This is yet another one of those “One of my Facebook friends messaged me …” stories.  You’ve probably realized by now that my Facebook friends don’t actually like me.  They throw horrible notes up on my wall such as “I heard that The Beautiful Life might be coming back on the air” and then they go hide behind their Farmville application for days at a time.

It’s not official and when I say “not official” you should know that I’m referring to “my last ray of hope.”  Because if this shit comes back on the air, I’ll have to go back to watching it.  The last time I was subjected to this visual massacre, I spent three days in ICU.  Not really, but I did have digestive issues for a week.  Here’s the scoop:

The show’s Facebook page indicated that the CW will be airing the remaining two episodes — it cracks me up that they only filmed four –this summer.  Though there has been no talk of renewal, those unseen episodes could possess just the right amount of magic to make that happen.

Listen, there’s only one way this show is ever going to garner interest enough to be picked up by any network.  If, in episode three (the first of the two yet-to-be-aired) Mischa’s character gets killed in the opening credits and then the rest of the characters refer to episodes one and two as having been just a bad dream, maybe, just maybe there will be enough of an audience to see a Season Two.  Or a Season One continuation.  In other words, this cannot happen.  The show can’t exist without Misch and she’s through with television.  She’s too talented for TV — she promised me she wouldn’t do another series and I’m holding her to it — and is focusing all her attention on movie scripts now.  This pledge cannot be broken, Misch.

“I think I need to back away from the whole TV approach.  That whole world of network television, probably isn’t, for me, a good idea now. I need to start reading for more serious roles.”

Mischa Barton reassuring the public that there will be no more sightings of her on their television sets.  May we all now channel surf bravely and without hesitation!

Before you caption this or any of the gallery pictures of Mischa Barton roaming the streets of New York City yesterday, I’d like to remind you that Misch, double-fisting her Starbucks, just last week defined herself as a “fashion icon”.  I will send out props for her ability to have a perfectly heart-shaped tear in her t-shirt — obviously a cast-off of Lindsay’s Ungaro collection.

I really wish that Wendie was here to cover this because I know that she deserves to be able to break you this news, but Mischa Barton’s new show the The Beautiful Life was canceled after only two episodes. Two. That’s gotta be preeeeetty bad. I can’t give you a real opinion on the show because, like most of America, I didn’t bother to watch it. Only 1.1 viewers tuned in on Wednesday to catch the second ep, resulting in the CW announcing on Friday that they were calling the whole thing off. To fill the slot, CW will be re-airing episodes of their remake drama, Melrose Place.

I’m sure the news comes as a shock to Mischa who seemed to think that this show was particularly prolific and who has recently had a harder go than usual, what with the whole “mental breakdown” thing. Tough go, lady.

“The fashion world is something I don’t think anyone’s ever examined in a really realistic way, and I thought this show would be a good fit for me because I get to play a real character, and a lot of people associate me with fashion like I’m a fashion icon already.”

Mischa Barton to LA Times, talking about her role on the new CW series The Beautiful Life (which happens to be on tonight.  I hope you’ll all be watching).  I’ve also included a gallery that exhibits just a mere fraction of Mischa’s iconic fashion history.

It’s been the day of hell, so I’m just calling all these losers out on the carpet today.  I’m sick and tired of the “bad reaction to prescription medication” and “traumatic dental surgery” bullshit.  I don’t want to hear about celebs that are “exhausted”, “dehydrated”, or “doing maintenance work in their ongoing journey of sobriety”.  They all lie.

For some unknown reason, they are still filming episodes of The Beautiful Life.  Seems like such a waste of time and electricity since the public is never going to see these shows.  Where do those lost episodes go when a show gets cancelled?  I don’t know, but maybe Mischa can find a way to turn the film into powder and snort it.

I felt compassion for Mischa when I thought she was nuts, but now that I realize she’s just fine and was only overwhelmed by her wisdom tooth extraction, there is no mercy.  As I mentioned, they’re still filming that fuckfest of a show for the CW.  The Post reported today that our heartily-ankled fame whore has been showing up on the set bleary-eyed, miserable and she’s holding up filming.

Mischa Barton isn’t completely recovered from the wisdom-tooth misery that supposedly landed her in the loony bin last month. A source on the set of her CW show, “The Beautiful Life,” says Barton shows up to work so bleary some days that it holds up filming. One day, says a source, “she was getting snippy with the director and kept demanding that someone make instant coffee for her. Often, she’ll stare at the coffee for minutes at a time and say, ‘Who will fix my coffee? I need someone to fix my coffee.’ ” A rep for Barton had no comment.

Listen, bitch.  I don’t know where your coffee is, but if I find it, I plan to throw it right in your face.  I’ve been patient enough with you while you had your little “crisis”.  Now that you’ve shown yourself to be the typical “I can stop whenever I want” variety of addict, the gloves are off.

God, see what happens when I keep my feelings bottled up?

I wanted to live blog The Beautiful Life.  Thank God I didn’t.  I could only tolerate a few minutes before I started screaming and clawing at my skin.  I said that Mischa’s acting was so horrible that it made me want to die.  I ended up in an involuntary 5150 even though I wasn’t like those other people.  I was really just feeling overwhelmed and it was all silly and overblown.

Now, some of you think I’m a little harsh on Mischa’s appearance and maybe that’s true.  But her acting is so ohmyfuckinggodsobad.  I’m going to be merciful and tell you to just go to 1:20 to see the brilliance of Mischa.  At first I thought she was doing a nasal coke addict voice.  Then itprogressed into some sort of British nasal coke addict voice.  I don’t know who made the casting decision — I’d imagine Ashton Kutcher — but she’s really, really bad.  Like, “read off a teleprompter” type bad.  Someone needs to strip this girl’s SAG card immediately if not sooner.

Well, my Internet has been out on and off all day.  Frustrating, aggravating, downright infuriating.  Normally, I’d be plucking the legs off of small children bugs by now, but not today folks, not today.  Let me tell you the good news:  Not only is today Chris Brown’s first day of community service, it’s also the premiere of The Beautiful Life.

On day one of his six-month assignment, Chris got to work in a police horse stable in Virginia today!  Will half a year of picking up shit make Chris Brown a better man?  Probably not.  Will half a year of picking up shit bring me pure and unadulterated joy?  Absolutely, yes.  Let’s pray for a freakish autumn heat wave, shall we?

Speaking of horseshit, tonight is the CW’s premiere of The Beautiful Life.  I will be watching intently and I know all seven of you will be, too.  I heard that Elle McPherson’s acting is shit — do you see a theme here? — but who really cares when Mischa is on the screen?  She makes everything better.  She’s the shit salve.  Sorry, folks.  I have to get it all out of my system now because how many episodes do you really think I’ll get to trash before this shit show goes the way of Secret Talents of the Stars?

Mischa was on The View today and I missed it.  I was home, downloading pictures of Posh Spice and avoiding 9/11 coverage because it still makes me cry, when I could have been watching Mischa instead.  This is so devastating.  She gave up all the details on getting committed under an involuntary 5150 a couple months ago.  You know, in print she’s already talked about her wisdom teeth and how having them removed led to her being committed into a mental health facility, but on The View she was really, really going in circles.  Joy Behar even kind of questioned her on it.  At least, that’s what I hear.  I didn’t get to see it myself.  Because no one told me she was going to be on.

Let’s see if we can piece together what really happened based on her quotes during today’s interview:

• “I mean, really, it was blown out of proportion, so it’s kind of silly now to be talking about it because I’m so fine now, but it was really just a bad time for me.”

• “It was sort of one of those things that was like a perfect storm. Everything happened at once.” 

• “Right, I mean, it was just … I was overwhelmed.  I had too much work going on. I had a surgery for my wisdom teeth that went really badly. I had been in the hospital. I had two surgeries on my wisdom teeth. I had four taken out and they had gotten it really badly wrong. They had to drill into my jaw and I was just in really excruciating pain.” 

• “I had an infection and a dry socket and I woke up on a Sunday morning and there was no doctor available. I was trying to take the minimum amount of painkillers and get through it because I had to go to work soon and I was getting ready to go do this show, The Beautiful Life, and meanwhile I still had a schedule to travel. 

• “I was going to Europe. I was going to London. I had things to do and I was prepping to do photo shoots and I was just overwhelmed. I had so much work to do and the surgery had gone so badly for me. And I think that I was just starting to feel completely overwhelmed. It was just too much to have this surgery go so wrong.” 

(In response to Joy Behar wanting to know why she received psychiatric care for a medical issue:)

•  ”When they take you into the hospital for something when it goes really wrong if you’re having a meltdown and you say something like ‘I feel like I want to die’ … they start injecting you with things to calm down. Like I’m petrified of needles. Like absolutely petrified … you can’t come anywhere … I had my blood drawn once in my life for my insurance.  I just figure that if you hit rock bottom like that … and you’re around people, you know, you realize I’m nothing like these people.” 

Well, as long as Mischa isn’t like those people.  I know dental pain can be pretty excruciating and I am willing to accept her excuse.  Actually, I’m willing to accept her excuse because it puts her back in not-mentally-ill, safe-for-me-to-make-fun-of-her territory.  Rejoice!

Mischa Barton was out partying Tuesday night — have I mentioned what a bad idea this is for someone fresh out of rehab? — and looking quite svelte again.  More than just partying, she was partying with Gossip Girl’s Taylor Momsen who is just a teen statistic waiting to happen.  Taylor Momsen is Mischa Barton seven years ago.

It’s like the aliens came and extracted my Mischa Hate.  Ever since she went a little nutso, I’m so much more forgiving of her choices — even that “Mom on The Wonder Years” getup she’s wearing in the top picture.  Oh, where is my passion?  Time for a new target, obviously.

Speaking of the top picture, that was Mischa on August 20th.  The bottom picture where she’s wearing her slutty flight attendant uniform, was taken Tuesday.  Looks like someone has been hitting the ladies’ room gym in the past couple of weeks.

Mischa Barton got out of the mental ward and on to the set of The Beautiful Life so quickly that homegirl hasn’t even taken a moment to shed some light on what’s going on in her life.  She spoke to Time Out New York about her hospitalization and explained that all the trouble she experienced lately was from a wisdom tooth removal gone bad. Apparently Mischa had to avoid “proper painkillers” because she was working. That was compounded by the fact that she had problems in other areas of her life, and she doesn’t really get in to specifics about that, “I was down in the dumps about everything there for a while. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom about things and have to get the most stressed out just to feel better again. I got completely stressed out and couldn’t handle everything, and now I feel really in control.”

Wisdom teeth, you say? Wouldn’t the removal of wisdom teeth keep you looking too chipmunk faced to work in the first place, thus leaving ample time for recovery? Yeah. I’ll file that one with “mercury poisoning” and “exhaustion” under the list of really lame celebrity excuses I don’t ever want to hear again. Oh, and if you did really just lose it there for awhile, you should own it. Having that kinda street cred would be the best thing to happen to your career since The OC.

I posted pics last week of Mischa falling down the stairs of her trailer while on the set of The Beautiful Life.  Here’s the video.  I love how she’s just so cool and collected and texting within milliseconds of almost eating pavement.  She’s such a professional.  A tumbletastic legend, really.