Holy smokes!  Can someone please fly to Tokyo where Nicky Hilton is promoting her clothing line and cram about 17 sashimi rolls down her gullet?  I always have a skewed idea of people’s actual weight, but Nicky’s gotta be weighing in at about 105 pounds, no?  Seriously, be a hero, feed a Hilton!

While Paris Hilton’s “true love” relationships seem to have a shelf life of six months, lil’ sis Nicky has been quietly and steadily dating David Katzenberg for nearly two years. Which is, as it turns out, a more effective way to prove that your love is the real thing than wearing a t-shirt that says so.

Nicky and David spent time frolicking on the beach in Malibu together this weekend.

This has to be a publicity stunt.  For the past few nights since her tragic breakup, Paris Hilton has been seen in various nightclubshanging out with Cristiano Ronoldo — he’s some hot soccer player — and there have been reports of them heading to Nicky Hilton’s home afterwards.  She cannot already have a new boyfriend.  There must be a 48-hour-waiting period between penises.  It’s a rule.

Here’s Paris with her sister, stumbling around outside MyHouse in Los Angeles last night.

I hope Paris finds “the one.”  You know, the guy that can accept her, genital warts and all.  (I take no credit for that.  Those words came directly out of the mouth of — gasp!– my mother.  You see where I get it from.) 

Now, when I said she looked like a box of popcorn, obviously I meant the fat-free variety.  The very bony Nicky Hilton attended the 14th Annual Los Angeles Antiques Show opening last night, appearing in desperate need of a calorie.

Nick Lachey was also there with girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo.  Does this put to rest the rumors that she was hanging all over 90210 actor Matt Lanter the night before?  I say “NO!” based on the couple’s body language.  Nothing says “impending breakup” like a jaw clamped shut as tightly as Miley Cyrus’ kneecaps.

“Actress” Shiva Rose was there.  I consider this woman about one step away from a miracle worker.  Not only did she manage to stay married in Hollywood (to Dylan McDermott) for more than a decade before her marriage imploded, she divorced with…wait for it…no lawyers on either side.  Amazing!

Hilary Swank appeared with her agent and boyfriend John Campisi.  I’m sorry, but he looks like Chad Lowe.  Doesn’t he?  Oh, the soft spot she has for a receding hairline, large forehead and weak chin.

Finally, Chris Klein was there.  Boy, he looks so familiar.  It’s almost like there’s someone in Hollywood who has that same face.  Who could it be? *cough*SuriCruise*cough*

Nicky Hilton hosts a party at Prive inside the Planet Hollywood Casino in Las Vegas.

Does that dress look familiar? It should.

First she’s hanging out at the IHOP at 5am and making citizen arrests and now she’s gettin her poker face on at The 7th Annual World Poker Tour Invitational.

Who is this person? 

Also at the Invitational were the likes of Benji Madden, Jennifer Tilly, Shanna Moakler, Don Cheadle (whom inexplicably appears to be wearing a turtleneck), William Hung (nice to see he’s still getting invitations) and Daniel Baldwin. Mandatory positive: Daniel has very pretty eyes. 

Don’t mess with Nicky Hilton!

After being pushed to the ground by a homeless person at a West Hollywood IHOP at 5 a.m. Saturday morning, the heiress made a citizen’s arrest, Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Steve Whitmore confirms to Usmagazine.com.

“One of our deputies was at the IHOP, having a coffee break, and noticed a waitress run outside because there was a commotion,” Whitmore tells Us. Another deputy was then called “because there was a misdemeanor battery that involved Nicky Hilton and a man named Michael Broadhurst,” adds the spokesman.

The 50-year-old homeless person “came up behind Ms. Hilton and pushed her. She’s OK, but she was desirous of prosecution. She said, ‘I am placing you under citizen’s arrest!’”

Whitmore says it was a dual effort by both Hilton and the two deputies to arrest Broadhurst, who will appear in court April 21 …

“It is my understanding that she is OK,” Whitmore tells Us. “A battery is just an unwanted touching.

I have three things to say here:

1) What was Nicky doing at a WeHo IHOP at 5 am?
2) How does one actually make a citizens arrest?
3) Have you guys seen the photoshopped pic of Taylor Hanson sucking a cock? It’s making its way around the Internet, and it HILARIOUS. Also it is way more interesting than this stupid Nicky Hilton story. Check it out here.