Damn, you know what would really cheer me up?

Another celebrity DUI.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good one, don’t you think?

And it looks like Mischa Barton’s going to weasel her way out of jail time by cutting a deal, as inside sources say she’ll plead no contest to her December 27 DUI charge. She’ll have three years probation and have to take those worthless alcohol education classes, none of which will do anything to cheer me up. I want her in jail, dammit!!! If we can’t put her in jail for drunk driving, can we at least imprison her on charges of attempting to resurrect fashion trends of the ’80s? That’s equally dangerous!

Please, please say you can.

How about four?

Mischa Barton was slapped with four misdemeanors on Tuesday, stemming from her DUI arrest late last year.

Mischa was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of marijuana (28.5 grams or less).

She’s scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday.

Mischa Barton and a friend of indiscriminate gender — seriously, is this a guy or a girl? And why did s/he steal my sunglasses in third grade? — chill in LA after having lunch at Joan’s on Third.

I don’t know how anyone walks around Park City given the subzero temperatures. I know Paris goes from Limo to club, then back again, but Ms. Barton probably hasn’t seen a limo in a few years. Poor girl.

Remember when she was all fired up to leave The O.C.? Those were the days. Now she’s off for shift work at the local International House of Pancakes.

These have been around for a couple days, but, tragically, I suck at my job, so I’ve just now stumbled upon them.

Man, she looks like she had a rough night.

I almost feel bad for her. But then I think of what a happy day I had when I checked my email and learned that Mischa Barton had scored herself a DUI. Seriously, I got jack shit for Christmas this year. My dad wrote me a check and my mom puts about the same effort into Christmas as she does into Arbor Day, so the Mischa Barton DUI was like the pony I never got. (Note to parents for future: the pony should be pink and it should sing.) So then I think of my happiness and then I’m not sad for Mischa anymore. There’s a term for that. I think it’s “schadenfreude.” Webster’s defines it as “satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.”

That’s cool, Websters. You call it “schadenfreude.” I call it “what I do for a living.”

This DUI may be the nail in the coffin of Mischa’s career.

Her management team pulled her from hosting Saturday night’s opening of Cathouse in Las Vegas. “Mischa can’t give interviews on the red carpet or deal with the press right now,” said a Vegas source, “so they told her she can’t do the event.”

The club was searching for celebrities available at the last minute but was still looking last night.

Ha ha. I hear Tara Reid’s schedule is pretty open these days. And sometimes she even manages to stay conscious through an entire event. Sometimes.

Whatever, though, all this hulabaloo over Mischa hosting their opening is probably way more press than they would have gotten from having her B-list ass there scandal-free. I doubt they’re all that torn up about this.

How long until Keds drop-kicks her ass to the curb?

1) Why did it take seven hours for her to be released from jail?

2) Why doesn’t she have a valid drivers’ license?

3) What kind of drugs were in her car? Are we talking a little Mary Jane, or, like, cocaine. Or — oh please Lord — meth??

I’m open to guesses. Go!