OK, here’s the thing…I’m just going to put it out there for you: I detest Mischa Barton.  Like…hate her with the heat of a thousand suns.  I don’t know why she infuriates me so much but I look at her my brain has some chemical reaction and, before you know it, I’m spinning off on some stratospheric tantrum.  I do not in any way understand her fame.  If you’re a fan, please, I implore you to explain the appeal.  On my own website, I call her Ol’ Piano Legs Barton (OPLB) but it isn’t her cankles that inspire such vitriol within me; they just enhance it.  Even her tambourine shaking, Hare Krishna meets Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band getup shouldn’t make me angry at such an intense level.  But it does.

I’m flustered.  To the point:  Here is Mischa, last night, along with other celebrities who had no better invite than the New T-Mobile G-1 launch party in Hollywood.  Check out Stacy Keibler’s leg color vs. her feet.  Is this mismatch extremities thing some sort of new trend?  And if anyone knows Rosario Dawson, can you pass along a message from me?  Jiffy clothing steamer…it’ll change your life.

At London Fashion Week.

Ahhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I’m totally just kidding.

Leaving Chateau Marmont on Saturday, with one of those guys who’s not only cool enough to carry a pack of Parliaments, but has reached that elusive pinnacle of cool where you can carry a pack of Parliaments upside-down while showing your appreciation for the original distributors of tobacco by wearing a little piece of Pocahontas around your neck.

Here’s Mischa Barton getting cozy with her boyfriend, guitarist Taylor Locke, on the beach in Venice, California.

I’m sorry, but those swim trunks are not a good look for him.

I hope those are attack birds sitting next to them. You know, that would actually be a pretty cool trick. To teach a bunch of those little beach birds to attack, and then when a Heidi Montag or Paris Hilton or Mischa Barton is getting all bikini-style slutty for the paparazzi out in Malibu or Venice, you just release the birds, and then the paparazzi get all sorts of fun shots of Heidi Montag’s eyes being gouged out by an attack seagull. Everybody wins! Except Heidi Montag. But I’ve already made my peace with that.

Mischa Barton brings cowgirl chic back to the streets of Manhattan.

You and me and the bottle makes three tonight!

Mischa Barton and her boyfriend, guitarist Taylor Locke, head back to their London hotel room with a bottle of tequila.

Good times!

Damn, you know what would really cheer me up?

Another celebrity DUI.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good one, don’t you think?

And it looks like Mischa Barton’s going to weasel her way out of jail time by cutting a deal, as inside sources say she’ll plead no contest to her December 27 DUI charge. She’ll have three years probation and have to take those worthless alcohol education classes, none of which will do anything to cheer me up. I want her in jail, dammit!!! If we can’t put her in jail for drunk driving, can we at least imprison her on charges of attempting to resurrect fashion trends of the ’80s? That’s equally dangerous!