Do you ever just avoid something in hopes that it will eventually go away?  I had a friend who did that, and now she’s dead of cancer.  For two days I’ve been ignoring the fact that Mischa Barton is naked on the shudder-worthy cover of May’s Cosmo UK with the headline, “Your Body Rocks,” but this damn story keeps popping up again and again.  Let’s get this over, shall we?  Sidenote:  I just realized that, lately, every time I write about Mischa Barton, I reference cancer.  Coincidence?

The main topic of Mischa’s interview is self acceptance.  “Surely there are more important issues than if someone has cellulite? And I don’t understand the point of people looking for bad things. Why bother? I know it’s human nature to want to pick on other people, but I find it a little shallow,” Barton says.  Obviously, what she doesn’t understand is that, yes,  there are much more important issues than if someone has cellulite.  Unless it’s on her, in which case it is the most important thing that could ever be reported.

And though she’s quick to call her critics shallow, she’s just as quick to let everyone know that she’s gone from a size twelve to a six. Whatever, Mischa.  No one cares that you “feel confident now,” and that you are “happy and healthy.”  You still aren’t talented and isn’t that a prerequisite for being an actress?

If there is any relief in this maelstrom of Mischa it is this:  in being naked on the cover, she has spared us from yet another clusterfuck wardrobe selection.

Mischa Barton in the Spring 2009 edition of the magazine you’ve never heard of, Genlux.  To give you an idea of the target audience, per their website, they are “the only luxury fashion and beauty magazine created expressly for today’s affluent Southern California woman.”

Now, caption it, bitches.  You owe me.

It can be a difficult thing to do-looking for the positive in any situation.  When my son was four or five, he once said that although people dying of cancer was really sad, it “made room on the earth so that new babies can be born.”  That always stuck with me.  This young child who could find the silver-lining in any tragic circumstance.  Even cancer.  And with that same, cancer-embracing mindset, I’d like to document the qualities I most admire about Mischa Barton.  My word count begins…now.

1)  She’s frugal.  She has no shame in wearing the same, unattractive shoes over and over again.  I call that good old-fashioned common sense.

2)  She’s true to herself.  She could never be called, uh, vain.

3)  She is grace under fire and never gets ruffled.

4)  Even under the harshest criticism, she just turns the other cheek.

5)  Mischa has a great sense of humor.  She can be a downright clown sometimes.

6)  She’s never afraid to show her true self-even if her confidence is sagging.

7)  It’s a little known fact but Mischa took top honors in her sixth grade Home Economics sewing class.

8)  She really identifies with nature.  Notice how the leafy headband and raccoon eyes really work together to achieve a woodland theme.

9)  Really, Mischa is just an angel.  Doesn’t she look as pure as driven snow in this picture taken of her when she was just fifteen?

10)  In conclusion, Mischa Barton’s someone who always tries her hardest and she should be recognized for that.

I could rave on and on about Mischa, but sadly, my two-hundred words have run out.  I’ll be resuming my morphine drip for the rest of the evening.

Pay attention beyotches!  Mischa Barton is opening up-and no, not her legs this time.  She is back in the media, sharing her wisdom-yet again.  Will there ever be a day when we won’t have to be victim to her wisdom?  The answer is “No!”

Mischa is just so insightful-she really needs a pulpit and I’m willing to help make that happen.  I will personally lead the motion for the creation of a new religion-Mischatology, anyone?

Lesson one in the Book of Mischatology: Don’t get married.

The never married but always mighty Mischa has spoken:

“You see a lot of relationships fall apart because it’s the last step. There’s nothing left and a lot of dudes freak out and the women become bitchier. I see it to be bad for relationships.”

You know what I see to be bad for relationships?  Taking advice from Mischa Fucking Barton. So, before you all start tossing your engagement rings in the river, may we review Mischa Barton’s love life?  I’ll leave out the one night stands because I’m pretty sure that even the Wordpress blogging platform that we use here has a character limit.

2004-05-  Brandon Davis.  Druggie, loser, leech.

2005-07-  Cisco Adler, better known as Penduballs.

2007-08-  Jamie Dornan

2008-      Brett Simon, Taylor Locke, Josh Hartnett

2008-09    Luke Pritchard

However, to fully subscribe to this new religion created by me, I must surrender and blindly follow her teachings.  Mischa’s doctrine is the gospel and I must abide by her word.  I’ll start by petitioning Richard Carpenter for a re-write of The Carpenter’s classic, played at every wedding in the 1970s, “We’ve Only Just Begun.”  I, uh, propose:  “We’ve Reached The Finish Line.”

Lesson two in The Book Of Mischatology:  Get Married When You Have Kids

Though Barton states clearly that marriage is an ending, she fully plans to indulge in the married bitchiness so her kids can pay the price…lucky (non) bastards!

“Whoever is going to be the father of my children, I’ll probably inevitably marry,” she tells OK!   “But that’s not on the cards anytime soon.”

Whew…thankfully that’s not on the cards anytime soon.

Stay tuned for more from The Teachings Of Mischatology including a chapter I’m really looking forward to, titled How I Made Ankle Weights Work For Me.

My all-time fave celeb ever finally got a job.  She’s back on the CW, bitches!

Despite rumors that she was going to be on Melrose Place, she has accepted a role on the Ashton Kutcher production, A Beautiful Life.  Really, how can you not cast Mischa in any program that has any form of the word “beauty” right in the title?

Mischa was happy to finally have a role, any role, to talk about:  “Ashton developed it about his life growing up as a model from Iowa, so it’s about the whole fashion world that he was in, and obviously I have a lot of friends in the fashion world, so I’m used to being around a lot of people in that.  [I play] a bitchy model-type character, like it’s a totally different character for me.”  Yes, because Mischa is totally connected.  Lots of friends in the fashion world.   In real life, so.  Not.  A.  Bitch.

A show about the fashion world; no wonder she’s been getting so skinny!  Of course, she was quick to dispel any eating disorder rumors, yet again:

“Like right now I’m supposedly too skinny. I just had to release a comment about how I’m eating enough and I’m healthy,” says Barton, who nibbled on a sweet onion tart with mushroom and a burger during the event. “I’m more concerned for young girls these days … and I think it’s important that you say I’m comfortable and I’m fine and you should to be too because it’s, like, silly … You’re always too skinny or too fat or too something.”

Mischa, you are always too something.  Too irrelevant.  Too annoying.  Too present.

I really am not sure what’s wrong with me.  Sure, I have celebs that annoy me or just generally stun me with their level of unearned fame, but this is different.  Celebuhate is akin to having a phobia.  There is no rational basis for it whatsoever.  But if you suffer the affliction, exposure can cause such a reaction.  I have a near-Pavlovian response to the mere mention of Mischa’s name.  I’m talking about a quickened pulse and sweating glistening.  There is not a thing in the world Mischa Barton could ever say that I would not find fault with.  Like, she could say, “I’m quitting acting so I can focus all my efforts on breastfeeding starving babies,” and I would immediately respond with, “Isn’t breast milk that is laced with drugs harmful to babies?”  At this point, I can’t control myself.

Maybe I need some sort of immersion therapy.  That’s it, I’m off to watch the first three seasons of The O.C.

Mischa is back to blogging and this time, it’s to give us all the latest status on her relationship with Luke Pritchard.

I’m sure you guys are all going to hear about it soon enough so I just wanted to tell you what is real first — I broke up with Luke when I got to London. Things just didn’t feel quite right. There was no cheating or anything terrible, the bad just started to outweigh the good and a long distance relationship is never an easy thing to do.

I hope that the press will show some respect in the near future as we both find it very difficult to deal with a lot of attention or speculation from the media.  I think Luke is a great guy, but the type better suited as a friend. We have a surprising amount of mutual friends in England and I don’t regret our time together, I just couldn’t keep it going.

There is no bitterness between us…that I know of (sorry, I had to joke!).  If there ever is a case of two people staying friends I’m sure it will be the case with us — our personalities are very good for that.

I’m so glad she let us know what is going on…I’ve been wondering.  I don’t know how the mainstream media hasn’t swarmed down on this breaking story like a posse of locusts; why hasn’t there been a special report interruption breaking into my favorite television shows?  I love how she prates on about how difficult it is to deal with attention and speculation yet took to her blog to basically let us know that she broke up with her boyfriend because he was a lousy lay.  Her privacy is so important to her.

“Things just didn’t feel quite right,” divided by “I think Luke is a great guy, but the type better suited as a friend,” plus “I don’t regret our time together, I just couldn’t keep it going,” multiplied by “If there ever is a case of two people staying friends I’m sure it will be the case with us–our personalities are very good for that,” equals Missionary Minute Man Who Won’t Go Down.  I promise you that.

Mischa Barton’s parents are surprisingly normal. For example, they have no friggin idea what it is that Mischa does for a living, which makes them just like the rest of us. 

Mischa said, “My mom and dad are still a bit confused and cautious about what I do.”

“My dad is a stockbroker who studied law and economics and his dad was a politician. But I know him and my mom are still very proud of me.”

Riiiiight. Very proud, I’m sure. I bet when all the other parents are talking about Jimmy’s doctorate or Sue’s thriving law career her parents whip out one of those over-priced headbands and everyone is just blown away by Mischa’s ingenuity.