks like Chad Lowe.  Doesn’t he?  Oh, the soft spot she has for a receding hairline, large forehead and weak chin.

Finally, Chris Klein was there.  Boy, he looks so familiar.  It’s almost like there’s someone in Hollywood who has that same face.  Who could it be? *cough*SuriCruise*cough*

Nicky Hilton hosts a party at Prive inside the Planet Hollywood Casino in Las Vegas.

Does that dress look familiar? It should.

First she’s hanging out at the IHOP at 5am and making citizen arrests and now she’s gettin her poker face on at The 7th Annual World Poker Tour Invitational.

Who is this person? 

Also at the Invitational were the likes of Benji Madden, Jennifer Tilly, Shanna Moakler, Don Cheadle (whom inexplicably appears to be wearing a turtleneck), William Hung (nice to see he’s still getting invitations) and Daniel Baldwin. Mandatory positive: Daniel has very pretty eyes. 

Don’t mess with Nicky Hilton!

After being pushed to the ground by a homeless person at a West Hollywood IHOP at 5 a.m. Saturday morning, the heiress made a citizen’s arrest, Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Steve Whitmore confirms to Usmagazine.com.

“One of our deputies was at the IHOP, having a coffee break, and noticed a waitress run outside because there was a commotion,” Whitmore tells Us. Another deputy was then called “because there was a misdemeanor battery that involved Nicky Hilton and a man named Michael Broadhurst,” adds the spokesman.

The 50-year-old homeless person “came up behind Ms. Hilton and pushed her. She’s OK, but she was desirous of prosecution. She said, ‘I am placing you under citizen’s arrest!’”

Whitmore says it was a dual effort by both Hilton and the two deputies to arrest Broadhurst, who will appear in court April 21 …

“It is my understanding that she is OK,” Whitmore tells Us. “A battery is just an unwanted touching.

I have three things to say here:

1) What was Nicky doing at a WeHo IHOP at 5 am?
2) How does one actually make a citizens arrest?
3) Have you guys seen the photoshopped pic of Taylor Hanson sucking a cock? It’s making its way around the Internet, and it HILARIOUS. Also it is way more interesting than this stupid Nicky Hilton story. Check it out here.

Here are some shots of Paris at her much-hyped NYE party in Australia for The Bongo Virus, which appears to be some sort of online social networking tool — one that, I assume, will be reporting a loss for 2008. Maybe this shit is a bigger deal in Australia (anyone who lives there ever heard of it?), but I don’t even want to know what they paid Paris and Nicky Hilton to show up there on New Year’s Eve. Oh, and the party was an “online” party, so you could actually pay to attend the party via the Internet. Dude, if you’re that damn set on drinking at home alone, go to an AA meeting, not an Internet party.

Anyway.

This whole thing just seems so ridiculous to me.

What’s the buzz like in Australia?

Oh, H&M, how I love thee. Home of the $8 sweater and the $20 pair of jeans. Home of racks and racks of cheap clothing that would have looked positively awesome on me when I was 14, before I had breasts and hips and body fat to take into account.

So I’m thrilled to see celebs like Nicky Hilton and Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton show up to celebrate some manner of dumb holiday promotion at H&M, even though we all know that the outfit Nicole Richie is wearing right now retails for more than the entire second floor.

Also there: Mena Suvari, Jamie Lynn Sigler, Ryan Cabrera, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mandy Moore, Jessica Stroup and Garcelle Beauvais.

Nicky Hilton celebrated her 25th birthday at PURE Nightclub last night with Paris, David Katzenberg and Benji Madden.  She’s obviously on the three Tic Tags and a Diet Pepsi a day regime.  Also, Paris’ brown eyes turned blue again and Benji Madden looks alternately afraid of and uninterested in Paris .

Paris and Nicky Hilton paint the town pink on Sunday night in Malibu.

And I included the second photo because it really does look like a single one of Paris’s feet is like twice the size of her head and her huge boat feet make me laugh. I bet if there were plastic surgery to get your feet made smaller, Paris Hilton would do it. I bet Paris looks at pictures of those little girls in Asia with the bound feet and is all like, “OMG those girls are soooo lucky. I wish someone had done that for me.”

So, yeah, Nicky Hilton’s spring collection hit the runway last night, and it’s all good and well that she’s creating a viable career and working hard at something that actually contributes something substantial to our culture as a whole, but forget all that: let’s talk about her eating disorder.

“There’s no truth to any starvation, eating disorders, rumors,” she told People magazine at her show last night. “I think the press has been printing a lot of pictures of me from unflattering angles … My friends see the pictures and they’re like ‘Oh my god are you okay?’ And then they see me, and they’re like ‘Oh … ‘ It’s really not that interesting or true.”

I know I’m a part of the Big Bad Media Machine, but I have to look at this and laugh. I’m sure Nicky’s busted her butt creating this line, but the story we all want to write is about her potential eating disorder. We’re all so disturbed.

Oh, and also, Nicky: the angles that make you look anorexic? Most celebs would consider those the flattering angles, my dear.