I’m so aggravated right now.  Mischa Barton has been placed on a 5150.  For those of you who weren’t paying attention back when Britney got the crazies, that’s an involuntary psychiatric hold.  I’m pissed.

Quite frankly, in my dating days, nothing could kill my ability to orgasm quicker than a guy saying he wanted to get married.  It’s like, once that boundary was crossed, I could never “go there” again.  I’m not sure how my husband dodged that bullet, but whatever. 

The same theory applies with celebrities.  It’s all fun when it’s DUI’s and sex tapes but once they go into a mental hospital I feel like I can never really make fun of them again.  Britney pulled this crap with me and so did Susan Boyle.  Now, my all-time favorite target has betrayed me as well. 

Mischa will get better.  She will get out of the hospital.  She will go on to “star” in  more direct-to-DVD movies and less than mediocre series television shows.  But, it’s like the seal has been broken.  Now that I know about the fragility of her mind, it feels like picking on the handicapped or a child of Tori Spelling.  I just can’t do it.  Please, help me overcome this invisible barrier of decency.

I.  Am.  Depressed.  Oh, and a big thanks to Jennifer for emailing me about this and basically ruining the rest of my life.

I have days that I feel down.  I’ve had about 21 consecutive days like that.  Until today.  Today I woke up and was restored in my faith.  Reassured of God’s love for me.  It was today that I realized there really is a light at the end of any tunnel of darkness.  He speaks to me, He sends me signals.  Sure, my miraculous messages may come via a less traditional method than Virgin Mary sightings on a Pringle or Amy Winehouse opting for water over vodka, but I consider Mischa Barton’s “medical situation” to be on the same level of divine significance.

Okay, this is what is being reported:  Police in L.A. were called to Mischa Barton’s home for a non-emergency medical situation.  They are currently working on assisting her. 

Now, let me break down what that means:  Police in L.A. were called to Mischa Barton’s house because of neighborhood complaints that a coked-out Mischa was sunbathing naked next to their hydrangeas.  They (the police) are currently working on getting her a bed at Promises as well as securing trauma counseling for the affected neighbors.  Expect an Exhaustion/Dehydration/Food Poisoning statement to be released later this afternoon.

Above, a short trailer from Mischa’s The Beautiful Life.  Look at the expertise she possesses in popping palmfuls of pills.  It really leads me to ask – The Beautiful Life:  Drama or Documentary?

Mischa’s looking so good these days as she trolls around London!

Last night Cankles got kicked out of a toilet stall at Whiskey Mist nightclub.  I think that should be engraved on her headstone:  Mischa Barton~Kicked out of a toilet stall …

Now that Mischa’s kinda, sorta working again, she’s been seen stumbling all over the place, which is an activity I certainly enjoy observing and one that I’ve missed.  Last night she tried to go into a single stall with one of her girlfriends.  The washroom attendant — and I’m sorry, but washroom attendants are creepy.  I haven’t needed help pissing since I was, like, two — pulled Canks out and informed her that she needed to use her own stall.  I can’t believe any club would have a “One Person Per Stall” rule.  How are people supposed to have their illicit toilet sex?  After an extended period of time in which the attendant twice knocked on the door to check on Barton, she finally emerged.  

I’ve pondered extensively about what activity could have taken Mischa so long in the stall, but I think the pictures answer that question.  Eye liner application, clearly.

It’s really difficult to write about celebrities every day.  It may look easy, but there are only so many ways you can communicate that Michael Jackson is dead or that Chris Brown punched Rihanna or that the Gosselins hate each other.  How many variations can there really be on “Lindsay is high” or “Sam Ronson is ugly”?  Or “Mischa is high and ugly”?

Everyone once in a while the pictures do the storytelling for me — today is one of those days — and I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have the brief reprieve.  In case you aren’t getting the story, I’ll give you the briefest of summary: 

Once upon a time there was a talentless starlet who had nothing more to do with her time than show up at Harrod’s.  She posed with dogs, couldn’t stand up straight, completely overdid her eye makeup and completely underestimated the importance of a bra.  The end.

With great joy and without further ado, I present ye with snapshots of Mischa Barton appearing at the Harrod’s Summer Sale opening.

Best.  Day.  Ever.

I happily present to you, the trailers for The Homecoming and The Beautiful Life, both starring Mischa Barton.  It’s a banquet of Barton, a tankquet.

If you’ve had children or have any bladder control issues, I strongly suggest that you hit up the Poise pads — also helpful for wiping tears away – before you watch these clips because you are going to laugh hard when you see how absolutely craptastic they both look.  As my daughter would say, “Pure crapness.”     

Incidentally, someone asked me about The Homecoming possibly having potential since it is directed by Morgan Freeman.  Sadly, his admirable reputation and body of work is completely negated by the presence of Mischa Barton.  She.  Kills.  All.OMG, the scene in The Beautiful Life  where Zac Posen picks Mischa to be the runway model.  Holy smokes, it’s funnier than watching YouTube videos of people tripping.

There are rhetorical questions that race through my mind keeping me awake nights.  Like, how did the person who designed the movie poster for The Homecoming keep a straight face when he typed ”In Theaters This Summer” ?  He must have called all his friends and been like, “Dudes, Mischa Barton — uh, I don’t know…she was in some show like, five years ago — anyway, she’s in some movie about a girl who gets obsessed over her high school sweetheart.  Yeah, I’m not kidding, and catch this:  it’s actually going to be shown in a theater.”

Other than the presence of Mischa, who is really an anchor in any project (and when I say “anchor” I mean “device that sinks”), the movie also stars Jessica Stroup (from the new 90210) and some dude named Matt Long.  I don’t know exactly what Matt Long has been in; some sites credit him as appearing in Herbie:  Fully Loaded but that was Justin Long.  The bottom line is this:  when you have two relatively unknowns starring in any production with Mischa Barton, it’s just a blueprint for career disaster, quite honestly.

Expect never to see Stroup or Long in anything again.  And expect to see The Homecoming in theaters July 17th.  Yeah, Cankles Barton is actually bragging about it on her blog.

Oh, sweet Jesus.  Mischa Barton is now whining that people don’t like her fashion choices.  Um, duh.  Is she just now realizing that her Homeless Chic “style” looks ridiculous?

Mischa revealed that though her personal style is not always well received, she would not stop experimenting. A few years ago people thought I was nuts for wearing headbands and fringing, but things I have been into have kind of become more popular recently,” Contactmusic quoted Mischa, as saying.

“I grew up with pictures of Marianne Faithfull and Anita Pallenberg on my wall, they have always been my style. I am a weird replica of the 70s! But it is cool to see that it is back on trend,” she added.

The stunner also revealed that people in Britain are more accepting of her style, as American people tend to stick to a definite style and find people with different style to be a bit eccentric.

“What is nice about fashion in Britain is that you get to be more eccentric and a bit more yourself. In the States they don”t like it when you look too different,” Mischa said.

She also urged women to not to be shy to experiment with their own style.

“It is about experimenting by mixing and matching to develop your own look. You should try to wear something that embodies your sense of style. I think it is bad to wear head to toe all one look,” Mischa added.

Wait a minute.  Is Mischa Look What I Found In The Bottom Of The Dumpster Barton taking credit for the popularity of headbands?  Because if she is, I’ll personally pay to witness a smackdown with Olivia Newton John who was wearing that crap before Mischa was even hatched out of her martian pod.