I’ve attached here, for your perusal, the three-page cease and desist I got from Nick and Vanessa’s legal eagles this evening. They are very unhappy that I posted these pictures, as I, too, would probably be unhappy if someone took pictures of me making an “O” face.

Here’s my favorite part: there’s a line in there that says that the “Illegal Photos are copyright protected, to which my clients, by virtue of written assignment and transfer, have obtained the exclusive copyright and all right and title interest thereto.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, my law-inclined readers, but what that says to me is that Nick and Vanessa actually bought the rights to the photos of them having sex in a hot tub. My God, how I wish I’d been present for those negotiations!

Anyway, sorry, guys, but the photos are coming down. As much as I’d love to star in a court battle with Nick and Vanessa, I’m not going to pull a Perez. Plus, as the lawyers pointed out, I “act at my own peril.” That’s not news to me, guys. I pretty much realize that upon waking up each day. But I feel awful about this; I know you guys count on me to deliver your celeb porn, and I totally failed. So, to make it up to you, I created my very own re-enactment of that fateful day, in Photoshop, to share with you. Enjoy!

Update: Pics removed because Nick and Vanessa hate me.

I really wish we could give you the uncensored versions of these photos but sadly they have not came out yet.

As you see what we do have, via Famous Magazine, is a lovely set of candids of Nick and Vanessa getting their freak on in a hot tub during a recent vacation to Mexico.

These photos are slightly amusing and my favorite happens to be the one where all you see is her leg up in the air. They enjoy various positions and really these only help us prove that Vanessa is a bit of a freak.

Enjoy these for now. We are on the hunt for the dirty versions because that is how we do it here at the Beet. All naked. All the time.

Just last night, I was wondering when the uncensored photos of Nick and Vanessa vacationing nude would hit the Internet, but today it seems the couple has more to worry about than the photos of their naughty bits. Rumor has it that a much dirtier set of pictures were taken that day, of Nick and Vanessa having some hardcore sex in a hot tub, in a variety of positions. Says a source: “These pics make the Vanessa and Lindsay photos look tame!” While it’s unlikely a U.S. tab would run these pictures, even censored, they could possibly be sold to an adult magazine or website.

But Nick and Vanessa are not going down quietly … well, at least not in this context. They’ve hired hot-shot attorney Marty Singer to warn the tabs that if they run these photos, they’ll face one hell of a lawsuit. Singer tells TMZ that “the photos that were taken of our clients by a Mexican photographer violated Mexican law and were a clear invasion of privacy, and we have threatened to take legal action against third parties who publish the photos.”

Meanwhile, Nick and Vanessa have decided it’s time to go on record about all this. The couple will be giving an exclusive interview to OK! magazine for this week’s issue. They’ll talk about these photos, the photos with Lindsay and the knives, and Nick’s past and present relationship with Jessica Simpson. Ooh, I can’t wait!!

Oh, yay. Another Jessie Simpson interview. The forum: Elle magazine. The topic: Her personal life, and how she won’t talk about it, and then more about her personal life.

On seeing Nick with other women: “Oh, it hurt me. Two or three weeks later? Yeah, I’d say it kind of hurt me.” Hey, Jess? Everyone’s going to lead with that. Everyone. You knew that when you said it, didn’t you?

On her relationship with John Mayer: “I want to tell you everything, but I have to sew my lips together. It’s hurt me in the past.” Damn, that’s a good plan, Jessie. Maybe you could have had that little brainstorming session sometime before the “Is it chicken or tuna” debacle. You’ll get ‘em next time, kiddo.

On the reality show she filmed with Nick: “I let people in on who I am and how I react to my husband. That’s a big deal. Celebrities don’t do that. So I think they brought me down just because I stopped talking and because I have not spoken – and will not speak – about my divorce. And I think people feel like I owe them my reality right now.”

Anyway, Jess goes on to say how she’s still buddies with Nick, and won’t say if she’s currently in love (although she makes it clear to the interviewer that she is). Hey, Jess, if you want to keep your private life private, maybe stop giving interviews about it?

Joe Francis is kind enough to voice his opinion on the sexual strengths and weaknesses of young Hollywood, with Paris Hilton in a commanding lead. He also manages to plug ParisExposed about ten times, which is quite the favor for a website he claims to despise. Turn the other cheek, eh, Joe? [TMZ]

Denise Richards: what’s not to hate? [Celebrity Smack]

Reese and Ryan suck it up and attend their daughter’s school play together. I’m so Team Reese on this one. [A Socialite's Life]

Congratulations, DJ AM. You’ve earned yourself another fifteen minutes of fame. And, yes, Mandy, Zach’s pissed. Everybody wins! [Just Jared]

Kate at Fishbowl has the 411 on Top Design behind the scenes. [FishbowlLA]

“The first time I get into a car accident and I see a blind guy get out of the other car — I’m kicking somebody’s ass.” [Pajiba]

For what it’s worth, National Enquirer is reporting that Nick & Vanessa are engaged. [The Bosh]

Things that happened today without any involvement on the part of Britney Spears’ vagina:

American Idol fourth-placer Chris Daughtrey’s album debuts at #2 on the U.S. charts. [Perez Hilton]

Check out Beyonce’s new video for “Listen,” from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. [popbytes]

Kevin Federline has a thing for women who like the whole world to see their naughty bits. Isn’t that right, Kendra Jade? [Pop on the Pop]

Josh Hartnett’s mystery girl revealed: she’s Amber Sainsbury, who did some show called Hex for 11 episodes in 2004 and is currently co-starring with Hartnett in 30 Days of Night. Also: she’s not as pretty as Josh, which is how I reckon he prefers it. [BWE]

Nick Lachey bought a minor-league baseball team this week. What did you do? [ICYDK]

Matt Lauer named his newborn son Thijs. Pronounced “Tice.” I am supposed to say something mean here (preferably referencing the unfortunately named Paltrow offspring) but I have a fabulous friend at school named Tejs (pronounced similarly), so out of respect for the fact that he did my finance homework all quarter, I just have this to say: Way to name a kid, Lauer! [Cele|Bitchy]

They are remaking Dirty Dancing, and Mario Lopez is on the short list of celebs to star in the Patrick Swayze role, and still I wait, patient and hopeful, for my Lark Voorhies comeback. [ICYDK]

The Anna Nicole saga continues. This week, she’s worried her son is sad in the afterlife, because “he doesn’t know anybody.” [Junkiness]

Courtney Love is finding it hard to get laid in sobriety. [MollyGood]

Check out the first single from AmIdol’s Chris Daughtry, “It’s Not Over.” Honestly, an AmIdol fourth-placer is calling his first single “It’s Not Over.” I can’t even pick a joke. [Tabloid Whore]

The Los Angeles Galaxy wants to sign David Beckham if he doesn’t renew his contract with Real Madrid. [BBC Sport]

Is Nick Lachey planning to propose to Vanessa Minnillo on his birthday this Thursday? For the sake of Friday’s blogging, please let it be so! [Hollyscoop]